Bad Girl-i Have A Bad Part & Don't Know What To Do

[MindsInside]

I have recently been feeling my parts again after years of not. I didn't even know I had parts until I met my abuser back in 2010. One part came out when I was meeting him... my bad girl part I call NO NAME. She wants to do the bad things that were done to her and she even likes what happened. She wants daddy to do it again. Anyone else relate? I don't know what to do.... I'm co-conscious, from what I can tell, and I'm afraid of this part. I hate her, she's little, though... I don't know how old, but I'd guess 3-5.

I really don't like her......(I think in this posting, different parts have written, but I'm not sure.) She wants to do things with my mentor and counselor and I'm afraid... I think that they should be afraid, too... they should be afraid of her. I don't know how my mentor can still love her, or me... us. She shouldn't love her, NO NAME isn't worthy of love, she's a whore. I hate her... I feel compelled to yell at my mentor that she shouldn't and can't love NO NAME. What is going on... how do I deal with this????? Please say you relate and understand...

 

[billie]

Your body might be saying to you its ready to process the trauma. Are you in therapy? Wish you well.

 

[anthony]

(I think in this posting, different parts have written, but I'm not sure.)

[notice]I am going to give you one warning up front, not a single person who has brought multiple personalities upon this forum within posting is still on this forum.[/notice]

It causes too much chaos. My advice is to not post if distressed and seek local professional help, because I will ban your account if you bring such an approach here. Experience has always seen the member account banned over all these years due to massive disruption to the community.

Please take notice and post with caution.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

I can't really relate but I think I understand. It must be terrifying to not be in control over your own personality. Though I think it's a good thing you realise that that part of you doesn't want what's best for you.

Perhaps the processing of your trauma(s) is weighing too heavily on you, causing you to panic. It's extremely hard to reprocess such terrible things. Also, the 'bad girl' inside you probably wants to relive your traumas because that's the only part she knows, the only part that feels familiar, making the terror of those memories even feel "safe" in a way. Does that make sense?

I do know that there are a lot of other people with childhood abuse related PTSD who experience similar problems. I would advise you to get frequent therapy sessions with a therapist you trust and feel comfortable enough with. You need and deserve professional help and things will get better. Don't be too hard on yourself, what happened to you was not your fault and was not something you wanted. The 'bad girl' is confused, but with the right help I think it's very possible to reintegrate that part of you with the rest of your personality, so that you can feel whole again.

 

[MindsInside]

[notice]I am going to give you one warning up front, not a single person who has brought multiple personalities upon this forum within posting is still on this forum.[/notice]

Sorry....can you take this down? Sorry sorry sorry.......

 

[Springer80]

Hi, there is an organisation called first person plural that is specifically for people with tertiary dissociative disorders or MPD. If you need to write from the voice of a part of you, which is probably a most helpful thing for you to do, they have a forum.

I realise this is hard as it's beyond your regulation.

The feelings you're having are profoundly complicated but no 3-5 yr old is a whore.

 

[anthony]

No abuse as a child is your fault... JMHO.

 

[Springer80]

Do you think its possible you hate her because she couldnt defend herself and that enrages you and makes you attack her and say abusive things toward her?

I hope your okay.

I dont think Anthony is saying you cant post at all. But to post from a particular aspect of yourself and state it so others can see a reason for a differnent narrative.

Also, people keep their own diaries on here. Maybe it would be appropriate to have one of your own for these things.

 

[anthony]

I dont think Anthony is saying you cant post at all.

Correct. But when you do post, you need to be in a state of mind as owning everything you write as it is from yourself, and not from alters or any other such status. As I said, not a single member who has been down this road here, is still here today, because it causes too many issues. If you can control you, as you the person, no alters or anything else posting here, then post away. If not, then do not post.

 

[MindsInside]

I'm sorry... I'm trying to figure all this stuff out.... I hope I didn't cause chaos or do any damage. I understand what you are saying, Anthony. Springer, I'm not okay. I think what Snowwhite said made sense.