This is my first time posting, but believe me I've read a plethora of the personal stories on here. Like many it brought an immense relief finding this forum, I want to personally thank you for sharing!
I am the friend & supporter of a great, respectable man who suffers from combat PTSD.
So here is our story:
We met randomly through mutual friends, on Facebook of all places. I know, hilarious. Anyways, he reached out to me regarding strength & conditioning gyms in his area, mistakenly thinking I lived nearby. He had just moved back to that town (where our mutual friend also resides) and was looking to make new connections. I wound up giving him some recommendations, as I travel a lot, but then told him I lived a state away. Anyway, we somehow become virtual pen pals. This was March/April 2013.
Over the course of a month or so, we began to email daily. As our messages got longer as the days passed, I found myself looking forward to reading his replies. Eventually he gave me his number. Naturally, we started with texting. Daily conversations of length. Anyways with a bit more time he asked if he could take me on a date. While I was intrigued, I declined because of the circumstances (long distance) and the fact he had gotten out of a serious relationship within the past 6 months (another reason why he had moved). It didn't help that our mutual friend, a guy friend of mine I've known since high school, told me to watch out for the rebound/player sweet talk. Words of wisdom I already was on guard for. Anyway, we continued to talk but he was insistent and eventually offered me a lovely date idea. I accepted.
Funny story, I accepted but last minute brought that mutual friend along! Because the two had been room mates before in college, he accepted the situation (sincerely) and seemed to understand (how often does a lady fly to another state for a first date? Let alone to have dinner at the guys house--I know it sounds like a bad situation. Which is why I utilized my resources). Regardless you couldn't even tell if it bothered him, he was such a gentleman and so excited to meet in person. Let alone everything he'd done to decorate (mind you me bringing the friend was thrown on him last minute) and cooked for us was beautiful. Frankly we all had a blast (ok I think my friend was a tad jealous but that's besides the point). The next day was Memorial Day. He's an OIF veteran and was infantry special ops. This was our amazing first date (it was just us this time) and I will never forget when he told me, "I haven't been this happy on this day in years. Thank you so much for spending this weekend with me." We honored his friends he lost in combat...worked out, had lunch, napped and laughed...but eventually I had to leave. He took me to the airport and kissed me, telling me he'd like to see each other again sometime.
This was the beginning of our romance. We talked daily virtually and spent several weekends together over the course of April- October...That was until he began to communicate less and I grew anxious that the ship was sinking. At a certain point I knew the situation was futile and dove head first back into my yoga practice to heal the heart break and pain. He went MIA on Veterans Day.
Somehow over the course of that month of November I randomly met an Air Force man at my yoga studio. We began to date, I won't lie I was listening to my friends' advice which was to distract my heartache with the attention of another (something I had NEVER done before, but at that point I thought what could it hurt). Long story short: I didn't hear a squeak from my summer love, and things were going wonderful with the airman. We ended up dating and living together for 6 months. Then he got cold feet before his sisters wedding and we broke up in the spring.
To my shock, after months of silence and dealing with the emotional roller coaster of my current break up, summer love somehow popped back into my life.
So, we began anew. From our reunion he came clean to me about his PTSD. I was naive then, but appreciated our open communication. I slowly started to educate myself about the beast we've come to know as PSTD.
This time though things between us were significantly different, and we really took to dating( Last year had been more casual). We alternated weekends visiting one another for the next 4-5months, took several "staycations" of varying length together, I helped him move into a new location, and helped support him through some rough job transitioning/unemployment. We moved from simply texting or email (past) to FaceTiming for hours when we couldn't get away and visit one another. I felt like we were truly getting to know each other better and from time to time he opened up to me more (I never pried, he just did) about his service. Surprisingly we even stayed in contact while I did field work abroad as part of my schooling for a month in Central America. He saw me off, and welcomed me back (I didn't even go home first-all I cared about was seeing him).
