DID Awareness of an abusive part

[HealingMama]

Is that idea from the ifs model @Cypress? I haven't had anyone say that to me before.

I mean I get if these people/parts were created in childhood they would have to be children... Is that what you mean?

Definitely need to do more with self love and love of my shadow side.

 

[Mach123]

You are fine and this is a big step. My therapist says "you can't heal from trauma till you recognise the capacity to be the abuser in yourself."

The abuser becomes internalised.

Then you have the female/wife thing and wanting to manipulate him. It's not good but it's perfectly natural for you to be doing that to each other. (Natural meaning animal lol)

Stopping it or making it work better is difficult for everyone but for us it's so much more challenging.

You realised it though and are strong enough to say it. That's a big step forward and a start at not being a "victim."

Congratulations.

 

[HealingMama]

You are fine and this is a big step. My therapist says "you can't heal from trauma till you recognise the capacity to be the abuser in yourself."

The abuser becomes internalised.

Then you have the female/wife thing and wanting to manipulate him. It's not good but it's perfectly natural for you to be doing that to each other. (Natural meaning animal lol)

Stopping it or making it work better is difficult for everyone but for us it's so much more challenging.

You realised it though and are strong enough to say it. That's a big step forward and a start at not being a "victim."

Congratulations.

I believe that I have an internalized abuser. I think it is common for couples to fight for control. I tend to be more aggressive than manipulative with my partner. But definitely have been controlling in a more direct manner. In many ways I'm the man in the marriage ;)

I think honestly the destructive acts in my closest relationship sometimes come from the internalized abusive parent and sometimes from some other part that's stepping up to react to a perceived threat and is just trying to keep me safe. I don't think it is always coming from the same place.

I had a lot of shame last night around these things. And I am so proud of myself because I sat with it until it subsided. I didn't switch, or try to numb myself or escape it. Shame is really uncomfortable but I stuck with it. Yay!

 

[Mach123]

You should be proud of yourself the things you are talking about are IDK what, the hardest things we do. Unravelling all this. You have each other too you know? I know how hard it is. I think we are closer now than ever but it's been a hellacious struggle. I don't think there's anything wrong with that part necessarily. It's not supposed to be easy.

I had to live with the part of me that was abusive. In the sensitive part there is no abuse and in the abusive part there's no sensitivity.

I almost killed myself and then I got with my current therapist. She taught me why I'm the way I am. It helped so much to have someone really explain how trauma works instead of me deciding what things meant?

I'd end up with the abuser telling me you know to kill myself before I could tell. To me that's how I was before trauma therapy, the abuser internalised trying to get me to kill myself always. So painful.

I love the work you're doing. : )

 

[HealingMama]

Thank you @mack123

Yes we have each other, except for the times that my own triggers or his triggers get in the way.

I think sometimes my inner abuser is trying to protect me from feeling shameful, worthless or invisible/dead to the world.

Apparently abuse is often a reaction to shame. So I figure the more I can befriend the shame the less that part needs to show up and act out.

I am actually a trauma therapist myself but every human in the world has blind spots about their own behavior and patterns, and I have no training in dissociation only experience as a patient. Part of the therapy world frowns on DID as a thing. And part of DID is from phobia about other aspects of ourselves and memories so it makes sense that someone directly experiencing it wouldn't be able to piece things together easily.

My goal is to own my actions, be curious, sit with discomfort, so that there is less and less need to push stuff to insiders or for them to come out and be harmful to myself or others.

For some reason my insiders don't like that last paragraph. I guess they don't want to lose their sense of purpose. Will have to figure that out.

Thank you for the support. I'm glad you were able to get set up with a good therapist for yourself as well.

Sorry I spelled your name wrong there @Mach123

 

[Cypress]

Is that idea from the ifs model @Cypress

I have never heard of the ifs model. My T is a Pdoc that specializes in trauma and dissociative disorders and as far as I can tell we are doing a standard intensive treatment for complex trauma. No EMDR, no hypnosis, just talking. I've never asked if he is following a model though.

All I can say is that your journey into yourself will help you even though it's really painful and doesn't feel like it right now.

 

[HealingMama]

I have never heard of the ifs model. My T is a Pdoc that specializes in trauma and dissociative disorders and as far as I can tell we are doing a standard intensive treatment for complex trauma. No EMDR, no hypnosis, just talking. I've never asked if he is following a model though.

