Back To The Future

[Paloma]

Today my therapist from twenty years ago is coming over. This is T that saw me through the most major PTSD breakdown to date. Have to add the one I am in is running a close second! She did a case review for the VA claim. Sent me a copy at my request (VA loves to lose stuff). That blew me away because a lot of the stuff I didn't remember...and is back again.

She is bringing me my file since she thought I might like having my writings...even though we both know it could be a time bomb for me. But I wanted them to either dispose of...help new T... or maybe someday write a book.

Quite honestly, I owe this woman my life. And I haven't seen her in 13 years. I am pretty nervous. Also freaking about the files. I have an extraordinary ability to bury stuff and fast. Now that container is leaking like a sieve. But now I will have stuff I slammed the door on again after therapy and I thought I was "cured". I really need to get further down the road with my healing...I know that. This is an opportunity. But man, I am scared sh**less!

Thoughts???

 

[helena]

Hi Paloma,

Maybe your nervousness is due to the realisation that this is a big moment for you in the healing process because you are going to see how far you have come.

From what you say about your therapist I think that she would be unlikely to risk returning your writings and case notes if she truly believed that they would cause you to relapse. But, if you are very worried that this can happen why don't you try to speak to her first. It could just be the excitement that is causing you to feel anxiety but it is all getting mixed up

I think writing a book about your life would be an incredible thing to do not only for yourself, but for other sufferers. (I don't actually know of any book written by a ptsd sufferer?)

Without doubt, your therapist clearly believes your writings to be special or she would not take the trouble to return them to you.

This could be an amazing time for you but speak to her and let her know your anxiety about this.

I hope it works out for you

 

[Mina]

Wow - what a great opportunity! Not only to continue your journey, but to simply say "thank you" to someone who assisted you on your path. It's very cool that you can realize how much she helped you in the past.

I don't blame you at all for being scared or nervous - seems like a normal reaction! But, remember that you don't have to open the files until or unless you are ready. You have no obligation to delve into them just because you have them in your possession. It's okay to do it at your own pace and in your own timing.

And if having those files makes you feel obligated somehow, perhaps you could put them in a sealed envelope or box, and give it to a trusted friend for a while. My best friend suggested this to me when I was getting divorced, as she had used it in coping with her divorce and found it useful. So, I took things from that marriage - reminders like photos, gifts, even Christmas ornaments with both our names on them - put them in a box, taped it shut, wrote "Mina's Box - Do Not Open" on it, and shipped it to my mother (we were still speaking then). She was instructed to simply put it in her garage and send it back to me when I asked for it. I did so 2.5 years later, and then didn't open it for another year while it sat in my garage. When I finally opened it and went through things at my own pace, it was the right timing and I was ready to deal with the feelings that may come up.

Please understand that I'm not equating dealing with PTSD or past abuse or memories or anything to dealing with a divorce, but do think there might be some usefulness to that technique.

Take lots of deep breaths and remember that this therapist is someone who cares about you. I wish you well today, and hope you can enjoy seeing her again!! :Hug_emoticon:

 

[Paloma]

Thanks, Helena and Mina. Yeah, I have to settle down a bit. You are right...I don't have to do anything with this stuff right now. This is one of my problems...I try to do full throttle healing...pedal to the metal...let's get this fixed NOW! It don't work that way and I don't know why I expect a different result every time. It is why I bury stuff...cuz I always try to force stuff up and out after I start a meltdown. Sheesh. I am promising myself that this time I am going to do it different and a way that is more respectful to me. I come from that old school of "fix it or shut up and get on with it".

Yes...it will be good to see this woman. I guess it's probably weird for her too. I am not at all used to nurturing relationships and this was probably the first in my life...so it has a big charge. Now she is a friend and not the "keeper of my crap":thumbs-up

No books by PTSD sufferers? Huh! I have been told repeatedly that writing is my gift. This time around in the healing I am trying to embrace the stuff I am good at and that makes me happy...learn to nurture myself (like cooking, decorating the environment, group therapy, etc)...instead of avoiding anything I could succeed at. You know...draw no attention, invite no attack. Maybe this book idea is something I should take seriously.

 

[onebravegirl]

Hi there,
It seems to me that it is time for you to feel a little bit of pride in yourself for how far you come. Embrace the strength that you have discovered in yourself. Sometimes if we just turn around for a minute and see all the mountains we have conquered, it makes the going easier for the ones in front of us! Your courage is part of your beauty. Always remember that!:Hug_emoticon:
O

 

[helena]

Paloma, you know, maybe this is what you need to go for - writing a book.

You have already been told you have a talent for writing and I know that if any ptsd sufferer wrote a book I would be first in the queue to buy it.

