Being Honest About Triggers

[LikeCharlotte]

First I would like to say that I read often but I have not posted here in the forum.

I have a question about dealing with triggers and honesty. I have been living with cptsd for so long that I have predictable behaviors. I lie about being triggered. I hide from my discomfort and thus hide it from others. This is how I have survived and also how I have managed to be stuck in my healing.

I recently was triggered in an intimate situation with my bf and my immediate reaction was to make an excuse to get away from him. He didn't back away and questioned me and I lost it. It took several hours for me to calm down and admit the extent to which I had been triggered and that I just wanted out of the situation.

I accused him of trying to pressure me and make me feel guilty and none of these things were happening. I was somewhere else and angry at someone else. I know that. I knew it at the time - sort of. I feel awful. I want to be in a place where I can simply say "I am having a bad reaction. I need some space." but I am afraid that that can never be. I don't even want to admit it to myself when I am triggered. I just want it over as fast as possible. In the past making an excuse and getting away was coping. I want to be honest and I know I can never have any kind of relationship if I do not learn new coping skills. How can I stop or slow down my reaction long enough to be honest? I hate the idea of telling someone I love that when they touch me it hurts or feels bad. I hate that it ever does.

I try so hard to be healthy enough to be in a relationship but I have never been able to. I have a chance this time. My bf is very understanding and I know I can be honest. Is there anything I can do? I don't want to hurt him and I do not always want to tell - I just cannot yet.

 

[Tiger Kitten]

Perhaps a code word? I used to lie and hide my reactions to everything. Now if I just say one word to the people who are close to me they know to back away slowly and wait until I can talk about it. I find it much easier to explain when I am not having a reaction. It makes me more comfortable in dealing with people to explain when I am calm and in a peaceful situation. Yes, talking about my reactions sometimes causes a reaction, but it's better then lashing out at whoever I am with. It's not always possible to mask a reaction at least for me.

I have always hid anything that bothers me, but I am learning to be more open about my reactions and why I am having them. It's a slow process for me. Sometimes I still react before I can manage to get my code word out, but I am making a lot of progress with it. Not sure if that will be any use to you or not, just thought I would relate what I do.

Tiger

Tiger

 

[LikeCharlotte]

Tiger that is a very good idea. I have no idea if I will be able to do it before I react but it is worth a try. I sometimes react before I even know why. Thank you.
I welcome any other ideas...

 

[suzie q]

Having a relationship is hard work. It takes patience, wisdom, and most of all, truth.

When I have symptoms from PTSD, I feel as if no one understands. I tend to over-react and allow my emotions to take over instead of my ability to communicate. When I do that, I am pushing away anyone in my path. Sometimes I really am not educated enough on my condition to tell someone whats happening.

That was my first hurdle in relating my situation to my husband about what caused me to freak and run. After I spent time in therapy working on how I understood myself and the trauma causing those feelings, I became more comfortable with spending time explaining. In the beginning all I could get out was "stop, I'm freakin!" He took that as something he was doing and the situation became a mess.

I learned to sit down with him when I was in a good and safe place and explain the things I understood and how they caused me to react. For instance, people, especially men, jingling change in their pocket puts me in instant panic. Still don't know why, but all I tell him is stop, trigger...he stops and doesn't take it personal cause I have told him of that problem. Doesn't mean he won't on down the road, but we are at least on the same page.

Start with some of the things that don't bring up long involved stories and tell him about how you feel when they occur. Let him know that if you do panic and run to give you space so that you can feel safe again. Let him know that he should tell you out loud that you are safe and you are (where?) the house the street, etc...

Start off slow so that he has time to understand his part and how he can help you. Never tell him, "I don't know", you figure that out and tell him what you need. Remember, you have to have a relationship with yourself first. Then you can tell others what you need.

Best wishes...
suzie q

 

[Tiger Kitten]

I still react before I know why on occasions or something sneaks up on me. It's not a perfect solution by any means, but the more one knows about the partner's problems the easier it is for them to mind read a bit and understand the reactions even without a warning. As long as you are working on communicating what you need, then it should give him a little basis for understanding your reactions when you cannot warn him.

If you don't know why you are reacting the way you are, explain that as well. Let him know what he can do to help you. If it's back off and give you space, tell him. No offense to any males that are reading this but guys are sometimes very oblivious to any subtle hints. You kinda have to spell things out for them. If you need to be left alone... you have to say something along the lines of "I need you to go out of the room and do not talk to me or try to discuss things with me until I make the first move." Otherwise they will try to help by doing something.

 

[catjudo]

Yeah, when we get upset guys tend to want to try to fix things. Some things are just not things they can fix. At a time when you're doing well, you need to be able to discuss with him that when these things happen you need him to do "x"...whatever it is that's going to help you feel most comfortable and be able to calm down the most quickly. Assure him that it's not him and that when you're feeling stronger after an incident you'll do your best to explain to him what happened so that he understands and in the future can perhaps avoid doing/saying whatever it was that triggered you in the first place.

 

[LikeCharlotte]

Start with some of the things that don't bring up long involved stories and tell him about how you feel when they occur. Let him know that if you do panic and run to give you space so that you can feel safe again. Let him know that he should tell you out loud that you are safe and you are (where?) the house the street, etc...

I tend to over explain and drag it out. It is probably a good idea to get grounded by hearing where I am and that I am safe. I will ask. =) Thank you!

 

[shiraz]

I have a similar problem, in that I freeze when I am triggered and then I cannot think ' Oh, I am triggered '. The freeze also brings on an inability to communicate - a real catch 22 when all you need to do is know you are triggered and communicate such!

My man knows this about me, it has been some years now, and he generally picks up on it before I do and will say ... are you freaking? I just nod and then we follows some protocol we have in place when this happens. He generally asks if I need space or if he can hold me and I decide about how vulnerable I feel and how much contact I can cope with in the moment.

Don't give up on relationships. When you find the right partner you will have a person who can support you and help you heal through it. It is worth it. The right partner will stick with you for the right reasons. Unfortunately, some traumas can only be repaired in relationship as the trauma occurred in relationship .... another catch 22.

My relationship triggers me all the time and this gives me opportunity to heal - it is tough, but worth every ounce of pain. healing comes through pain sometimes. When you are triggered, work through the emotions of the flashback in order to heal them. I have a very good flashback guide on my blog by pete walker. Sometimes my partner will help by reading it to me - it really brings me down quickly.

I hope you find a way through this, I really feel your pain too .... I have been there.

((hugs))