Beyond PTSD Introductions - Who Are You?

[wattle]

This is difficult, I don't like letting people know me, I'm a 48 and live in Queensland, Australia, originally from England, moved here when I was kid with my family. I've been married to my hubby for 28 years, we have 1 daughter and 3 sons, all adults.
I live on a hobby farm, we have 11 cattle, chooks, a horse and her foal, an elderly cattle dog and a black cat that I've been minding for my daughter for the past 5 years, her man is allergic to pussy cats, so Moses came to stay with me. Oh I also have a fish tank....for some unknown reason I manage to let the poor fish die regularly, I'm a shocker at trying to keep the little things alive.
I love gardening, don't do it as much as I used to though, my comfort zone is inside the house, not out in the garden. I also like painting, not very good but it does please me. I'm an avid reader, I used to love reading newspapers from cover to cover, now I'm addicted to internet news instead. My 2 great hobbies at the moment are competitions that I enter over the internet...I've won lots of things, so I think I'm kind of good at it. The other is one shared with my hubby, we play an online role play game together called Final Fantasy XI, it may be only a game but to hubby and I it's quality time together.
Who am I though...I'm a cook and a Mum, I used to not get enough of children and would borrow other peoples and nurture them as well as my own. The cook bit, well I always wanted to be a cook, even as a kid, my Grandmother taught me many things while she was teaching me cooking basics at her kitchen table. I've found over the years that when I'm teaching young people to cook that they'll confide and listen over a kitchen table...my Grandmothers legacy to me. I was a chef and ran my own restuarant kitchen, haven't done that for about 3 years because of the PTSD.

 

[A-RON]

I'm Aaron, and I'm in my upper-late twenties. I live in a van in Southern Oregon. I've never thought of myself as the type to live in a van, but a few months ago, I started to really feel like I needed to move on, literally. I previously rented a country farmhouse with some friends in Southern Oregon and we lived on 300 acres with mountains, fields, and the river across the highway. It was beautiful. Before that, I lived in Seattle for about seven years and I went to school at the Art Institute of Seattle for a little over a year. But I grew up in Oregon. For work... well, I just work at a paint store. I'm overqualified for my job (despite the fact that I'm about to get fired), and yet, all those qualifications developed while working for (and being promoted by) my abuser/exploiter. I like art, I like thinking, and I like geometry. I love ideas. Especially big ideas... Philosophical and creative ideas, and principles. I like to BS in coffee shops or bars, but I prefer quiet settings. I enjoy the company of good friends, but I'm completely satisfied being alone. Well, mostly. And I don't consider myself to be anti-social, but I'm kind of a geek, minus the Mac and the IT job. So you've probably guessed by now that I'm also single, but I don't think I'm quite as pathetic as I'm describing myself to be. I could be married with kids right now, but I walked out of the relationship because I felt pressured. It's a regret that has developed since the time that I started having PTSD, and I kind of feel like everything that happened to me was bad Karma for walking out on this girl without ever saying another word. Of course, it's not my fault I later met a previously abused, sociopathic, former gay male prostitute that became obsessed with me, stole my identity, put video cameras up in my house, molested me in my sleep, framed me, blackmailed me, threatened me, possibly tried to suffocate me once (not sure his intention), and then when it all hits me, he took a bunch of money and fled the country, never to be found.

I started writing a screenplay immediately after it all happened, but I had no experience at scriptwriting. After pages and pages and three years under my belt, I think I could now grasp the elements needed to write a really good story, but it would still require a lot of work, and I'm already too overwhelmed just trying to manage the small things in my life. I don't even want to commit to writing it "someday". Whatever happens happens. Who knows, maybe it's not even a compelling story.

