Bad dream - suicide

[NewBeginnings]

Hard night after last therapy session -didn’t sleep well and had dreams of repeated suicide attempts and getting away with it. It was so detailed and clear. My SI hasn’t been strong in some time but in my dream it was so real.
I have flashbacks at night and this wasn’t that although I did wake up in fright during the night at some point and had no idea where I was - not sure how long but remember the swnsation of complete disbelief when I became aware I was in my grown up house/life.

This scared me. Not sure what to do with this.

 

[Sandstone]

I do listen to my dreams, but not to take them at face value. Yours sounds like an expression of the distress you carried out of therapy, and might be nothing more.

I don't know if symbolism works in the same way from person to person, but in my dreams, death usually seems to mean a change - an ending and a beginning. So suicide might mean that I was trying to move on to something new - maybe that links to your recent name change?

 

[Muttly]

That sounds really rough. I hope you are doing a bit better now. It seems like you were processing some pretty heavy duty memories/feelings.

 

[NewBeginnings]

Thank you @Muttly - I have had a hard week feeling too needy and just hoping that my insecurities and upsetting thoughts will pass- reminding myself that once I hit a rough patch that my self care takes a nose dive and then everything snowballs quickly.

In someways I am disbelief that life is hard and I long for the days of just being and recognizing that life will not be that and probably never was but I found other ways to numb the pain. Not used to feeling and now I feel too much. I get scared because while I think I feel too much I am constantly reminding myself that I have so much more work to do and I doubt I can handle it as many days I am trying to hang on by a thread. The whole situation seems so fragile and then again there is a fine line between this world and the next so why should any of this surprise me.