After the "welcome back" weekend together, I returned home and he went MIA again. This time for about a week. Over the course of the year he'd have his bouts where he'd push away, particularly after an incredible weekend together or trip we had taken or intense conversations. Each time we seemingly got closer mentally, spiritually and physically. For clarity we have been physical for the duration of our courtship and to my knowledge we've been monogamous. Since starting over, after last year, I have never felt he's been interested in anyone else but me (granted my doubts have theirs days, but I know it's hogwash).
When he decided to reach out after that week, he told me he was done and didn't want to do 'this' anymore (we have never had labels on our friendship/relationship). He said I deserve someone who truly wants to date me and lives closer to me... And that I need not waste anymore time on him. Focus on school. Etc. Etc. For the first time since last year, he refused to talk to me over the phone. In previous incidences of such moments, of what I will call insecurity and guilt, we usually talked it out...gave space, breathing room and may or may not revisit the situation. This time he threw up the wall and silence reigned again. About 3 weeks rolled by painstakingly, when he contacted me out of the blue. He told me he'd been offered a new job and was moving. TO MY CITY.
Anyway, as you can imagine my heart sings for this man and I was overjoyed...and confused. But he moved and we have gone out and talked regularly, though it's not to the same degree as before when we were managing our friendship long distance ...But he has a busy schedule and job now, which he didn't have before. For that I'm thankful. It also give him a sense of worth and camaraderie, so that helps. I try to keep things in stride.
So why I am writing to you all: I'm conflicted. Last weekend he picked me up from the airport, as I had left to visit family for Thanksgiving, and we had the best night (communication wise) to date! We began talking about new birth control options, how he trusts me, why he hasn't introduced me to his new coworkers or his family (they live a few states away but visit him), and basically I just laid it out there: "Why don't you just let me love you?"
His response was deflated and depressing (I mean he embodied it) as he said, "I just can't let you. It's dangerous. And I'm too f***ed up, beyond repair. That's just how it is. I keep things in my life separate because it's easier..." And he rolled down the "If you meet someone else I want you to pursue that, you deserve that and more" train. It was a relief oddly to be having this conversation in person...When I asked him, "So you wouldn't care if I left and dated around or met someone? Is that what you mean?" He deflated more and said "It depends...look, I probably would be...but that's BESIDES the point I'm making here." And then he rolled away and said "It hurts"
Since then he's been distant. Told me when we were supposed to go out two days later that he was in a 'weird mood' and needed time to himself. I acknowledged what he said, thanked him for letting me know and gave him space. This past weekend I invited him to go out last minute and was flirty (what can I say, I miss him) and he replied, "I don't know how I feel about that right now, especially after our last conversation..." I asked him to clarify what about that conversation made him feel uneasy, but if he didn't want to that was ok too...he replied "I don't want to date anyone and I don't want emotional attachment and I don't like when you try to manipulate me"
My heart sank, and I said to him I had just been expressing myself. He said "I understand. I'm not mad at you I just don't think I can give you what you want."
I feel like for every step forward we've made, it's two steps back. It's like a cha cha. And I love this man dearly. No he's not on any medication (we both are against it) and as long as I've known him there has been no therapy (his past I'm unsure about, but his distain towards it makes me believe it wasn't his cup of tea)...So here I am. Telling you our story. The past few days he's replied to little "thinking of you messages" I shoot over and seemingly is in good spirits (but honestly anyone can hide behind "Lol" and teasing comments)...
Are we on the right track? Is this possible like I believe it to be? Patience in the face of adversity. Or is it futile if he doesn't have therapy? Am I remaining in a self negating relationship and should accept that he's granting me the chance to leave him behind in the castle with his curse to pursue "what(ever) I want" (Lord knows I'm not sure I even know what that is right now, so how he would is beyond me) ... If he believes be doesn't deserve me, can I truly be there for him?
Any words of wisdom, advice, encouragement or personal testimony greatly appreciated. Thank you.
Note: I left out other symptom details for the sake of space, but he's openly told me he has PTSD and slight TBI..he has trouble sleeping, tremors, hyper awareness/vigilance when we go out etc...overall he remains calm and collected to the plain eye, but I know him enough to tell. He drinks on and off. Been sober for months and goes out with his vet friends partying like it's Y2k. He's never raised his hand or voice against me, I've never felt unsafe. He's never been unfaithful--however you want to look at that in our friendship.
