Relationship Back on the merry-go-round

[PTSDWIFE]

This is my first time posting. I am the wife of a combat veteran who means the world to me.

We had dated off and on for 6 years (I now know he was isolating, which is why he broke up with me all of those times.) Things were going really well for a few years, and we got married about 2 years ago. That included my daughter and I moving to another state to be with him.

He started isolating again this past February. He out of nowhere said he wanted a divorce. We don't fight often and he never says hurtful things or abuses me. He said he loves me, but didn't want to be married to anyone. He says he was meant to be alone. A few months later, he told me my loyalty and belief in us made him want to stay married. Now again, a few months later-he wants a divorce.

We are planning on living together until our lease is up this summer (his idea) and he is saving money to make sure my daughter and I will be okay. (He is not her bio dad but has always been there for us and refers to her as his daughter.) I know he loves me. I know he might change his mind. But I don't know how much more I can take. He is my rock, and I am his. This just sucks. Any words of wisdom?

 

[scout86]

Is he in therapy?

 

[PTSDWIFE]

Unfortunately, no. He has such a hard time opening up to ANYONE. He has done group therapy at the VA for a few months. (I required that before we got married.) He went to a counselor who specializes in PTSD and marriage counseling (jackpot!) one time before I stupidly agreed to reconcile the marriage. Once we were back together, he stopped.

He has told me he can't do it. I understand how hard it is to open up, having my own issues as well. However, that will be a deal-breaker for me. No therapy = no marriage. I wish I didn't have to use an ultimatum, but I can't be the only one trying to make it work.

Does anyone have suggestions for a man who has an incredibly hard time opening up to a therapist?

 

[scout86]

Does anyone have suggestions for a man who has an incredibly hard time opening up to a therapist?

I don't know that he HAS to open up to a therapist. That's something I find pretty hard too. (I've had a couple conversations with my T about the value of "talking about stuff". At the moment, we're agreeing to disagree.) In spite of that, I've learned a lot that's been pretty useful. We've spent way more time talking about how my life is working now, how "now" is affected by the past, what I might do about that, etc.

On the other hand, my T told me, in an email, before I even started therapy, the PTSD affects more parts of your life than you usually realize and it's pretty hard to deal with it by yourself. I've found he was more right about that than I knew.

 

[PTSDWIFE]

This. So much this.

I am the first person he admitted he had problems to. He didn't want to even mail in the paperwork to the VA. He asked me to mail it because he just couldn't ask for help.

He didn't realize his isolation was related to PTSD until I had a very courageous conversation with him. He still doesn't entirely believe it, and often shuts down if I bring it up. Thank you for your insight!

 

[Buttercup]

@PTSDWIFE What did you say to him?

 

[PTSDWIFE]

This is our loop: He wants to break up and gets very cold. Then he avoids me for weeks/months, except for a text here or there. Finally, he comes back saying he misses me and we honeymoon.

As far as how I say it, I have told him I am concerned that the reason he wants to break up is because of his PTSD. I suggest that I give him space to work on himself, rather than make such a rash decision, and ask him what he needs from me. He says he doesn't think its the PTSD and he has always felt like he just wants to be alone.

I end the discussion because he isn't emotiomally ready to handle it. I wait until we start to reconcile and bring it up. He agrees to get me to shut up about it.

I really don't talk to anyone about this because most people can't really understand.

 

[PTSDWIFE]

Oops...I posted on accident. Anyway, to finish, I don't talk to anyone about this. I am so glad I can share my thoughts here. It is helping me sort out my thoughts and emotions.

 

[grimalkin]

He says he doesn't think its the PTSD and he has always felt like he just wants to be alone.

This is what I got when my husband and I broke up. "I warned you I don't know how to have a relationship but I would try. Well, I tried and it wasn't good enough! I am better off alone! I need to just be alone. PTSD isn't the problem, my not being alone is the problem."

Well. Technically, it's true. But the reason it's a problem is the PTSD. Without therapy? Or even acknowledging it? It will always be a problem. Even with therapy, it will be there. It sucks so much to watch someone you love decide they're better off alone because dealing with their demons (to be able to be with the people they love and who love them) is too painful and too hard. And that reaching out to someone whom, days before, they knew they loved, is too dangerous.

Welcome to the forums. May you gain insight and support. I know I have.

 

[WTF Happened]

“Alone alone alone” that seems to be the theme here. My ex also emphasized the need to be alone, and used that word over and over.

@grimalkin I am so sorry to hear about the end of your marriage. Any word from him? Any remorse? Any glimmers of the old him?

 

[Hojay]

I think it’s both a blessing and a curse to be aware of our partner’s PTSD diagnosis. A blessing because it helps to know that the ups and downs, yeses and noes, are not our fault. A curse because knowing will always give us an explanation/excuse to put up with behavior we would otherwise never put up with. There is not easy fix to this, wavering between personal limits, patience, and support. I have found that trying to view his behavior outside of ptsd, and whether or not I’d be putting up with it without it, has helped me stay a little more clear on my boundaries. That doesn’t always mean I do the right thing for myself at all times, but at least I know the mechanics of why I’m doing it.

 

[PTSDWIFE]

think it’s both a blessing and a curse to be aware of our partner’s PTSD diagnosis. A blessing because it helps to know that the ups and downs, yeses and noes, are not our fault. A curse because knowing will always give us an explanation/excuse to put up with behavior we would otherwise never put up with.

Wow. You really hit the nail on the head. I think it is to the point where I just can't anymore. I took my vows seriously. I meant, "untill death do we part." But I fear I am putting us both in an early grave by staying with a person who never trully could say and mean the same vow.