Bailing on therapy

[chaotic harmony]

So she could somehow let me know between the lines that she thinks I'm amazing (that's my job).

It may be your "job" to have a positive sense of self, but it's her job to help you with that!! That is her role! It's her job to lift you up! And I definitely think she knows you're amazing! I've been a lurker for quite some time on these boards and you have shown many, many times that your heart is huge!!!

It's possible she doesn't hate me (I mean, cmon, you gotta admit, I'm awesome...lol!) so yeah.

Yes, you are! She doesn't hate you! If she hated you, she wouldn't have read your email and she wouldn't continue to schedule with you. :p:hug:

I'm not gonna REACT. I'm gonna meditate a lot this week and do what she says often which is give people the benefit of the doubt. Besides, who cares if she hates me, she doesn't show it if she does.

I'm so proud of you! This shows your strength and tenacity. I wish I had this kind of strength! You care if she hates you...we all care if our Ts hate us. But yours doesn't hate you. :happy: You should tell her to stop using the generic T response to emails though. Because, yes, therapy is all about being personal! :hug::hug:

 

[joeylittle]

Just a few thoughts - first, @UnicornSightings - I think you did a great job of working through your reaction to her email, and you landed on a very solid plan.

Please let me know if I can do anything for you in this, and I look forward to talking about what's been happening when I see you next week.

It's a mom thing. That's what kids expect from their moms so yeah, I'd say it had to do with attachment. If you don't have that when you're younger you get all weird when you're older. It's super fun.

I'm familiar with this. And I'm not invalidating your experience - but I was not supported by my parents either, and I think I share some of your feelings - but unconditional love is something you can learn to give to yourself. Also, pets do a really good job of loving us unreservedly. And nothing is forever; we all die eventually. So, while you may think that you need to replace what you did not get from your mom, you cannot strive to replace it with something so idealized as unconditional and forever love coming from a surrogate figure. Ultimately, even children with healthy relationships to their parents need to learn to provide that nurturing for themselves; the parent isn't always there forever. And a partner or friend or therapist can't be a surrogate parent.

It's her job to lift you up!

Not really. It's the therapists role to help us learn to lift ourselves up. And sometimes they can be a pretty active cheerleader - but a smart therapist will never assume too much responsibility for buoying the client's sense of self.

They also know better than to have conversations over email - which is why they generally reflect, validate, empathize, and then remind you that it's something to be addressed in a conversation.

I know it can be frustrating. But it is actually better for the client and the therapist when those communication boundaries are clear.

@UnicornSightings - she asked if there is anything she can do. If it would make a difference for you to do a 10 minute phone check-in, does she offer something like that? Would you feel better writing back and saying 'no, I don't need anything. I'm looking forward to next session'? (Sometimes closing the loop helps).

Or are you truly going to be ok with just continuing to breathe deeply?

 

[Several_Days]

Thank you all for commenting. I've decided not to go back. If therapy was working for me at al...

You sound pretty discouraged. : (
I get it that you might think you can't ever be helped. Thinking it doesn't make it true--neither does fearing that it's true make it true!

If this therapy isn't helping then it's hurting. It can't be neutral. The hurt part is that it makes us blame ourselves (we're beyond help, we can't do it right) or another way it hurts is to convince us that therapy is bs.

It really could be that your therapist isn't a good fit for you and is unable to provide what you need--even if she really cares, is a good person, and is trying her best.

You can give up on therapy right now or this therapist but don't give up on you or on all therapists. There are a lot of paths to healing and lots of different approaches to therapy.

 

[Sideways]

I'm seeing a lot of what they call 'splitting' with your T here, which is when, in your mind, she's perfect one minute, and completely useless the next. It's not a very healthy way to build a relationship with anyone like that, yeah? Because none of us are perfect, but that doesn't mean we're completely useless...

And I'm also thinking that you're kind of expecting the impossible from your T. You cancel without notice, but expect a detailed response to your "I'm not showing up today" email - is that reasonable when you're building any kind of relationship? You didn't show up, so, why would she reward that with "Well, let me give you a whole heap of my time anyway..."?

It was mentioned earlier in the thread that while you've identified an attachment issue, but your approach seems very all or nothing, and I'd agree with that. Your options as you express them seem to be either she becomes the "unconditional love" figure that you want, or you're going to throw in the towel.

You may well get an unconditional-love relationship with someone, but as @joeylittle said, you have to build the relationship with yourself first. And whilst your T is there to help you with that, and model the behaviours that you would expect in a healthy adult, their relationship with you will always be professional; as your T. A T is not supposed to be a surrogate parent. They don't (or shouldn't) love you. And they don't even accept us unconditionally- for example, if we cancel appointments without notice, that's not really ok. We expect them to show at the agreed time, and actually, that expectation is mutual.

