Hi Gaining clarity, I am new to the forum but not new to your description of your experience. I wish there was an easy answer but I have yet to find it :( who knew a brain was capable of being so messed up! Despite being a nurse and thinking I had a good understanding of mental illness, it wasn't until I had my break down that I can now say, holy crap! , I had no idea...anyways, it has been 4 long years and I guess I am a survivor. What you are experiencing is very scary and is traumatizing in itself which compounds PTSD. Learning to self soothe is key and is a rough slog to endure but I think I can say now, I am having longer stretches in between the crippling anxiety. I did not realize I breathed incorrectly :) one day, I noticed I was a chest breather rather than breathing from the diaphragm. It is impossible to get a deep breath in, any other way. Becoming mindful of how you are breathing will help immensely but requires practice. I am to the point where taking deep breathes is a part of me. The other thing that helps is getting out of your head. ..another easier said than done situation but with perseverance, it is possible. I do what ever it takes. ..stuff like singing out loud (when I am alone) or acknowledging the thought, looking at where it is coming from and then reminding myself, I am no longer in that situation. Sounds silly but I tell myself often, 'you're doing great, Stace' often telling the wounded 'me', 'I might not have been able to control the abuse then but this is now' I even go as far as calling myself 'the Stacinator' because if I can manage to put things in perspective, at 54, I am completely self sufficient and the only people I want in my life are people who like me for me. ..no more being a punching bag including unhealthy family relationships.
I still struggle daily, I still get very overwhelmed and exhausted and my self esteem is incredibly fragile despite my successes. The difference now is I know those feelings are temporary, they come from unhealed past trauma and if I focus on breathing and investigating the emotions, so I can put them to rest helps. I am starting to notice what used to be a trigger is no longer. I also realize I have more healing to do. ..it's an endurance test for sure. ..one that is poorly understood. There is a enormous lack of understanding and compassion from the people you thought were there for you. ..in my experience, I have yet to experience it for myself. ..guess that's why I am here. Remember you are not alone and you can heal xo
