Better meds out there?

[PointlessExistence]

My history is long and confusing. I have been diagnosed differently by various therapists and p-docs. I have spent many years thinking - thinking about my problems and how to get better. Thinking so much that I've realized that "thinking" is a huge symptom of my illness, if not the main cause of it.

There is a delusional aspect to this thinking, but I am now suspecting that even that is probably caused by taking my thoughts too far - taking them to the n'th degree, where I start to question everything: is there right and wrong; does anyone actually love anyone; does God exist, does he hate me, am I going to hell. The thoughts become very dark, and there is a lot of superstition and magical thinking that comes with it.

Other times my thoughts are of a more practical nature, but they are still out of control. I'm 100% focused on "getting things done", and I can't stop long enough to have any really feelings or experiences at all. I'm just being a machine. And I have no real inspiration beyond the OCD type thinking that energizes me to do things. And it seems that it this all really just my brain's way of avoiding the dark thoughts.

I have been on anti-depressants, which ended up making me feel like I was ignoring the bad stuff rather than that it had gone away. I've also been on some anti-psychotics for short periods, but due to side-effects, I always quit before feeling anything positive affects (not to say there necessarily would've been any anyway).

Now for the past few months I've been on lamotrigine. It hasn't gotten rid of the debilitating negative, abstract thinking, but it has lessened it, only to be replaced by a more forceful "getting things done" type of thinking. I am getting more done than ever, but it is only because the med has taken my racing thoughts to a whole new level.

I have come to the conclusion that I am in a sort of manic state. I don't need much food nor much sleep. I exercise religiously, again using OCD type thinking. Can I just go and workout? No. I have to plan every exercise, every rep, every calorie...everything. And I get no real satisfaction from my progress. It just gives me a faux happiness, another chance to "cross it off the list" and think I should be proud...until the next day, when it starts all over.

If anyone can relate, please tell me any meds that you've tried and if any have worked, as well as side-effects. I have a p-doc now that will prescribe just about anything I want. Some people may think that's bad and that I should find someone new. But I think a lot of others will agree that most p-docs really don't have a clue. I've been to a few. Prescriptions are handed out on a trial and error basis, with most p-docs not even scratching the surface to find out what is going on with you.

 

[Sargonnas]

I have recently been diagnosed with OCD and have been taking Diazepam, but the issue is that it makes me groggy and yet to help me sleep. So I now take a combo with Sertraline but only to have the same effect. Sometimes I stay up all night only to sleep maybe an hour the next morning before work. However I have started meditation and have found that it relaxes me more then the drugs

 

[PointlessExistence]

Thanks, Sargonnas. I won't go on benzos. They scare me. I was on Sertraline for a couple of months. It made me emotional. I felt really sentimental, a kind of happy-sad. It was nice. Then after awhile, I was left with a constant low-intensity anger. And it didn't really slow down my thinking. I was still in OCD-mode whenever I felt the slightest bit of pressure. Of course, there's always the possibility that I didn't give it long enough, but I get desperate when I don't notice results within a month or so.

 

[Sargonnas]

How bad is your OCD?

 

[PointlessExistence]

I don't know how to quantify it. There's a lot of ritual involved, but not in the blatant way it shows up in some people. I'm not washing my hands over and over or anything like that. It's smaller. It's more hidden. But it definitely stems from the same place. It's definitely a "I must do this or bad things may happen" type of thinking, even though sometimes I'm unaware that that's why I'm doing it.

And I also OCD purposely so as not to become a totally useless zombie. I use it to keep my life in order. For instance, I'll use it to shop for food. The focus I use to actually shop is a sort of ritual of getting everything on my list at the best price possible using coupons and sales days, and also consolidating trips. These things have merit and can be practical, but to me it is all a sort of game. Even though know that I need this food to stay alive, my impetus for getting the food is to do it according to a sort of ritual.

Only one of my docs diagnosed me with it. That was 15 years ago, and he put my on Lexapro. It did nothing, and by the time I returned to therapy, it was focused on way-out thinking rather than too much thinking. My illness has facets of OCD, BPD, SCZ, SZD, MDI, DD, you name it. I think a focus on the OCD and/or bi-polar aspects may be the way to go, but who knows. I've been wrong before.

 

[Sargonnas]

Well my OCD is very similar. With the shopping it is all planned out before I leave and the family no longer comes with me lol.
We have to leave at the right time and the trip should take x amount of time. If it doesn't then I start to get stressed and become very nervous as if I'm losing control. I am also a clean freak, which annoys my family to no end. I wake normally at 4.30am and start spring cleaning. Wiping down benches, cleaning the toilets, washing the windows and laundry. Then once everyone is up I vacuum and because I am the last to leave the house for work I vacuum again lol.

So I do understand how OCD can take over your life without you knowing it and all the meds I've taken that were suppose to help, well lets just say what helps is natural green herb and grown from the ground.