Only you - sufferers - can really tell everyone else what it is really like. I have no doubt that psychologists, psychiatrists and any other mental health professional would also be fighting to get to the top of the queue because of the unique insight you could give them.

This is kind of exciting for you... no wonder you are nervous!

 

[suzie q]

What a great thing that your old therapist is still around to help out. I always feel more comfortable when I'm working with someone that knows my history so I won't have to explain all over again. That stresses me out more than anything else.

I have a bad habit of stuffing things also. It never has been something that ever worked, but I didn't know how to do anything else.

It's so good to hear that you are looking into your possible writing. We never know how our dreams will turn out unless we try.

See ya around
suzie q

 

[Paloma]

The visit with T went very well for 3 hours.:smile: It was good to get caught up.

Ok...I peeked at the files. I read about a month's worth and I know I have to put it away for awhile. A couple of things that jumped out for me...and this was before much research on PTSD had been done... how consistent and similar the symptoms are to current ones. Same auditory/visual etc hallucinations, flashbacks, night mares, sleep disturbance, rage, depression, self loathing, confusion, exhaustion,etc. same exact crap 20 yrs later. So not feeling too good about how far I've come. Also how freaked out all the T's and P-docs were around me most of whom I have no memory of at all. All this was going on while my husband was dying of leukemia...I guess my timeline in my head was that this didn't all occur at the same time. Wrong. Lastly...in those long ago notes I am bringing up fresh shrapnel out of the wounds that I now have absolutely no memory of. I knew my sister was sexually abused. I thought I was only physically abused...or this is what I am capableof holding in my head. Evidently there are times when the volcano blows and a glimpse of the hideous searing slag is possible before it cools again to rock. There were some pretty graphic memories of sexual abuse that I have no way to own right now.

How is that possible? How can my brain be so squirrely?? Thanks to the meds I don't think I will go into the abyss. But I am going to crawl into bed with three dogs on top of me and try to fall into a dreamless sleep.

 

[Onefineday]

Hey I was going to write a book too! I feel kind of cheesy about it though. I also went through my old stuff with my therapist who I've seen since I was 10 or 11, and knows first hand what I was livig with because she had a bit of an incident with the guy abusing me during a session one day, after he decided to come in and have a rant.
A lot of the stuff in my notes I didn't even remember, a lot of it hurt, but it was fascinating to go through and say 'I remember tht so well, even though I forgot it'.

 

[Paloma]

I put the box away like others suggested here. I may someday be able to come back to it...but not now. What I took away from this is I need to focus on the 'squirrely brain" right now. Like most sufferers I have big obstacles to deal with around memory (lack there of), confusion, dissociation, triggers, fatigue, etc. that make day to day living a huge challenge...much less working. Now that the risperidone is working:clap:...I have some brain cells available for trying to get back on track. I have spent so many years compensating for these symptoms, denying them, explaining them, ignoring them, achieving 'in spite of'...I am completely and thoroughly out of gas. My adrenal glands probably look like raisens:doh:!

So what would it be like to embrace this and work with it...find jobs that didn't make it worse, put my mental and physical health first, figure out what a competent parent would do for a sick kid? Try some of that on myself instead of being beaten for being sick and carrying that into adulthood as a workaholic and intolerant of any weakness I may have. My ways haven't worked...here I am again. I broke a lot of the ice years ago at the first breakdown acknowledging what had happened...ok...most of it:rolleyes:. Now that I know I cannot out run it...I better figure out how to deal with it.

I made a start yesterday. I started my job traing scheme gig for $$ (not just volunteering) yesterday. I know that I can handle about 2 hrs of me or others talking and then it's "fade to black"...can't take in any more. Plus, I am easily overstimulated and this is a fast paced social service office. No...this is not going to be the long term gig for me...but the people are great and it showed up first. For the first time I can remember...I had the ovaries to say a supervisor..".you have to stop talking to me, I cannot process any more." (They all know about my PTSD and it's a veterans non-profit). It took a couple of times before it registered but then she said "Well you better go take a walk for 10 or 15 min". Sounds silly but it is a big deal for me to put myself before the mission. If I ever manage to work again...realistically I will have to go back to self-employment to handle my neurological deficits. I know I can be productive, it's just not always predictable...unless I want to pay the price I am paying now( 4+ mos flare up).

 

[Spacechic]

The book sound slike a great idea. We see loads of books by therapists but what about the sufferer? I think you are fortunate that you still have contact with this person whom you owe a great deal. I also think reading casenotes would be scarey. I have seen my file and its fat.. I think to myslef what on earth could they write about.

I think you are right at this stage to put the box away.. maybe come back when you feel strong enough. Either way you sound like an awesome individual.