In a different post it was asked whether one has a good sense of time. I do. I dislike clocks, only own two and own no watches. But if asked out of the blue if I know what time it is my guess is usually accurate within 5-10 minutes. I take a bit of pride in this odd talent. But what I find really odd about it is that it doesn't make one bit of sense to me to be attuned to the present time yet not give it the respect it deserves. Since I only have a limited amount of time on earth, why do I avoid and procrastinate about doing things?
I was labeled ADD once. Took Adderall. It didn't work. Just the opposite: I felt like an attention deficient squirrel on PCP.
The fact is, deep inside me is a very goofy and fun loving kid that doesn't take life too seriously. By that I mean, getting to work on time, picking my clothes up off the floor, and Christmas cards in the mail before New Year's. I am known to give a birthday present, all wrapped up and pretty, when it's not someone's birthday. I like to surprise loved ones pleasantly when they don't expect it. If I get upset at something someone's done, I get over it very quickly and I still want to play with the person. They're still my friend. (Save for getting over the abuse and the abuser; that still hangs on)
I don't take life too seriously, except when the "hard" symptoms of PTSD rears it's nasty head. The rest of the time my symptoms are minor annoyances - I just want to flick that ugly bug from sucking the life blood out of my leg. I have lots of physical energy (for my age); the heart of a child that I love, and a chronically neurotic adult in my head that talks too much.
I have repeatedly discovered that it is important for me not to surpass my capacity for responsibility. Over the years, this capacity has grown, but the results of exceeding it have not changed. This may or may not have anything to do with my PTSD, but surely it must contribute to why I may never truly be an adult. I related to what Abstract said.
A few times a year, I spontaneously decide that I'm ready to be a real adult - to quit avoiding and procrastinating about things. I don't know why I decide to do this: it always turns out with me feeling terrible about myself. But I do it anyway. I sit myself down and write out a long list - catch up with emails, go to the bank, get groceries and CLEAN ALL THE THINGS in the house!!!
The first day or two usually goes okay, and for a little while I actually feel like a grown up adult. I strut around with my head held high, looking other responsible people in the eye with that knowing glace that says. Hey, I understand. I'm responsible too. Just look at my groceries here, will ya? I begin feeling self-congratulatory like I'm due a trophy or something. This is a mistake.
What usually ends up happening is that I completely wear myself out. Thinking I've earned it, I give myself permission to slack off and recover for a while, and since I've exceeded my capacity for responsibility in such a dramatic fashion, I end up needing to take more recovery time than usual. This is when the guilt spiral starts.
The longer I put things off, the more guilty I feel and the more I want to avoid THAT! The guilt from ignoring/avoiding and procrastinating grows so large that merely carrying it around feels like a huge responsibility. It takes up a sizable portion of my capacity, leaving me almost completely useless for anything other than consuming nachos, checking myptsd, and surfing the web. I'm insatiable wanting to learn information, and I do learn. But I don't retain much :-o
When I notice this happening I begin again. I tackle a few old emails, go to the f -king bank, pick up a few food items at the store and clean things. But it always end the same way. Slumped and haggard, I contemplate the seemingly endless tasks ahead of me. And then I rebel.
I have a hard time relating to this ^ It's as if "why not" holds no weight because so much of "I can't. I won't. And you can't make me." does. But I don't know - Maybe it's the Buddhist in me thinking that procrastination is an ultimate indication of being a true pacifist.
A large part of me identifies with an Ellen DeGeneres quote: http://www.goodreads.com/quotes/138766-procrastination-is-not-the-problem-it-is-the-solution-it
Now that I've written this long essay on how avoidance and procrastination plays out in me I feel screw the dishes, the bills, and the extra decorations I was planning on putting up and just taking a nice long bath and going to bed.
I was labeled ADD once. Took Adderall. It didn't work. Just the opposite: I felt like an attention deficient squirrel on PCP.
The fact is, deep inside me is a very goofy and fun loving kid that doesn't take life too seriously. By that I mean, getting to work on time, picking my clothes up off the floor, and Christmas cards in the mail before New Year's. I am known to give a birthday present, all wrapped up and pretty, when it's not someone's birthday. I like to surprise loved ones pleasantly when they don't expect it. If I get upset at something someone's done, I get over it very quickly and I still want to play with the person. They're still my friend. (Save for getting over the abuse and the abuser; that still hangs on)
I don't take life too seriously, except when the "hard" symptoms of PTSD rears it's nasty head. The rest of the time my symptoms are minor annoyances - I just want to flick that ugly bug from sucking the life blood out of my leg. I have lots of physical energy (for my age); the heart of a child that I love, and a chronically neurotic adult in my head that talks too much.
I have repeatedly discovered that it is important for me not to surpass my capacity for responsibility. Over the years, this capacity has grown, but the results of exceeding it have not changed. This may or may not have anything to do with my PTSD, but surely it must contribute to why I may never truly be an adult. I related to what Abstract said.
A few times a year, I spontaneously decide that I'm ready to be a real adult - to quit avoiding and procrastinating about things. I don't know why I decide to do this: it always turns out with me feeling terrible about myself. But I do it anyway. I sit myself down and write out a long list - catch up with emails, go to the bank, get groceries and CLEAN ALL THE THINGS in the house!!!
The first day or two usually goes okay, and for a little while I actually feel like a grown up adult. I strut around with my head held high, looking other responsible people in the eye with that knowing glace that says. Hey, I understand. I'm responsible too. Just look at my groceries here, will ya? I begin feeling self-congratulatory like I'm due a trophy or something. This is a mistake.
What usually ends up happening is that I completely wear myself out. Thinking I've earned it, I give myself permission to slack off and recover for a while, and since I've exceeded my capacity for responsibility in such a dramatic fashion, I end up needing to take more recovery time than usual. This is when the guilt spiral starts.
The longer I put things off, the more guilty I feel and the more I want to avoid THAT! The guilt from ignoring/avoiding and procrastinating grows so large that merely carrying it around feels like a huge responsibility. It takes up a sizable portion of my capacity, leaving me almost completely useless for anything other than consuming nachos, checking myptsd, and surfing the web. I'm insatiable wanting to learn information, and I do learn. But I don't retain much :-o
When I notice this happening I begin again. I tackle a few old emails, go to the f -king bank, pick up a few food items at the store and clean things. But it always end the same way. Slumped and haggard, I contemplate the seemingly endless tasks ahead of me. And then I rebel.
I have a hard time relating to this ^ It's as if "why not" holds no weight because so much of "I can't. I won't. And you can't make me." does. But I don't know - Maybe it's the Buddhist in me thinking that procrastination is an ultimate indication of being a true pacifist.
A large part of me identifies with an Ellen DeGeneres quote: http://www.goodreads.com/quotes/138766-procrastination-is-not-the-problem-it-is-the-solution-it
Now that I've written this long essay on how avoidance and procrastination plays out in me I feel screw the dishes, the bills, and the extra decorations I was planning on putting up and just taking a nice long bath and going to bed.
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