Upside Down Eagle
Diamond Member
My life this year has been a chain series of horrible things happening to me because I´m hanging on to dysfunctional mental patterns.
Life is also sending me, what feels to me, like an ultimatum, along with message. "Bend or break". Basically I feel like it´s saying that if I don´t change right now I´m destined for permanent rock bottom or death.
I know that in Zen the whole idea is to bend so you can let things flow through you, blah, blah, all that. I know that that´s the only way to survive.
Right now I´m a glass barricade in the middle of a river that´s getting stronger everyday, and I´m breaking. Literally; I broke several bones in the last months and developed crps (regional pain syndrome).
But get this.
What if I don´t want to bend.
What if I really, really don´t want to bend.
But I have to.
But I don´t want to.
My therapist and I have spoken about me having OCD. I very probably have OCD. I need to control everything, I need to get punished for everything I do wrong, the whole nice neurotic dysfunctional deal. She says maybe I should consider treatment for it but - as with everything - there´s a waiting list.
The more life pushes me to bend the more I scream and kick until I´m bleeding everywhere and on the verge of death.
It just amazes me that I´m willing to hang on to a bunch of shit for no good reason other than just feeling like I´m in control. The truth is I was never in control. If I were in control, would I be getting all these fits and breaking all my limbs?
Food for thought.
Life is also sending me, what feels to me, like an ultimatum, along with message. "Bend or break". Basically I feel like it´s saying that if I don´t change right now I´m destined for permanent rock bottom or death.
I know that in Zen the whole idea is to bend so you can let things flow through you, blah, blah, all that. I know that that´s the only way to survive.
Right now I´m a glass barricade in the middle of a river that´s getting stronger everyday, and I´m breaking. Literally; I broke several bones in the last months and developed crps (regional pain syndrome).
But get this.
What if I don´t want to bend.
What if I really, really don´t want to bend.
But I have to.
But I don´t want to.
My therapist and I have spoken about me having OCD. I very probably have OCD. I need to control everything, I need to get punished for everything I do wrong, the whole nice neurotic dysfunctional deal. She says maybe I should consider treatment for it but - as with everything - there´s a waiting list.
The more life pushes me to bend the more I scream and kick until I´m bleeding everywhere and on the verge of death.
It just amazes me that I´m willing to hang on to a bunch of shit for no good reason other than just feeling like I´m in control. The truth is I was never in control. If I were in control, would I be getting all these fits and breaking all my limbs?
Food for thought.