Also, I'm the youngest of nine. I'm Catholic, and although I RARELY go to church, I don't personally have issues with the Catholic faith. I'm also really smart, but I've never successfully proven it to society except through test scores. I literally and entirely guessed on the whole SAT test in high school from start to finish, and still pulled off 1,000. My IQ has consistently been 133 from year to year since middle school. I've always had horrible grades, and I've always had a tough time succeeding, despite previously being a "perfect child" that was highly disciplined, obedient, and was going to "make a name for our family". I think my emotional intelligence might be a bit lower than I previously had thought. I like to think of myself as a right-brainer, but it's hard for me to grasp conceptually since I have a lot of fears. Right-brainers aren't supposed to have fears, are they? Also, I discovered 6-point perspective when I was 18 years old, and I was so dang proud, but then I found out that two other guys (one being MC Escher, the other Dick Termes) had already figured it out years ago, plus whoever might have learned it from them. It has been a ten-year-long dream of mine to paint oversized concave domes in 6-point perspective and have the work displayed and sold in galleries or museums. Recently, though, I finally caved in and verbalized my defeat and gave up painting. It's not like it really changed anything since I can't exactly paint inside my van anyways, but it sure is relieving to let things go sometimes. I don't even want to think about the possibility of getting back into painting.

Okay, I'm pooped. Great posts, by the way. Nice to meet you all.

Aaron

 

[Irton Pike]

update. I am a massive fan of the New Model Army. I am a member of a running club. I am a chemist/materials scientist. I like to think I am a helpful caring sort of bloke when i am not disappearing up my own backside under the grip of the symptoms. I like a glass of malt whiskey and a cigar. I love my dogs, who are stinky and foul. i want to keep chickens.i like to paint.

 

[AthenaErdmann]

This is an awesome thread - I hope we can resurrect it.

The question in the thread title is a tough one, though, especially if taken too literally. I obviously don't want to reveal my real name - that's why I chose a pseudonym username in the first place. So who am I, if one peels away the everyday, obvious identifiers (mother of X and Y, wife of Z, student at school A, professional in areas B, C, and D..., born there, raised somewhere else...)?

Also, I do not want to repeat what all members can read on my user profile (at least I hope you can?!). Then what should / could I say?

I am a dreamer, a reader, a listener, a thinker, a babbler, a survivor, a trouble-maker of sorts, too. Someone who - thus far - never gave up, but always fought back with what little "ammunition" was available. Proud of that, too. I'm also a messed up person, despite of over six years of therapy in all. So I'm in therapy again, which I see as a good and brave thing, though of course it seldom is really fun.

I am happy beyond words that I have the husband I have, and that we have two mostly healthy kids. The previous therapy, in the early-to-mid 1990ies helped me kick my abusive relationship habit, and boy did that ever improve my life! Now I am working primarily on how to survive my mom's old age. She isn't exactly getting easier to interact with, even though I keep our contact to a minimum. But we still own some stuff together, and realities cannot be denied. My dad killed himself in the early 1980ies, and my hubby has said that that was the only decent thing my dad ever did. I disagree, but only a little.

I love animals, especially dogs, but am too allergic to have a (furry) pet. I'm a movie nut. I've had various Japanese martial arts as hobbies as a teenager and in my twenties, and can still write a decent tanka or haiku if I put my mind to it. I'm a multi-lingual, due to family roots pretty much all over Europe and living in different countries when growing up.

Maybe that will do for starters.

Athena

 

[James B.]

Hi, 52 years old, was homeless and in a shelter for most of 2003, mainly due to misdiagnosis and a med/shrink disaster. Currently 100% disabled w/ CPTSD and Arthritis; building a file for SSDI, and am going to file for disability soon. I was "rescued" in 1997 by a modest trust established by my folks, it takes pretty good care of me - I like living very simply anyway. I live alone in a quiet place, rural, and like a simple routine. My life is all about symptom management and pain management (arthrits).

In about ten days I have an appointment with an excellent neurosurgeon to fix my lumbar, a buldge in a disk has been giving me "gonzo sciatica" for the last year, and put me in the ER about 6 months ago. Nerve pain: "shivers", just unreal. I've got better than 95% chance to get rid of the scatica, so I am really looking forward to surgery :-)

My pain management work, last six months, has been water based; floating in 103 to 105 degree water, stretching in water. Doing hot/cold immersion, some swimming. I love it, and post surgery am adding some "land based" conditioning stuff too.

Eating healthier, I am still hypogycemic, so diet is a big deal. My medication is for anxiety, and has been a genuine help, pretty major improvement. I was med-phobic for a long time, so this is a big change for me.

