Relationship Being Dumped.....

[Wastinglight]

...even though I gave the relationship everything I had, and am still prepared to try, if only he would change his mind.

But he won't. He told me that he feels uncomfortable in his own home with me there (because me moving made him feel trapped - he is afraid of commitment). He just wants me out of the house as soon as possible. Every time I try to talk to him about what's happened, he just breaks down and cries and cries. But he won't change his mind.

He says:
I can't give you what you want
I'm not cut out to be in a relationship
You deserve better
etc etc

Well, doesn't that sound familiar. I've only seen these exact phrases about a billion times on this forum before - although never out of his mouth, until this week. I have challenged these statements, but he can't see his way clear to even consider the possible of staying together. He wants his house to himself again. I still haven't had a chance to tell him that, if there's any doubt in his mind, that he will need to speak up and at least start a discussion with me, before I move out. I can't guarantee I will want to speak to him at all after I move out. He avoids me as much as possible. I have arranged to go out to a movie with a friend tonight. He will be in bed by the time I get home, so I won't have the opportunity to talk to him today.

I overheard him on the phone to his dad last night, and it sounds like his dad is pushing him to kick me out asap. This hurts so much - I used to be quite close to his dad - he used to be my mentor, he taught me how to shoot. To know that he wants me out of his son's life (even though he knows what his son is like) is very upsetting.

I am so angry. It's a good thing that I will not be home this evening, because I know I will end up spewing out all my vitriol at him (even though it's all true) if I do.

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm sorry @Wastinglight . :( You have a right to be hurt & angry.

 

[Peach]

I hate this for you. I'm so, so sorry this is happening. I'm surprised you're still able to write as you are...I don't think I'd be able to function at all for quite some time.

There's no advice, unfortunately. Only time will help you, one way or another. *hugs*

 

[Wastinglight]

I'm surprised you're still able to write as you are...I don't think I'd be able to function at all for quite some time.

You should have seen me the night he broke up with me. It was a truly pathetic display of desperation and despair, and I had several panic attacks throughout the course of the evening (and so did he). Yes, I'll admit it, I begged him to change his mind. No dignity here! Ugh! :oops:

But when someone rejects you as completely as he has done, then what choice do I have? I knew the whole time that this relationship was a long shot. Perhaps in 6 months' time I will be able to look back and say that breaking up was the best thing that ever happened to me. Well... maybe 6 years' time.

 

[Irishdancer419]

I also recent broke up with my vet BF with PTSD. It hurts. You try hard but sometimes there is nothing you can do. PTSD kills people on the inside. Some people get better some don't. He avoided me, it was all about his needs. As a woman, I'm over taking 100% of the responsibly of making a relationship work. Time always helps, although not comforting in the moment. You are worth love. Suffering is just a stepping stone to growth. Best wishes from another suffer.

 

[Wastinglight]

I also recent broke up with my vet BF with PTSD. It hurts. You try hard but sometimes there is no...

Indeed. Thank you for your kind words. I am having a lot of difficulty keeping my sh*t together right now. Periodically bursting into tears whilst at work is never a good look. But there is nothing that can be done when he doesn't want to try anymore, and will most likely never want to try again.

 

[Irishdancer419]

Yeah, break ups are really tough. I just spend an hour crying and listening to Simon and Garfunkel. We just have emotions. Rejection is terrible. I have lost it at work too and had to go home. It's embarrassing. Your not the only one!!! I thought about calling in sick tomorrow but I don't want to be alone in my head all day. Don't beat yourself up (I'm saying this to myself too!) it's good to have objective folks to reach out to who understand. I feel like a burden to friends and family, but not here. Hugs!

 

[Sighs]

When my vet broke up with me the HR manager at work ended up taking me to a coffee shop and sitting with me in a dark booth up the back while I sobbed and sniveled. She'd been dumped a few months earlier and wasn't really over it herself so she was lovely to me.

Hugs @Wastinglight !

 

[Wastinglight]

Yeah, break ups are really tough. I just spend an hour crying and listening to Simon and Garfunke...

