Bad Si Again

[Canotia]

I promise I am good till after Christmas. I would never ruin it for them forever.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes. Christmas is just one day or one season but they need you for life.

One day at a time is all you need to get through. :hug:

 

[sun seeker]

Have you looked at this thread?

My Husband Died Today

Your children would not be better off without you. I don't know anything about your situation except what you have posted here, but I can guarantee you that. Please hold on. I know that can be so terribly hard, but sometimes holding on is all we can do until something shifts to bring relief.

I am concerned about the "after Christmas" thing. If you are still in crisis after Christmas, that's not the best time to access services. You need to tell your therapist how serious this is, NOW. (I'm not shouting, just emphasizing.)

May I send you some virtual hugs? :hug::hug::hug:

 

[Canotia]

I missed the first opportunity. I didn't say anything to my psychiatrist. I see my therapist on Friday. I want to feel better. I am hoping that I am so badly triggered by my parents visit that it will go away with them. I have always, always thought about it. I remember it starting when I was in 6th grade. I made my first attempt at 17 and my second three months ago (43). There are days that I think, just stop thinking about it already, it's been a lifetime, just do it. Yet it seems the best I can do is to think about it, but not obsess, on the best days.

 

[sun seeker]

I see my therapist on Friday. I want to feel better.

Please do talk to your therapist.

When you say you want to feel better, it sounds like maybe you don't want to die so much as you want to stop feeling so awful, and you think death will accomplish that. Hopefully, your therapist can help you find less drastic ways of feeling better. But you do need to let them know how desperate you are so they know there is some urgency involved.

Does your therapist know about your attempts? If not, they need to. That is information that changes the picture considerably.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

(((Canotia))) How are you doing? Better, I hope! Just take one step at at time...that's all anyone can do!

 

[Canotia]

To be honest, I am so triggered. My parents are gone, but I can't come out of it. I spent the entire day trying not to cut or stab and I finally gave into it. That only makes me feel worse. I'm in flashback hell. I cannot think of a more powerful trigger than spending time with the person who abused you and I feel like it is never going to end. Friday, my next appointment is Friday.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

I'm sorry you were so triggered. I have self-harmed in the past. Never drew blood, but I know how the pain seems to help, even if just for a minute. My dr. suggested wearing a rubber band, and snapping that on my wrists when I want to self harm. I had this thought of snapping it for hours! I never did though. Also he suggested holding ice in both hands. THAT gets pretty painful pretty fast.

I am sorry...I don't know your story, but it sounds like HELL to spend time with the one who abused you.

I CARE, and I hope you will keep reaching out here...it is good to have people who care, even if we aren't there in person.

 

[Canticle]

Just under three months ago I had a serious suicide attempt. I was gradually, very gradually doing bet...

Hello Canotia. Thank you fir reaching out and seaking help to carry your burden. I understand your sorrow and struggle with a simular burden. I have a daughter that just turned twenty one years old. She loves and needs me in her life. Regardless; sometimes my pain is so overwhelming that I beg to close my eyes to this world. Somehow I must find a way within me to allow love to rule. It is not an easy endeavor at times for it was the ones I loved and trusted that shredded my soul.

Please do your best to focus your love for yourself and your children. The storm of sorrow will pass. Do not allow the pain to destroy your love within. Your children need you and so does this world. It would be a very dark indifferent existence without the beautiful ones that have the capacity to truly love!