Future plans? Am content with my routine, I like a little yard work, writing personal trauma-related history, my water excersise and swimming - and maybe some creative persuits, but the arthrits in may hands/wrists and knees is like that of someone in their 70's, so I'm pretty content just to chill :-)

Got to do a heck of a lot of fun outdoor stuff, but honestly, I tell people with regards to 15 years of full-time rockclimbing; "it feels like somebody else did that, not me..."

Just thankful for every crumb, every good day, every nice meal, every smile etc...the way basic things are, for me, A-OK.

 

[Jade-]

I'm 45 years old,but most of the time I feel like a little girl still.
I'm kind of a loner because i'm usually lost in my own head.
People seem to like me and want to be around me but I always feel like I'm not quite "good enough" and I fear if they're around me long they will see that too,so I limit my time with others.
I obsess about my looks,especially now that i'm getting old.I was taught that it's on the outside that counts,not the inside,if I can look good and put on a smile,all is good in the world.....so now that I have a few gray hairs and wrinkles I don't know what to do.
I'm afraid of most everything and anything.
I don't trust anybody,not even my kids or my husband(but I don't let them know that)
I have a phobia about something being slipped in my food or drinks.If my eyes aren't on what i'm gonna be ingesting at all times,I won't eat it or drink it.
I like to have fun and laugh but most of the time I forget how.
I struggle with an eating disorder.I can't stand any fat on my body at all and have to force myself to eat often.


I love to draw because it relaxes me.
I love listening to music.
I love to read.
I am very friendly when I feel safe.
I'm very loyal to those I do let in my personal bubble.
I genuinely care about others.
I love animals,especially cats.
I'm into ufo stuff.
I love popular science magazine.

 

[pebbels]

I am 52 years old, born and raised in the Waikato region in a town called Hamilton here in NewZealand. I am a mother to 3 children, 2 boys and a girl who are all adults the youngest been 19, 24 and my daughter 27 who presented to me a beautiful grandson 15 months ago. My employment is as a caregiver for disabled adults and a teamleader, i have been in these roles for the past 7 years. I LOVE animals, listening to music of all kinds, reading, gardening, dancing, singing and time with my family :) I have a place i love to go to just to unwind and get the smell of sea air whilst listening to the waves crashing called TePuru, it is a lovely beach resort along the Thames Coast, about 95 minutes away from where i live, it is sooooooo peaceful there :)

I am loyal to my friends but shit on me once there is no twice.
I am kind.
I am honest.
I procrastinate alot(lol)
I am optomistic.
I am a positive person.
I have endurance.
I am strong.
I am undiplomatic(lol)

Cheers pebs

 

[Iron_Angel]

My first response to the question "Who are you" is "Nobody". But I guess that's not true. It's just how I feel sometimes. I have a vision of myself as one thing, I have a public persona that I have to present to the world so that I can do my job, and I have my real self who is way too self-critical and so very often fearful.

But as for real details... no matter how I feel or how anyone else sees me, I am a sensitive individual whose biggest fault is that I care too much. I am an educator and a writer. Luckily those are both jobs that offer me a great deal of freedom and flexibility, which I need to manage my life when my physical and mental situation is not the best.

I am a parent -- my two sons are now 29 and 27, and have turned into really great people. To that statement I usually append "despite me" but I think perhaps I've done my job as far as helping them become caring adults, and maybe part of that is because they had to see me cope with some very difficult things. They have been a good support to me, even though I've tried very hard not to put any of my "stuff" onto them.

I love critters ... especially horses, cats, and dogs. I've trained and shown horses and dogs. The cats prefer to be left alone, lol.

I served in the Canadian Armed Forces for 10 years, with tours in the Middle East and Europe. Consequently, I've traveled quite a bit. I lived in Germany for 8 years, and my kids were both born there.Yes, I speak German, although I'm out of practice. :-)

I have family I don't interact with very much, and only a couple of friends. I keep most people at a distance because I can't stand being hurt. I do have a great man in my life right now, but his PTSD is a lot worse than mine, so we're trying to navigate having a relationship with this huge monster sitting between us.

To cope with my emotional state, I've studied laughter therapy and I am a certified laughter leader. It's great for making people feel better, but it takes a lot out of me to run a workshop so I've backed off doing a lot of that lately. I still know how to laugh for no reason, and I try to see the good side of everything.