Yes, this forum is a godsend. I am forever grateful that my girlfriends have all rallied around me and been incredibly kind and supportive. None of them ever met my guy, so they are entirely focused on my wellbeing. I'm going out for a drink with one of them after work, even though I don't feel like it. What I really feel like doing is going home and talking at him some more, in the hope that somehow he will change his mind. But no. I won't do that, because that's pathetic, and I don't believe he will change his mind. Not while I'm still living in his house, anyway. No, right now, he needs space and lots of it. Probably forever, where I'm concerned.

In the past when I've had a relationship break up, I have always withdrawn and not told anyone of my grief, and consequently my pain has been 1000 times worse because I've not sought support from anyone. My friends are super-awesome at post-break-up support, so thank god for small mercies. I haven't told my parents yet, because I already know what they will say, and I'm not ready to hear it yet. I suspect everyone will be happy about this break-up but me. I don't blame my family and friends for thinking I am better off without him - they have seen the pain and torment I have been through, the whole way through the relationship, and they are probably right anyway. I'm not ready to admit that quite yet though.

 

[Wastinglight]

When my vet broke up with me the HR manager at work ended up taking me to a coffee shop and sitting with me in a dark booth up the back while I sobbed and sniveled. She'd been dumped a few months earlier and wasn't really over it herself so she was lovely to me.

Hugs @Wastinglight !

Thanks @Sighs. I didn't realise your vet had ever actually broken up with you for real. How long before he came round? (I totally shouldn't be asking that, because it will only give me false hope that my guy will come around too!)

 

[Sighs]

He came around pretty quickly. Within about 48 hours. We were long distance at that time, but I was due to move interstate to be with him in about 10 days time. I'd quit my job and all my stuff was in boxes and plans had been made for my teenage daughter to stay with my parents. And then he misunderstood my motives in doing something and decided he didn't want to be with me anymore. Yeah. I know how hollow you feel right now.

 

[Wastinglight]

He came around pretty quickly. Within about 48 hours. We were long distance at that time, but I was due...

Oh, okay. That would have been a pretty stressful 48 hours for you though! It's almost 48 hours for me right now. But in my case, I think this has been slowly creeping up on him for the past few months, since I gave up my unit and moved in with him. And now, with the stress of DVA pushing him to go back to work, I think he honestly believes he does not have the capacity to be in a relationship and do anything else at the same time. It rips my heart out to know that he doesn't see my presence as being in any way supportive or helpful - rather, I am a hindrance. On top on of all that, our discussions about marriage and commitment have just freaked him the f**k out. I don't think we can come back from it - not while he has the stress of work possibly on the horizon.

But, sometime in the next 12 months, I am expecting a random "Hey" message from him, out of nowhere. Probably when I've almost gotten over him. This guy is the epitome of an emotionally unavailable man. And if there's one thing I know about emotionally unavailable men - they can't commit to you, but they usually can't let go of you either. If we part ways and I don't hear from him ever again, then good for him. It will mean that he's a lot healthier than I think he is.

So I did send a message to his sister. But instead of asking for her advice, it was a goodbye message. Even though we've never met (she lives interstate), she has always been kind to me and sent me gifts every birthday and Christmas. When I moved in with my guy, she welcomed me as a sister-in-law. I felt it would be rude not to at least say goodbye. It's possible he will be angry with me for contacting her, but I have independently been Facebook friends with her for some time now, and we chat from time to time. She replied to me a short time later. It was very polite and she wished me all the best. It felt a little impersonal though. I guess I had secretly been holding out for a glimmer of hope to hold on to, in her reply, but she will only have heard the highlights reel of everything that he thought was wrong with our relationship, so she probably thinks it's for the best. At this point, I think I am the only one who doesn't think it's for the best! I don't like those odds!

Last night he mentioned that one of the reasons he was breaking up with me was all the "little annoying things" that I did that pissed him off. Even though every time he mentioned I was annoying him, I tried to resolve the issue (including changing my behaviour if I felt it was reasonable to do so). I mean, seriously dude, really? If he really is breaking up with me because I annoyed him sometimes, then he does NOT deserve to be in a relationship with me anyway. And he has a loooong way to go before he will be able to participate fully in a relationship.