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DID Awareness of an abusive part

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I don't even know anymore. My partner has issues for sure, sometimes I feel like he is an inverted narcissist. He's coped incredibly poorly with his own life circumstances. And much of my bad behavior in the past came after months of trying and failing for normal methods of problem solving and communication to achieve some result (like him getting a job, or him honoring his word).

I am afraid of attachment, so I can never be sure how much of my feelings and actions are from this "attachment is dangerous and leads to being traumatized" belief, and how much is from "he is not practically functional, has a lot of unprocessed narcissistic injury, and won't work on himself and this is a bad idea to pursue a relationship with him."

I'm just so tired of things being so up and down. He's had me convinced that I'm the reason. I just don't know if that is really true.

When I look at my past relationships, survival lead me to do things that I wouldn't normally do. I believe living with unhealthy people in our lives typically makes us like them, and over time our boundaries change to be more flexible in a dysfunctional situation-my boundaries changed because I was often just coping in a bad situation, and as the relationship became more dysfunctional, so did I. So, while I'd like to say that I kept my integrity intact each and every communication, each and every time I dealt with my dysfunctional past relations, I have to admit to the fact that I have a dysfunctional role to play..and my integrity and code of conduct waivered more than I would have liked...... And while I don't think that makes me a bad person, but I wasn't in this situation able to follow the golden rule....because neither did they. Maybe if we live with dysfunction, becoming dysfunction is an illusion that kinda seems like it is leveling the playing field.

So I left, and looked inward, and realized I needed to live by a different code, a different value system which treated everyone I came in contact like I'd like to be treated....with respectf, care, kindness, and this stronger value system is a measure I use constantly. While I'd like to blame 100% of my sadness, craziness at my worse time in life ever, and my lot in life on others, I have to own my own part....and I'm still very much working through that, .and then I can move on to a kinder. proactive, and less reactive me...I do envision.a gentler me in a happy life where I can be creative, do my art, be with people whom I choose (not with people who choose me because I'm vulnerable and needy), and this is my vision for my future....along with a sounder spiritual connection and a philosophy to grow and change from my mistakes.

Sorry I went on.....about your partner not honoring his word.....being around untrustworthy people is a bummer....because trust is the core of a good relationship. As I make new relationships, and evaluate old ones, trust is the singlemost indicator of me continuing a relationship with them. When trust is broken repeatedly, that person is about themself and not about your relationship.
 
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