Beginning my journey

[GenieWithNoWishes]

I'm not sure I'm even on the right site for this question but I've just had a diagnosis of ptsd after an event in January last year.

I've not started therapy yet but it's being organised. I don't know that it will help or that it's even the right thing to try. I feel like the biggest problem I have is that my family won't accept that it was my fault which is stopping me from being able to talk to them about it or begin to make amends.

Has anyone else struggled with this? how do you start to redeem yourself if people around you won't accept that you had a part to play? It affected them all so deeply too and I need to make it up to them but don't know where to start if they won't even let me apologise.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Has anyone else struggled with this? how do you start to redeem yourself if people around you won't accept that you had a part to play? It affected them all so deeply too and I need to make it up to them but don't know where to start if they won't even let me apologise.

I have the opposite issue with my family. But, it is hard to know how to answer and advise about this if I don't now what *it* is. Care to share a bit more?

 

[Teamwork]

I have a friend who let his son sleep over for the first time when he was fifteen at a friends. All he did was go in chat with the teens who had the apt, was invited to stay but wanted to go home have a beer and watch a movie. Later that night the youth pulled a bed couch out and didn't realize the heater was underneath. His son perished in the fire and to this day he blames himself. I've never been able to convince him otherwise and have stopped trying. Instead I am supportive in many ways. Sometime fault isn't the issue, or the need that arises from the trauma, but the realization that no matter how it occurred people are there for you. May you feel that we are here for you too and even if your family doesn't want to hear the fault or apology look for ways that they are there for you.

 

[Deleted member 34328]

I don't know anything about your situation, but the fact is, you have suffered a trauma which in turn has developed ptsd.

I don't know if self-blame is part of the problem or guilt, harm to another person during the event, however it's highly unlikely that only one person is involved.

Why do you feel such pressure to ask for forgiveness alone?

Therapy for ptsd would be very beneficial for many reasons, one being that you would have the benefit of someone to help direct your pain and teach you how to cope with such a distressing situation.

Your voice sounds resigned to accept full responsibility and I can't help but wonder why that is.

 

[GenieWithNoWishes]

Thank-you to everyone for your encouragement.

My son was stillborn in January last year - the consultant told me afterwards that his death could have been prevented if I had not been "misinformed and under prepared". From the reports I've been given from the hospital, I chose the wrong hospital to give birth in and put too much trust my midwife but I've not been able to figure out how I would have known that at the time, no matter how many times I have gone over what happened that night.

I am willing to take responsibility for my part in his death but I don't know what to do now or what taking responsibility looks like. My husband and family didn't deserve for this to happen to them and I know that I can't ever make it better but I should at least be doing something that shows them that I know that I need to.

I'm finding it hard to figure this out when no-one will talk to me about it. Whenever I try they just deny that it was anything to do with me. I've stopped trying to talk about it now because it just upsets everyone more.

That's why I'm struggling with how to make amends when someone won't accept that you're at fault?

 

[Deleted member 34328]

Perhaps it's because you aren't at fault. Perhaps the stillbirth could have been prevented, but no one can know that with any degree of certainty.

Maybe you aren't able to fully process this yet, however when a sudden death occurs, we have the need to place blame somewhere or on someone. You've chosen yourself and I understand that.

I lost my baby as well. I didn't carry to term though past the 3 month time table. I felt terrible guilt and self-loathing as I felt that my body had failed me.

The truth is, you'll never know what any other outcome would have been. We all ask the questions, but there are no answers. I personally don't think I would feel any better if I did know why.

My heart goes out to you. My grief was and is terrible. You seem to be blocking such an important part of this process. My baby's name is Lily. Do you have a name for him? What can you describe about him? Can you visit a burial place? Or perhaps a box of special things?

Perhaps write a letter to him expressing your deep love for him. Express just how his presence fills your heart. How everyone welcomed him. That you look forward to meeting him one day and what a joyful reunion that will be.

Your son and my Lily may be good friends and we'll look forward to meeting them and gathering our children into our arms.

This is not your fault any more than it was mine. It is not a lack of understanding. No midwife desires such a devestating result. She is grieving as well. She may be blaming herself and now second guessing every decision she makes.

Be kind to yourself and let out your feelings. Anger, sadness even despair, but please not self-blame.

Much love to you.

 

[GenieWithNoWishes]

I have thought of the midwife and considered my role in what she is going through. She has not been allowed to work since and I know that must be hard for her but I don't have the energy to worry about her too. People have told me that she was probably just having a bad day and shouldn't be called to answer for her mistakes but I struggle to accept this view.

I have not yet worked out what made her think that me and my son Elliot were not important enough to look after properly. I do resent the fact that she made me think everything was okay when it wasn't, if it weren't for her advice and the decisions she made on my behalf he would have been born alive.

If I hadn't blindly trusted someone I didn't know. Elliot would be here now.

I spent so much time and effort deliberately replaying my labour in my mind in an attempt to figure out where it went wrong so that I could prevent the same thing happening again. The therapist who did my assessment said that if I haven't figured it out by now then I never will. I know she was right so I have to accept that we will never be parents.