All I can say is that your journey into yourself will help you even though it's really painful and doesn't feel like it right now.

Thank you. I've only ever heard people call their insiders parts in the context of IFS.

Yes it is really painful indeed.

 

[digger]

Part of the therapy world frowns on DID as a thing. And part of DID is from phobia about other aspects of ourselves and memories so it makes sense that someone directly experiencing it wouldn't be able to piece things together easily.

only ever heard people call their insiders parts in the context of IFS.

Can you clarify please - when you are talking about parts in relation to yourself, are you meaning in the context of IFS (internal family systems therapy), or in the context of having been diagnosed with DID. The term 'parts' gets used with both, but the meaning differs.

 

[HealingMama]

Can you clarify please - when you are talking about parts in relation to yourself, are you meaning in the context of IFS (internal family systems therapy), or in the context of having been diagnosed with DID. The term 'parts' gets used with both, but the meaning differs.

My therapist doesn't believe in diagnosis. She uses IFS and also works with DID.

When I say I have a part that is abusive I mean I lose full awareness of myself and my actions and another part of my personality takes over and behaves abusively. I often have amnesia for the specific things I did or said but when the recipient of the behavior points it out I can feel that it did happen. It is part of a non-regular state of awareness. But I don't really lose time. I just kind of go on autopilot. Hard to explain.

And yesterday when I started this thread I had a very visceral experience of a rageful, anguished person moving around inside me trying to take over. Had I given into the sleepiness and numbing and fading away feeling I would have still "been here" meaning survival tasks would have been handled and I would have some awareness of handling them but the energy filling in the rest of my experience beyond that but would have behaved anxiously and aggressively with my partner. I would have picked a fight and become verbally aggressive.

I don't really know another way to answer your question. I feel like I have some fragments of personality that aren't congruent with the rest of me so it's more than just an IFS thing I think?

As far as I know I only have one Apparently Normal Part but I'm not entirely sure. I believe the theory of structural dissociation fits my personality structure but I'm unsure of the degree of fragmentation.

(I put the post under DID because the actions don't feel fully in my awareness or control and that seems more DId related. Really I think I probably have OSDD-1B but there isn't a tag for that and there isn't a community for that anywhere but it comes from trauma.)

 

[Ronin]

And yesterday when I started this thread I had a very visceral experience of a rageful, anguished person moving around inside me trying to take over.

Okay, what works for them NOT taking over?

What is that parts coping strategies for difficult emotions, how do they process anger, what helps them dial the degree of it down &/or not act on it, what are they grounding skills?

I would also think on what are you whole stances toward anger, rage, sadism, abusiveness, and the like. I found out often when there are agreements about this, what is not acceptable and what causes what, many may not agree to the terms but the atmosphere around taboos & working on things together may begin to change gradually. Which is a plus.

Hit the brakes, no matter WHO is driving. Hurting others is hurting yourselves whole.

 

[Mach123]

Sorry I spelled your name wrong there @Mach123

Here is my therapists website if you are interested. She is a survivor also and wrote a book. I think it's great that you are helping others. I'm the same way about my marriage, it's great we have each other during the times I'm (we're) not contemplating divorce?

Taking Back Ourselves

 

[HealingMama]

Okay, what works for them NOT taking over?

I am still trying to figure this out. Last night I just did a lot of self talk and some grounding/mindfulness.

What is that parts coping strategies for difficult emotions, how do they process anger, what helps them dial the degree of it down &/or not act on it, what are they grounding skills?

I would also think on what are you whole stances toward anger, rage, sadism, abusiveness, and the like. I found out often when there are agreements about this, what is not acceptable and what causes what, many may not agree to the terms but the atmosphere around taboos & working on things together may begin to change gradually. Which is a plus.

Hit the brakes, no matter WHO is driving. Hurting others is hurting yourselves whole.

I kind of feel like these parts don't know any coping skills. The information learned by this me somehow doesn't reach them.

Creating safety seems to be the primary need which makes sense.

I feel like anger at boundary violations or injustice is normal. Sadism is never ok unless part of a mutually consensual intimate relationship. I don't like it. I don't like being hurt or hurting people. It's all outsourced to this one shadow self person that just can get really ugly.

I guess I need more dialogue with the rogue pieces about that issue to understand what they are trying to accomplish and how it fits the value system of all of me.

I am not sure if I'm understanding what you're getting at but thank you for some food for thought.