I am the friend & supporter of a great, respectable man who suffers from combat PTSD.
So here is our story:
We met randomly through mutual friends, on Facebook of all places. I know, hilarious. Anyways, he reached out to me regarding strength & conditioning gyms in his area, mistakenly thinking I lived nearby. He had just moved back to that town (where our mutual friend also resides) and was looking to make new connections. I wound up giving him some recommendations, as I travel a lot, but then told him I lived a state away. Anyway, we somehow become virtual pen pals. This was March/April 2013.
Over the course of a month or so, we began to email daily. As our messages got longer as the days passed, I found myself looking forward to reading his replies. Eventually he gave me his number. Naturally, we started with texting. Daily conversations of length. Anyways with a bit more time he asked if he could take me on a date. While I was intrigued, I declined because of the circumstances (long distance) and the fact he had gotten out of a serious relationship within the past 6 months (another reason why he had moved). It didn't help that our mutual friend, a guy friend of mine I've known since high school, told me to watch out for the rebound/player sweet talk. Words of wisdom I already was on guard for. Anyway, we continued to talk but he was insistent and eventually offered me a lovely date idea. I accepted.
Funny story, I accepted but last minute brought that mutual friend along! Because the two had been room mates before in college, he accepted the situation (sincerely) and seemed to understand (how often does a lady fly to another state for a first date? Let alone to have dinner at the guys house--I know it sounds like a bad situation. Which is why I utilized my resources). Regardless you couldn't even tell if it bothered him, he was such a gentleman and so excited to meet in person. Let alone everything he'd done to decorate (mind you me bringing the friend was thrown on him last minute) and cooked for us was beautiful. Frankly we all had a blast (ok I think my friend was a tad jealous but that's besides the point). The next day was Memorial Day. He's an OIF veteran and was infantry special ops. This was our amazing first date (it was just us this time) and I will never forget when he told me, "I haven't been this happy on this day in years. Thank you so much for spending this weekend with me." We honored his friends he lost in combat...worked out, had lunch, napped and laughed...but eventually I had to leave. He took me to the airport and kissed me, telling me he'd like to see each other again sometime.
This was the beginning of our romance. We talked daily virtually and spent several weekends together over the course of April- October...That was until he began to communicate less and I grew anxious that the ship was sinking. At a certain point I knew the situation was futile and dove head first back into my yoga practice to heal the heart break and pain. He went MIA on Veterans Day.
Somehow over the course of that month of November I randomly met an Air Force man at my yoga studio. We began to date, I won't lie I was listening to my friends' advice which was to distract my heartache with the attention of another (something I had NEVER done before, but at that point I thought what could it hurt). Long story short: I didn't hear a squeak from my summer love, and things were going wonderful with the airman. We ended up dating and living together for 6 months. Then he got cold feet before his sisters wedding and we broke up in the spring.
To my shock, after months of silence and dealing with the emotional roller coaster of my current break up, summer love somehow popped back into my life.
So, we began anew. From our reunion he came clean to me about his PTSD. I was naive then, but appreciated our open communication. I slowly started to educate myself about the beast we've come to know as PSTD.
This time though things between us were significantly different, and we really took to dating( Last year had been more casual). We alternated weekends visiting one another for the next 4-5months, took several "staycations" of varying length together, I helped him move into a new location, and helped support him through some rough job transitioning/unemployment. We moved from simply texting or email (past) to FaceTiming for hours when we couldn't get away and visit one another. I felt like we were truly getting to know each other better and from time to time he opened up to me more (I never pried, he just did) about his service. Surprisingly we even stayed in contact while I did field work abroad as part of my schooling for a month in Central America. He saw me off, and welcomed me back (I didn't even go home first-all I cared about was seeing him).
After the "welcome back" weekend together, I returned home and he went MIA again. This time for about a week. Over the course of the year he'd have his bouts where he'd push away, particularly after an incredible weekend together or trip we had taken or intense conversations. Each time we seemingly got closer mentally, spiritually and physically. For clarity we have been physical for the duration of our courtship and to my knowledge we've been monogamous. Since starting over, after last year, I have never felt he's been interested in anyone else but me (granted my doubts have theirs days, but I know it's hogwash).