So, a T certainly isn't intended to be the "unconditional love" figure we missed out on in our childhood, not by a long shot. They're our T, they have a very specific job that we pay them to do: help us recover.

If you're feeling too attached, that's really really common. But as with any relationship, it's about recognising issues and dealing with them, not recognising issues and abandoning ship.

There's a lot going on here, but I guess the short of it is that you seem to have a fairly impossible expectation of what your T should be in your life. And if you decide not to turn up for appointments, then it seems pretty rough for her to invest a whole lot in replying to your "I'm not coming" email. If you have something you want to discuss, you do that at an appointment, you don't fail to show for an appointment and assume she's going to switch the rules of engagement to email-appointments instead... Poor lady can't seem to win, you know?

 

[UnicornSightings]

I'm seeing a lot of what they call 'splitting' with your T here, which is when, in your mind, sh...

Wow. This made me feel really awful. You're right, I'm pretty horrible. First thought is that she doesn't deserve that and I can't go back.

I didn't expect a long response to the "I'm not going" email, just the subsequent one but I get your point.

Thanks for the brutal honesty.

 

[chaotic harmony]

No no no! You are NOT horrible!!! Not at all! I completely understand your thinking and what you are going through is hard. It's so freakin difficult to deal with attachments and I recognize you trying really hard to understand it and to understand what you need from her. I disagree completely that our Ts are not supposed to lift us up, like I said before. That IS their job when we are struggling. They are your support. People around here seem to have this idea that being "dependent" on your T is a huge sin(?) or something. It's not. It's common, especially with people who have endured major trauma. I'm not saying it's healthy to be so dependent that it stops you thinking for yourself, but there is nothing wrong for needing that help while you heal. As times goes on the dependency will lessen and you'll be able to lift yourself up all by yourself.

I understand the feeling of being discouraged, but don't beat yourself up! I'm here if you need me! :hug:

 

[chaotic harmony]

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A lot of therapists encourage this as they know some things are easier said in writing. It's not crossing a boundary to have email conversations if the therapist allows it. If you go back, talk to her about this specifically. She can tell you exactly what to expect. :tup:

 

[Sideways]

You're right, I'm pretty horrible.

I get where this is coming from, because I had a T say pretty much the same thing to me a few years back: Ragdoll, this is called splitting, and it's not healthy.

They've given it a name because so many of us do it. It's a protective behaviour and when you consider how screwed up our role models were when we were learning about relationships, it's not really surprising how we might not always get it right first time.

Thing is, you now have more insight than you did before, which is huge progress. And more importantly, you're now in the perfect position to experience what it's like to screw up a bit in a relationship, and still have the other person accept you, just as they did before.

Because as much as I know how you're feeling now, if your T is a reasonable person, and it sounds like she is, you know what? She's ok with all this, she still wants to help you as much as she did before you started this thread. So if you're willing to have a shot at going bacl to therapy, and maybe even talking some of this through with you T, then you get the (absolutely priceless) experience of being accepted, warts and all. That's what a healthy adult would do, and my guess is your T will likely be thrilled not just that you went back, but that you learnt a truckload about yourself in the process.

With our role models? The odds are massively stacked against us, it's a wonder we don't screw up more than we do. But screwing up? Is ok. We're human, and we're doing this therapy thing to get better and better at this whole "life" thing, and if we have the courage to stick with it? We do get better, our relationships get better, and our life becomes one that's meaningful, enjoyable, and not all about isolation.

Be gentle with yourself, you're actually doing great.

 

[UnicornSightings]

I think Ragdoll circus was right. She can't win with me. I officially ended it via email. I'm so freaken sad but I know it was for the best. Thanks for being so kind to me, Chaotic. I wish you nothing but the best with your situation. So much love to you.

 

[chaotic harmony]

Oh no! PLEASE don't let this thread be the cause of you ending your therapy. Oh...I'm so sad for you right now. Unsend, unsend! (Ok I know that's not possible) Can you at least talk to her face to face before making this absolutely final?

 

[UnicornSightings]

Oh no! PLEASE don't let this thread be the cause of you ending your therapy. Oh...I'm so sad fo...

No, it's done. She deserves so much better. You have no idea how amazing she is. I wish she could be your therapist. Everyone deserves someone like her. Well, everyone who isn't awful. I really hope she has an amazing life. I kinda want to crawl in a hole somewhere and just stay until I die. This hurts.

 

[chaotic harmony]

No, it's done. She deserves so much better. You have no idea how amazing she is.

YOU deserve her amazingness! There is no such thing as "she deserves better." YOU are that better. You're hurting right now over attachment but I know she gets that and she wants to work on that with you. I know because she said so in her email. Can you at least call her and talk it over? If you still feel like walking away, at least have a closure session??