Avoidence And Ideation Are Wearing On Me

[TXbandit]

I avoid so much it has taken me about 30 minutes to have the balls to start this post. Pathetic...
It is very difficult for me to face traumas and aspects of my illness. I don't post much about either because it is just too much but I have to get this out.
Suicidal ideation haunts me daily and has since I had my first CBT session last month on the 18th. They only thing keeping me from going through with it is my friends suicide last year. I just think about how it affected everyone and myself.

My PTSD symptoms were already bad from my ex assaulting me in April of last year but then were severe when he passed in October. He passed on the 14th and now that day is fast approaching. There is going to be a memorial for him at his mothers house that night. It's getting to me. I feel like I can't go. Afraid more like it. I will have to face it all over again. I'm also afraid that I will be embarrassed because I may lose it like I did at his viewing, after the viewing, at his moms house and especially around our birthdays. See, my birthday is Jan 25, his the 27th and my other best friends is on the 28th. We always had combined them for one big party. I completely lost it that night. I mean LOST it at the end of the night. On the ground, bawling, hitting the ground, in an out of bawling and a slight panic attack. Not pretty. I was very embarrassed and people acting like it may happen at any moment when I am around. I couldn't help it. It just happened. I am afraid that will happen again if I go since I have avoided grieving his loss. I am also afraid that it may push me past ideation. This is one I avoid the most talking about. Can anyone relate or give me guidance on this?

Thank you in advance.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

TX, please firstly let me start this reply with a kind warm :hug:

My own, inevitable breakdown was as public I am afraid to say. It was life and career changing.

Speaking purely for myself, I have managed to survive numerous anniversaries from last year. The events themselves are to be honest irrelevant. My point is thus. I have always been weak willed and easy to fall into drinking, after my breakdown and survival of a huge alcohol overdose ending up in being kept alive on life support in Intensive Care. I made the personal life changing decision to turn my life around. To the point that I now use a mental attitude as follows.

As a trained medic Civilian and Military, I would use a physical bandage to treat a physical injury. I would use a splint to aid a broken leg, a plaster to cover a cut. In the same vein, I use mental bandages to overcome my own mental 'Injury'.

Injury to be honest better describes PTS(I) or as it is officially know PTS(D). For myself and many others the word Injury is a better term than the word disorder. Due to the fact that as sufferers we literally are 'Injured' by the trauma's we survived.

I am more than happy to pass on any part of my techniques for anyone who requests them. I can pass on in open forum (if permitted) or in Private Conversation (again if permitted).

My use, and personal experience of this site, coupled with the therapy program I attend here in the UK, have taught me so much and assisted me in my own personal recovery journey to such a degree, that I simply want to be able to help anyone who asks.

Kindest regards,

Laurie.

 

[TXbandit]

I too us alcohol as a bad aid and have since I was about 13 years old. I know it doesn't help. I'm working on that along with therapy but am slow to start it.

 

[arfie]

Gentle validation, TXbandit. If you are pathetic for needing 30 minutes to make your post, I shudder to think what I must be... Over a year now and I am still intimidated by the moderators... But then, I have been in recovery for long enough to have a vast network. I group hop allot and have no great pressure to find my comfort zone in any one place.

Similar to @Santa_Laurie, I, too, refer to my trauma as "Psychic Wounds." If the wounds had been treated initially, as PTS (Post Traumatic Stress) I believe they would not have developed into the "disorder." Now I compare it to a bones that have healed badly from complex fractures. I don't get to just put a cast on it and complain about the itch. The bone must be rebroken so that it can be reset. Then, if I had been lucky, itches under the cast would have been all I had to complain about. I wasn't so lucky...

Trauma anniversaries are tough. That is part of what makes the memorial seem like a good idea to me. Whether you go to the memorial, or not, here you are confronting and processing instead of burying it. I know it hurts worse than a tax bill, but, like taxes, the sooner you pay your dues, the sooner you can heal.

Be gentle with yourself, TX. Do what feels right.

 

[Justmehere]

:hug: TXbandit - You. Are. Not. Pathetic. Far from it.

I don't have much advice. Trauma anniversaries really get to me. I schedule extra therapy sessions around anniversaries. I just go through a doozy of a trauma anniversary and wow, things got dark as it came and went. But, it got better too. It will get better for you too. Hang on through it and keep reaching out for support.

 

[Smile]

@TXbandit , like previously said, just be gentle I yiurself and do whatever you feel able to. You don't need to answer to anyone but yourself. Good luck :hug:

@arfie , I love your description of the mental "wound"! I feel more justified with that explanation so thank you :)

@Santa_Laurie , I would LOVE your techniques used please! Searchjng so desperately for healthy refuge...

 

[Whirlwind]

I am more than happy to pass on any part of my techniques for anyone who requests them. I can pass on in open forum (if permitted) or in Private Conversation (again if permitted).

I would be interested, if you can share, please do

Pathetic...
It is very difficult for me to face traumas and aspects of my illness.

You aren't pathetic, I'm the same way, I was in such denial it was amazing. I wonder how much I am today. erg. Its just a defense, and one I do understand, we needed it and frankly, I still do for some of it.