 

[PointlessExistence]

Yes, similar OCD, yet with cleaning it's a little different. The usual scenario is my wife cleaning and me getting stressed because she's moving things out of their usual spots. LOL

I haven't really given much thought to the herb, as its effects are temporary. I really want to get on something that stays in my system.

 

[Twilight]

Hi, I have never been diagnosed ocd, so i dont know if this is relevant at all....
BUT, there was a time in my life where i was like a machine, not feeling or enjoying anything and only living to cross things off my list for a brief sense of accomplishment, only to start all over the next day with my "to do" list. Lather, rinse, repeat. I also felt i had a pointless existence. I felt driven to accomplish a "to do" list that basically gave no meaning to my life except to say "i crossed it off the list".
What changed all that? (I had been diagnosed bipolar with all the usual crap load of meds). I got properly diagnosed not as bipolar, but as a childhood trauma victim. I had been staying super busy to aviod all the crappy feelings. But when i came out of the denial of the abuse and received proper treatment (THIS MEANS COUNSELING, NOT MEDS), I got better!!! I have PTSD, which is the correct diagnosis, and have to deal with and be treated for that...But, my life has meaning bc I am no longer running away from and denying a problem that had never been properly diagnosed or treated. I went to a trauma center to receive the proper diagnosis. Now i can enjoy life, it is not pointless for me anymore. There are challenges, but also help, treatment and support. My life is awesome now in comparison to what it was. I am off all the crap load of meds that were ruining my health and making everything worse. (This is not to say all meds are bad. They were just wrong for my problem).

Is there a chance you have trauma in your past that no one has ever looked at or identified? Are you running away from your feelings so you dont have to feel them at all? I would try counseling regardless of your diagnosis to see why you stay so busy that you dont have to FEEL anything.

Dont know if this is helpful to you, but i saw some of myself in your post.

 

[Twilight]

Also, i identify with all the over-thinking. Staying in my thoughts helped me avoid feelings, too.

So thinking all the time and staying perpetually driven and busy were two subconscious things i was doing to keep the memories and feelings of the abuse at bay and out of my conscious mind.

What a relief to come out of the denial (with the help of getting diagnosed) and start living again.

 

[PointlessExistence]

Thanks for the reply, Overcomer. I'm sorry it has taken me so long to acknowledge it. I had updated things so that I'd get an email whenever there was a reply, but that didn't work, so I am just seeing your posts now.

There definitely is trauma. And every now and then I dream and uncover more trauma. I have done the psychotherapy thing, and I really don't get anywhere. I have several personalities, so I never know who's going to show up for the counseling. And even when the right me shows up, and even when that me is able to really feel that pain and that fear and cry and realize that "it's not my fault", etc., I walk out of the session no better off than before. In fact I probably end up worse, because I try to carry that "it's not my fault" feeling, and it either fades, or worse, my mind starts telling me it's bullshit. My mind starts saying "You know that's not true. You know it's all your fault."

Though I've been on various meds, those times are really just the gaps in therapy and occasionally an augmentation. I have been on the meds search lately because of two things:

(1) Once in a while everything just slows down, and all the monsters turn back into windmills, and I am fully functional. That happens maybe twice a year, for less than a day each time. I can't say what exactly sets it into motion, so I hope that meds can find it.

(2) One p-doc at a cheap-clinic said he knew I was bi-polar within five minutes. Everything I threw at him, he pointed to bipolar. I said "trauma", he said "You've never been able to process the trauma because of a chemical imbalance." He was either a mad man or a genius.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I have come to the conclusion that I am in a sort of manic state.

Seriquel XR (extended release) has been my godsend. It is made for bipolar so it effect of bring highs lower and bringing lows higher. It evens out emotions and make them less of super high/super low roller coaster. I don't have bipolar but rather BPD but BPD does that. If you are feeling manic that may be your best choice.

I would say, however, that you need to be SUPER patient with it and if not for the help of the forum I would have flushed it early in. I started at 50mg, the lowest mg, and every month or so titrated up 50mg at a time. It wasn't until I hit 200mg where I stopped did I really feel the benefit. So it was 4 months before I really felt the benefits. So you have to be patient with any drug.

I will say I have been on about 10 anti-depressant and none worked. The only other med that helped was Xanax, which will likely calm a manic state but its a benzo, its addicting, and not the best use for manic states in my opinion.

 

[PointlessExistence]

Thank you, Lost. I am going to read all I can about Seroquel. Having a member's perspective puts it in perspective for me. I peruse the web all the time, reading this and that, but being able to give my bio and then get a reply speaks much more directly to me, so thank you.

I am so impatient with meds. It seems to be just another symptom of my illness. I actually have more anxiety when I think a med may be working than when I think it isn't. Going on a new med is just another rollercoaster ride of overthinking. There's that promise (or at least the hope) of tranquility and happiness, yet there's the whole litany of debilitating personal mind games that crop up when I'm trying something new.