When he decided to reach out after that week, he told me he was done and didn't want to do 'this' anymore (we have never had labels on our friendship/relationship). He said I deserve someone who truly wants to date me and lives closer to me... And that I need not waste anymore time on him. Focus on school. Etc. Etc. For the first time since last year, he refused to talk to me over the phone. In previous incidences of such moments, of what I will call insecurity and guilt, we usually talked it out...gave space, breathing room and may or may not revisit the situation. This time he threw up the wall and silence reigned again. About 3 weeks rolled by painstakingly, when he contacted me out of the blue. He told me he'd been offered a new job and was moving. TO MY CITY.
Anyway, as you can imagine my heart sings for this man and I was overjoyed...and confused. But he moved and we have gone out and talked regularly, though it's not to the same degree as before when we were managing our friendship long distance ...But he has a busy schedule and job now, which he didn't have before. For that I'm thankful. It also give him a sense of worth and camaraderie, so that helps. I try to keep things in stride.
So why I am writing to you all: I'm conflicted. Last weekend he picked me up from the airport, as I had left to visit family for Thanksgiving, and we had the best night (communication wise) to date! We began talking about new birth control options, how he trusts me, why he hasn't introduced me to his new coworkers or his family (they live a few states away but visit him), and basically I just laid it out there: "Why don't you just let me love you?"
His response was deflated and depressing (I mean he embodied it) as he said, "I just can't let you. It's dangerous. And I'm too f***ed up, beyond repair. That's just how it is. I keep things in my life separate because it's easier..." And he rolled down the "If you meet someone else I want you to pursue that, you deserve that and more" train. It was a relief oddly to be having this conversation in person...When I asked him, "So you wouldn't care if I left and dated around or met someone? Is that what you mean?" He deflated more and said "It depends...look, I probably would be...but that's BESIDES the point I'm making here." And then he rolled away and said "It hurts"
Since then he's been distant. Told me when we were supposed to go out two days later that he was in a 'weird mood' and needed time to himself. I acknowledged what he said, thanked him for letting me know and gave him space. This past weekend I invited him to go out last minute and was flirty (what can I say, I miss him) and he replied, "I don't know how I feel about that right now, especially after our last conversation..." I asked him to clarify what about that conversation made him feel uneasy, but if he didn't want to that was ok too...he replied "I don't want to date anyone and I don't want emotional attachment and I don't like when you try to manipulate me"
My heart sank, and I said to him I had just been expressing myself. He said "I understand. I'm not mad at you I just don't think I can give you what you want."
I feel like for every step forward we've made, it's two steps back. It's like a cha cha. And I love this man dearly. No he's not on any medication (we both are against it) and as long as I've known him there has been no therapy (his past I'm unsure about, but his distain towards it makes me believe it wasn't his cup of tea)...So here I am. Telling you our story. The past few days he's replied to little "thinking of you messages" I shoot over and seemingly is in good spirits (but honestly anyone can hide behind "Lol" and teasing comments)...
Are we on the right track? Is this possible like I believe it to be? Patience in the face of adversity. Or is it futile if he doesn't have therapy? Am I remaining in a self negating relationship and should accept that he's granting me the chance to leave him behind in the castle with his curse to pursue "what(ever) I want" (Lord knows I'm not sure I even know what that is right now, so how he would is beyond me) ... If he believes be doesn't deserve me, can I truly be there for him?
Any words of wisdom, advice, encouragement or personal testimony greatly appreciated. Thank you.
Note: I left out other symptom details for the sake of space, but he's openly told me he has PTSD and slight TBI..he has trouble sleeping, tremors, hyper awareness/vigilance when we go out etc...overall he remains calm and collected to the plain eye, but I know him enough to tell. He drinks on and off. Been sober for months and goes out with his vet friends partying like it's Y2k. He's never raised his hand or voice against me, I've never felt unsafe. He's never been unfaithful--however you want to look at that in our friendship.
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