Behavior

[saraemerald]

Can anyone relate to this? I am trying to make sense of this.

I don't even know how this was possible but despite some pretty harsh abuse throughout childhood and moving out and facing adulthood without my parents from age 18 on, I have always been able to move forward, maintain a positive attitude, love people and be happy, even with PTSD symptoms.

But when I reached 26, I suddenly changed overnight and became negative and started ruining my life and almost acting out like a rebellious teenage would but without knowing why or feeling anything

 

[ladee]

Was there something that happened during that time that really upset you?

Possibly something was 'triggered' for you that brought up memories or feelings you had buried or forgot about?

It happens. We can be going on with life and it's like a switch was thrown and we have no idea why.

Possibly if you give this some thought some of this will start to make sense to you.

Hope we can support you as you walk this journey.

 

[saraemerald]

Was there something that happened during that time that really upset you?
Possibly something was 'trigger...

Thank you.

I think this is what happened. I had learned to be as positive as I could despite abuse, school bullies, hypocrisy in the religion I was once part of, financial crap, life, etc. And I was a happy person because of it. I had the religion, work and life all down pat. But I was 26 and STILL single.

As a Jehovah's Witness, you are slowed to date and marry someone in the religion and your dates are chaperones and I just never tell in love or had reciprocated feelings for anyone that was interested in me.

I WAS in love with someone (for 3 wasted years) but he didn't like me back. So I was "being positive" again and "waiting on God". And I had tried so hard "to serve God" and I had been faithful for so many years and was "spiritually strong" according to the religion. And I had totally believed the Jehovah's Witnesses were the only true religion. So there was no option for me to leave the religion. So all I could do was patiently wait on God.

And mentally, that's what I intended on doing. Remain faithful and continue to serve God and wait for Armageddon which according to them is "right around the corner". My "friends" around me were all dating or getting married and I was not so I figured God must think I still have things to work on. I believed that since I came from the family I did and experienced crazy abuse, that I had to work on myself so that I wouldn't be dysfunctional myself and spread that to my kids.

So at this point, I think subconsciously, I felt that it seemed so unfair that God was blessing my friends around me and they had not gone through as much as I had and some of them were shallow and not even true friends. So it seemed like I had to work harder at life to get "blessed by God" if that makes sense.

And since I came from the dysfunctional family, I never felt like good marrrige material. Jehovah's Witnesses are encouraged to marry other Jehovah's Witnesses that come from good, spiritually strong families.

 

[saraemerald]

Thank you.
I think this is what happened. I had learned to be as positive as I could despite abuse...

Sorry about the obvious autocorrect intervention on my post. Lol
Gotta love autocorrect!

 

[ladee]

Just so that i am clear...you basically rebeled against the religion??

And you are asking us if we were trying our best to live a 'normal' and something snapped and you went the other direction?

Just making sure I am clear on What you are asking.

Did any of us do the same thing?

Do you recall a particular incident or situation that flipped the switch for you?

Thank you for answering and being patient with my questions.

 

[saraemerald]

Just so that i am clear...you basically rebeled against the religion??
And you are asking us if we were t...

I did not rebel against the religion and never intended to.

I was sick and tired of mentally learning to be positive no matter what I go through and I went through a heck of a lot. And I had to mentally learn how to be positive and strong to get through stuff and to be prepared, according to the religion, to be prepared for possible harsh persecution from people against the religion.

I learned how to be happy, content and positive and strong no matter what and I had witnessed enough and been through enough in and outside the religion and continued to put faith in God.

But I suppose something was missing.

People were nice in the religion but it was always about getting together and volunteering for the religion. And we were not allowed to have friends outside the religion. They would only be friendly to people outside to try to preach to them and get them to eventually join.

 

[saraemerald]

I thought it was because I was part of the religion that I was able to be strong despite having PTSD and coming from an extremely weird and dysfunctional family.

So if you remain a faithful Jehovah's Witness with strong faith in God, he will give you strength to endure hardships and the stronger you are, the more hardships you will be able to endure.

 

[saraemerald]

I personally didn't quite appreciate the added hardship of singleness, which according to Watchtower publications, "singleness is a gift". Bullsh#t!!!

I knew how to put up with all this bullsh#t but I was tired of "being strong enough" to put up with bullsh#t. Does this make any sense?

I am trying to explain to the best of my ability.

Like, don't you ever get tired of being a nice person despite a bunch of B.S. from others?

 

[Ronin]

But when I reached 26, I suddenly changed overnight

It sometimes 'just' happens, though?

I mean, that 'positive' mask you've been wearing for so long had to crack somewhen. Twenty six just happened to be that 'when', along with new responsibilities added & alienation from your peers. I wouldn't necessarily look into special relevance of that age, you may figure it with time, as much as look at the change it's sparked since then, to make sense out of it.

 

[ladee]

I was a JW for many years. So believe me When I say I understand. I was in my mid twenties, like you, and REQUESTED a disfellowship!. Talk about rockin' a KH!!

We will have to personal message and swap stories.

I wanted to LIVE my life as ARMAGEDDON hadn't happened yet.

I'm sure we both have very similar experiences .

And ya know what....the things I have learned about God and faith...well. I feel very safe and am deeply spiritual. Had nothing to do with that or any other religion.

I am 66 years old and have never once regretted my choice. Very glad you are here.

My personal disclaimer here is that religion does not work for me. Any one of any faith, I have no judgement or opinion about others choices. I am in no way putting that religion down. I am saying it was not the one for me.

Thank you for sharing and you shared very clearly and from your heart.

Look forward to having conversations with you.

Many here have been confused by religion. So hope you get a lot of support for your PTSD healing journey. You are not alone!. Gentle hugs if you accept.

This is a very caring and supportive community with compassion and understanding for what brought you here.

Hope to see you around.

 

[saraemerald]

I was a JW for many years. So believe me When I say I understand. I was in my mid twenties, like you, and...

Thank you @ladee
It has been an interesting and rough road for me and such a looong story. Hugs back.

 

[saraemerald]

Thank you @ladee
It has been an interesting and rough road for me and such a lo...

I would love to talk to you