Since then I have taken a different approach and avoided all triggers and tried to focus on finding a different path in life but I can't get over the fact that I have robbed my husband of a son and my family of a grandson, cousin and nephew. Not only because I failed with Elliot but because I am not able to learn from the mistakes I have made.

The midwife will retrain and learn from her mistakes and be better at her job because of this. I don't have this option but I feel like I owe it to my family to make something of my failure like she is able to.

 

[Deleted member 34328]

Was it an issue of your not being transfered to the hospital when Elliot showed signs of distress or were there warning signs that she didn't pick up on? Was it a home birth or at a birthing center?

What have the doctors told you to indicate no future pregnancies?

Please forgive me if you aren't comfortable answering these questions. I'm just wondering what judgement calls did the midwife make to cause this tragedy. Was she working alone or was there a second midwife?

 

[GenieWithNoWishes]

I was at a midwife led birthing centre. She was looking after us alone with a student who had never seen a birth before. I wasn't told this at the time and didn't suspect as
The student was left alone to look after us for several hours.
When the midwife eventually did start to look after us, she was not monitoring properly or regularly enough so she didn't notice when he was in distress. Eventually we were transferred to hospital because I was taking too long, I had been pushing for three and a half hours and was exhausted. She told me to stop pushing and wait until we got to hospital, I was glad of the break but it took another two hours because she didn't call it in as an emergency.

Within a few minutes of arriving at the hospital his heart stopped, he was delivered within seconds via forceps but the doctors couldn't get his heart to start again . If we had been transferred quicker or if I hadn't have given up so easily he would have survived.

I had no idea that things were going so wrong until I arrived at hospital and saw the faces of the midwives there. The whole time leading up to then, she was telling me that he was happy and chatting away making small talk.

He died of hypoxia because he was too far out when I stopped pushing. If she had called it earlier or if I had carried on it wouldn't have happened.

There was no medical reason for his death so the doctors can't advise against another pregnancy but this also means they can't prevent it from happening again.

 

[Deleted member 34328]

Oh wow! How awful! A nightmare that you had no way of preparing yourself for. Have you been able to grieve his loss? Not blame yourself, but grieve. Grief is different for everyone. You need a warm blanket, lots of hugs...I really wish I could be with you. What a loss.

I have had 3 deliveries and I know now that my body is not built for large babies. Large meaning much more than 7lbs. My last living baby was 8lbs and my Dr compared the level of difficulty to that of a tiny oriental woman having a 10lbs baby. I am simply not built very large at all. My 3rd, which is supposed to get easier, took 4 hours to push out.

I'm saying this to try and tell you that everyone is built differently. My first also got stuck after 3 hrs of pushing and like Elliot, was too advanced to back her up or move forward. Later, I asked the dr what would have happened had the forceps not worked, she assured me there are always ways to get a baby safely delivered.

It does sound to me that you should have been monitored more closely as well as being declared an emergency long before 3 and a half hours. With pregnancy, it is always a miracle when you are handed a healthy baby. No one can predict what the pregnancy or delivery will look like and this was your first. So there was no frame of reference.

Does your husband feel loss or blame? He did not insist on extra care either. Does he comfort you in the loss you both share? No one will feel the depth of attachment to Elliot that you feel. You carried him and nurtured him for 9 months. You and you alone. No one else truly felt his movements and personality. Those are you treasures.

There truly is nothing you could have done differently. Unless you have a medical degree and a specialty in obstetrics, you cannot possibly have any knowledge to draw from and even then a woman in labor is not capable of rational thought or choice. Only the physical demands of your body and fear for your little one. You are fully dependant on those around you trained to take care of you and your baby. That's where blame lies. You were let down. You should have received proper care and it was withheld from you at the most important time.

The doctors are right. There is nothing medically wrong with you or Elliot. It is a problem that the medical staff are responsible for.

You have not taken away the joy of a son or grandson. You are not the one mothering your infant, your husband is not holding his son nor his or your parents holding their grandchild. You didn't keep from giving them a baby, you were and are a grieving mother aching to hold your precious son.

 

[GenieWithNoWishes]

Thank-you for your kind words but I am not the victim here.
I have been too selfish until recently, only thinking of how I have failed. I need to focus now on making things right for my husband. He does feel that he could have acted differently but he put his trust in me and I betrayed that trust just like the midwife did to me.

I didn't do a good enough job - I caused this heartache and my behaviour since has made life very difficult for him and I don't know how to put that right. I understand that he can't talk about it because he doesn't want to accept that I could have done something so hurtful.

We both need for me to make amends for what happened but I don't know where to start.

 

[Deleted member 34328]

I really am sorry for all this. It would be great if we could snap our fingers and make it all better. Life doesn't work like that.

I can only repeat what I've already said in that you truly are not to blame in any of this. It's a tragedy that no woman should have to bear.

If you're able to find a different therapist, I would strongly suggest that you do so. You don't need to figure anything out and it makes me angry that anyone would suggest otherwise.

You need to take care of yourself and not those around you. Easier said than done - I know.

My heart really does go out to you. As a mother myself and the loss of my daughter, I feel your pain. I still struggle with self blame sometimes, but I know it's not true. It's not true for you either, but only time and expression of grief will help you.

A compassionate therapist would be a great help in sorting some of this out.