Dom Violence Back to the "i love you and going to change" stuff again...

[leslie82]

You go, girl! For me, the final straw was when my ex jumped his bond that I co-signed for. I was lef...

In my state we don't have bail bondsman. I thought that when you used bondsman you had to pay 10% and then if that person jumps bail, they just keep the money...that's very weird you'd have to pay something and be on the hook. Bail is supposed to be a surety to show up to court and if that person doesn't, they just lose money.

No here's how it works here - you pay cash to the courthouse. 10% of the bail. In that county it goes to the defendant no matter who pays for it. I didn't realize that. I thought that was only if you pay at the sheriff's office and they sent me to the clerk since it was over $500. Hindsight is 20/20.

So I used all my tax return last year and nearly all of my paycheck. He did ask them to release some of it twice in the last year and they said no because then he wouldn't show to court. I know the only reason the judge gave him what was left after they took fees is because of our daughter's story. That's the only reason.

I sent him back a letter and I started it off with "First off, you need professional help." I told him off. I said he's right I don't believe him, his letter reeks of bs. He says this all the time. What family does he want back because we had no family. He was always gone doing drugs. I was taking care of bills, of our daughter. I did everything when his kids were there. (But I hate his kids he's told me because I'm hard on his youngest son). I told him he needs to worry about getting his life together and be a father not about relationships. I said I'm in no position for a relationship with ANYONE at this point. I don't want one. Why so I can find someone else who uses me? If I can't trust him with her daughter how would I trust some random guy? I told him too that being with him he turned me into someone I never thought I'd be. I used to be passionate about writing - he killed that passion. I need to find it again and I need to find myself again. I can't do that with him.

He always gets like this when he's sober but it doesn't last. The longest he's been sober WITHOUT jail or prison is like 2 -3 months. The longest he's had a job five months. He's 35 years old. He mentally acts 19 still. Yeah it was fun when I met him and we were both 19 - it's time to stop "partying."

 

[dulcia]

So I had to pay more than 10% because it was an out of county warrant and I was under 25 at the time. (I guess they are stricter with out of county warrants because some bail bondsmen straight up told me no until this one.) The bondsman bailed him out with the 20% I put down, and then I co-signed for my ex for the bondsman after he was released (stating I would be responsible for him if he didn't keep up his end of the terms of the bond, i.e. show up to your court date.) When he didn't go to his court date, I was responsible for the rest of the cost of the bond, as that was part of his conditions.

Addiction sucks. At least you seem like you've already come to that conclusion on your own.

 

[LuckiLee]

What a mess. I'm sorry you and your daughter have to go through this.

Can you have the court drug test him if he wants visitation?

I agree with the others, cut ALL communication with him. Good luck!!

 

[leslie82]

So I had to pay more than 10% because it was an out of county warrant and I was under 25 at the time...

That is so weird. I just wish I had put the bail in my name somehow if I knew he was going to rip me off it.

 

[leslie82]

What a mess. I'm sorry you and your daughter have to go through this.

Can you have the court drug te...

Until he does the parenting class online and mediation, parenting time is at my discretion. That's exactly what it says in the order. It's been two years - he hasn't done it. I have told him if he wants to see her when he gets out he has to come to where we are and I will meet him at a public place like the zoo or the mall. He will not be in my apartment or anywhere alone with me. If I happen to be near where he is (our families live in the same area) then we can meet and he can see her but I will not go out of my way to take her to him. Unfortunately she's too young to know any different and loves him. She hasn't asked about him much until the other night - or when she gets mad at me she wants Daddy. (She's almost 3). Otherwise I don't think she realizes he's gone.

IF he ever goes back to court and does the class and mediation then in mediation I will say he has to do drug testing. But I don't know if I would say only when he has visitation because if he knows when he has to take a piss test, he knows how to clean himself out. I doubt he'll take me back to court ever. He hasn't taken his other ex wife when she was in contempt of the court order for visitation and withheld visitation because he wasn't paying support (that's when I started to pay it we were together and I wanted to see the kids too). I told him to take her to court but of course not. Why when I could pay it?

I wrote him back a letter and let him have it and made it very clear how I feel and how things are going to go. If he gets his crap together and starts to be a parent fine. But he will not have her alone for a very, very long time. It might not be until the court orders me to do it.

 

[leslie82]

So I had to pay more than 10% because it was an out of county warrant and I was under 25 at the time...

Yes addiction does suck and I very much believe it's a choice. It's not a disease. He chose to use meth knowing it's bad. He continues to use it. He can quit. He quit for 3 years in prison. If he could go three years without it he can stop for good. He just chooses not to.

 

[leslie82]

So the jerk kept the bail money. No one knows where he is. He didn't even call our daughter today on her b'day. She's 3. She asked for him. But before he left his mom's his oldest was there and he lectures the kid about smoking pot. Really??? I guarantee he's on a meth binge right now since he has at least $2000. I knew the letter was bs. He made a new FB page and I messaged him. He blocked me.

His daughter is done with him. I did tell him if he won't change disappear but I wish I had gotten the money first. I need it more than he does.