Becoming A Drone...and I Want To Run Away

[Emilie]

I feel so robotic, like every day is just the same thing over and over. I feel so alone. I just don't connect with anyone around me, it feels like I'm broken. There was a time when I was still messed up but at least still able to be social, and now I just can't do it anymore. I don't know how to make new friends, I just wish I had that one friend that you can sit down and have a heart to heart with but I lost that when I got married, for whatever reason she just dropped of the face of the planet. I don't even know how to trust anybody anymore, I feel like the risk of being hurt again isn't worth putting myself out on the line anymore. Does anyone know what I mean?

I went through my teenage years going through dissociative fugues, I would literally run away and live with other people(my aunt, my friends) and completely change who I was, my social group, ect... I feel so embarrassed by that and I feel like maybe that's why nobody wants to talk to me anymore. I'm getting scared because I've had those thoughts of running away again. I can't though, I have children, I have a life... I don't know what to do. I wanted to hang myself(my T knows everything) but I couldn't do it, there's no way I'd do that to the people around me. It hurt me more that I'd be hurting my family than hurting myself. I'm sure if I was on my own again I wouldn't be here today. I don't think I've ever felt so hopeless as I do now, but at least I'm not using that same messed up way of coping. Plus I feel horrible that I feel horrible and that I'm even having thoughts like that, I want to be sane for the sake of my family but for every step forward I keep taking two steps back.

 

[sbump]

Hang in there

 

[Fan Blender]

Hi Emilie,

I am married and have children too. I often think of running away or hanging myself too. I really get what you're saying. I can't keep friends, I can't keep a job, I am consumed with feelings of guilt for hurting my family because I can't focus on doing mom or wife things and freak out in fear when my pre-schooler throws something and it makes a loud noise... the list could go on.... Your word "broken" also struck a cord with me, that is the exact word I use to identify myself every single day.

I just signed up for this forum because of your post. I cried. I felt like someone was speaking for me. I've never experienced that before. Thank you. I hope you stick around. You are inspirational even in your darkest moments.

 

[suzie q]

As one "runner" to another, I hear your need to find a place of peace and serenity. When I ran, it was because I didn't feel comfortable in my own skin. I always thought that somewhere else would allow me that comfort. It never did. I ran, and there I was. I remember a time when I would literally leave all my possessions and just GO. I did this for many years. Running to me was a way to numb the uncomfortable feelings, or at least that is what my brain told me. It lied.

The PTSD doesn't help with all the anxiety it causes. I get frustrated easily with responsibilities and chaos. I feel out of control, something that really pisses me off. Even with the support of my husband, I feel alone in my feelings. I had to find the triggers, the things I did to make me numb and stop allowing or work through the feelings to the end. I always wanted to forget and be numb. Sometimes drugs/alcohol helped with that, but eventually it caused a tremendous amount of chaos, hence here comes the anxiety and PTSD symptoms. Stopping that cycle took some time, but I had a great therapist.

Keep working with your therapist on coping skills, maybe look closely here for tools to help. Just know that it doesn't matter what you "feel" like, it matters what you react or do with those feelings. Share them with your husband and ask for support. Let him read the carer sections. You can work through this and staying here keeps ya from being lonely.

Hang in there...you matter:tup: