Being Stuck As Younger Version Of Myself

[theshadowoftheliving]

Okay, had a really scary day today. I was walking to work (which I do all the time) and stopped to do an errand. Sales person was quippy at me and it made me upset - a usual trigger, but one that I can usually deal with pretty easily with self-talk. In anycase. Left the store and kept walking, but I felt so dissociated and like a younger version of myself. Kept almost wandering into traffic. Stopped to use the restroom somewhere and curled up in one of the stalls and could hardly pull myself back out. Ended up calling out of work somehow, and managed to get myself home, fighting the urge to just stop wherever I was on the side of the road and curl into a completely dissociated ball.

This has never happened to me before. Dissociation, yes. All the time. But it's always just losing track of time and place. I've always been acutely aware that I am myself at my current age. But this felt like I was somewhere between six and nine years old, when the original trauma happened. I spent the entire day curled in my bed and feeling so tiny and young. Another piece of the past came back to me. And I couldnt, for the life of me, pull myself out. I must have stayed there for close to five hours.

I'm panicked. I'm meeting with a new therapist, but not for another two weeks. I can't fall apart between now and then. And I can't do this sort of scary thing again - I was really nervous that I was going to get hit by a car or lose myself in a dissociative trance someplace and then god-knows what could have happened.

How do I deal with this? How do I stop this sort of thing from happening again, and how do I keep myself safe? I'm so panicked over this and I have no idea what I should do about it.

 

[WillyKat]

I'm really sorry you're dealing with this. I can understand why its scary.

For most of my life, I sort of felt this way, like even people that were smaller than me somehow seemed bigger and more powerful.

I *think* what may be going on is that you're sending yourself a message: a very powerful one that informs you of how vulnerable you were when you were young, how scared, and how small you were. My suggestion, and I'm in no way an expert on this, is to give yourself some self love: allow your older, wiser, stronger, and less afraid self comfort your small self. Give her a hug and tell her she's safe now, that you'll take care of her.

I know you're scared and it seems really really strange, but I think others on the forum can relate. It's a flashback of sorts, but I think its one that tells you something useful, or at least something you can use to help heal.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

Apologies if there is a thread somewhere with this info in it. I spent some time looking but couldn't quite find one .... And my brain is somewhat scrambled today. Feel free to direct me to a past thread if that works better.

 

[joeylittle]

How do I deal with this? How do I stop this sort of thing from happening again, and how do I keep myself safe?

You said that you can usually handle triggery things with self-talk, yes? In this case did you actually take the time to do it?

My best advice would be to be really tuned in to things that push your buttons, and be diligent about processing them for yourself in the moment. You know you can handle these situations - it will be better to think of this one as a one-off than as a new trend. Just make sure you take the time to re-ground and get present after any stressors/triggers.

(I don't mean to make it sound easy, but I know for myself that just when I've gotten pretty sure I can deal with things is the most dangerous time for me, because I slack off a little about dealing with them).

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

Usually, yes. But this time the switch (and I hesitate to use that word, as I don't think I'm DID) happened so fast that it took me a while and a few near-misses with cars to understand that something was wrong. And by that time, I felt so so so incapacitated that all I could think about was getting myself home - kept thinking that if I was going to lose it, I needed to lose it at home where I couldn't get hurt.

So at least I managed to get myself home?

I guess I need to be more careful of thing that might upset me.

 

[seedling]

Yes, you did get home, you did manage to call off work, and you got yourself to a safe place to have that time to curl up.
Try not to think about what "might" happen if.....
It's easy to project the worst in to the future.

You are also taking care of yourself by posting here and getting suggestions. Sorry that happened!

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

Yeah, I'm trying not to overreact. But I'm definitely scared. For years, everything was fine. I thought that I was cured. Then boom, a few stressful things in this new year, and I'm wandering around in worse shape than I've ever been in. It's a fine line between not panicking and over reacting and not minimizing warning signs I should be paying attention to.

I'm working on getting more grounded. I'm working on recognizing triggers again and trying to circumvent them or deal with them more positively. This threw me because, while someone being mean is definitely a trigger, I wouldn't have even, in the moment, though that I were being triggered. I deal with rude people ALLLL the time, as we all do, and I remain stable and normal. ('Normal'). But not this time, for whatever reason. And I'm so so scared that it will happen again, or happen worse, and I want a magical and miraculous answer on how to prevent that.

Sorry if this is coming across as venting and self pity. That's not the intent at all. I'm just terrified and unsure right now and don't know what to do.

 

[seedling]

I want a magical and miraculous answer

Tell me what it is when you find it!
Maybe the answer is the hard work you're doing to figure out stuff like this.

It's not self pity, it's good to want to protect yourself from it happening again. Maybe it's a certain specific kind of meanness now, from a certain type of person (looks, voice, etc). Or the physical location/position you were in at the time.

Hang in there.

 

[Friday]

It's not coming off as self pity... It's a new facet... And those are scary as f*ck until you get a handle on them.

Which you will.

The first time something happens? It's always the worst. First panic attack, first time you realize you've spaced some serious time. First time you lose control.

As another retread... Even though it's crazy frustrating, because I couldn't even remember what I usually do I was in such a damn fog (what works, what works what works?!?)... A gift of having been here before? You know already that you've gotten a handle on things before. You will get a handle on this as well.

It's coming at you in a new way... But that's okay. Sucky. But okay. You'll figure out the coping mechanisms for this, just like you figured out the coping mechanisms for every other facet of this damn disorder

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

Thanks guys. I'm starting to feel a little better, at least for now. Food, a cold shower, drank some water, went on a walk ….

Now I'm thinking over the events of the day and trying to figure out what *really* triggered me. And thinking on coping and grounding strategies.

But I do think that having made it through this once might make this a little harder …. at least for me. Such a discrepancy between where I was and where I am now, and its frustrating to feel like I have suddenly regressed so much. But I'll make it - what other choice do I have?

 

[shimmerz]

Such a discrepancy between where I was and where I am now, and its frustrating to feel like I have suddenly regressed so much.

I don't know that it is regression shadow. I used to do this. Just out of the blue it started, like you explained was your experience. I was so afraid of babies/toddlers crying I would run - yes, in front of cars. Scary as shit. Back to the regression thing.

The deeper we dig the more our pieces (or parts) of trauma come out. We go through one stage and then onto a deeper one where our reactions are bigger. It means you are getting somewhere. I managed the bolting in front of cars thing (for you it sounds more like wandering) by keeping as far away from roads as possible, not walking anywhere, or having someone with me when I was out. I am not certain if that is practical for you.

If you are wandering, I wonder if you are deeper into dissociation when this happens. Can you keep really hot or sour candies with you? Slices of lemon to suck on in a sandwich bag in your pocket? That should help you come back into your body....

The fact that you are recognizing what is happening is a good thing....it will allow you to apply tools in the moment.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

Thanks for the advice. Unfortunately, I'm on foot until my car comes out of the shop (I think being in a kinda severe car accident a month ago probably isn't helping things). So, I'll work on grounding, etc and try not to get hit by a car in the meantime! My only other option is to never leave my house and I'm not sure that is a good one. I've never used food in that sort of way, but the dissociation hasn't ever been dangerous before, either.

On a positive note, I managed to move my therapy appointment up, so I only have to wait one week instead of two ....