I'm very glad to have found this site, and hope I can be of help to others as well. Hugs all around!

 

[femaleveteran]

Hello, I have been trying to figure out where I am supposed to post on this forum so that people can get to know me a little bit better and today i finally stumbled on this thread.

My name is Dawn and I have been out of the military for exactly 1 year, 1 month and 1 day.

I was in the military for 16 years and 9 months and would have done the full twenty if i had not gotten hurt on the job.

I was born and raised on the East Coast of the USA, and lived all over the East Coast growing up. My Mother and Father were pretty messed up and I bounced around between them and Foster Care until I graduated high school at 17 years old. I had a scholarship to go to college which I took for two and half years and then I decided that college was not the right place for me. I then worked and lived in Florida for about a year or so after that and then I joined the Army. I suppose it was always in the cards as I always wanted to go into the Army even when I was still in High School, but too many people kept telling me that I was "too smart" for that and I got talked into going to college instead. I think now that certain teachers, because of my background and because I was not a statistic like many kids in my home situation would have turned out to be, wanted me to go to college because they could then say how they had such a great influence on me. The fact is that I was just like any other kid, and I should not have let anyone talk me into anything I did not want to do just because it made THEM feel better. There are some advantages to being allowed to slip through the cracks, ya' know? I suppose that is what makes me so gun-shy of people at this point in my life as I never know when people want to actually know me or if they only want to know what I can do for them.

I had a good military career and really thrived on the action. I went to Airborne school right after Basic and AIT and out of the very few 18 females who started our jump school class ( about 400 soldiers altoether), only myself and one other female graduated. I then was stationed with the 82nd Airborne Division, 82nd DISCOM, 407th Forward Support Battalion (later, after 9-11, to be called the 407th Brigade Support Battalion) and I served almost all my time in that unit except for one change in duty station to Wheeler Army Airfield, 2/25th Aviation Regiment, 25th Infantry Division where I served for three years. Except for that one time, all my time was done at Ft Bragg and in the 82nd. I loved the miltary although I suppose one could say that my experiences in the military are what has me sort of messed up right now. However, I never had any problems while I was still on active duty. It was not until several months after I got out that I started having any issues. This makes me really miss the Army alot. I think alot of the time that if I was only able to still be in then I would never have developed PTSD, everything would have remained on a good course, and I would not be making such a soup of my life right now. I feel lost much of the time, confused and totally unsure of what I am supposed to do with the rest of my life. But mostly I feel incredibly lonely. The Army was my life and, so much of the time, I cannot see much of a life left without it. When I am not feeling lonely or lost, usually how I feel most of the time, I spend the rest of my time angry that I got injured, angry that I have not recovered as quickly as I think I should have and angry because I do not like the VA hospital at all. I feel like the doctors there have seen so many veterans just like me that we are no longer important. I feel like the VA looks at people like me and just sees an endless tide towards which there is no solution. I feel for the first time in my life like I am a part of everyone's problems -- the governments, the nations and even the few friends I do have. A few months ago, after living in a cocoon for a while, and being told how "grateful" everyone was for my service and all that, I tried to make some friends that were not a part of the military culture. It was the first time I had been confronted with any form of Anti-war sentiment and it really affected me. It was also a pre-cursor to me having my first real symptoms of PTSD. I will not go into details about what actually happened but I will just say that another female who was working with a non-profit group I was interested in trying to volunteer with said that I was basically on Welfare because all I did was kill, or facilitate the killing of, people for the government without question and now HER tax-payer dollars were gonig to take care of me the rest of my life. She really pushed my buttons and I never went back there again. I thought that getting out in the world would help me as I had increasingly become isolated since returning home but all it did was further me into more isolation and cause me to feel even more useless and angry. Granted I hope that attitudes like this are not common but it still is not something I want to experience any more either.

Nowadays I am on medication for PTSD which I just started about 4 months ago. I still only sleep about 2 hours out of every 36 and I have been on every sleep medication there is I think over the last few months and finally i told the doctor I would rather not sleep than to feel like a zombie without sleep. So, I play alot of online chess and spend alot of nights staring at the TV without really watching anything. Sometimes I go to the front door and I try to go out on the porch at night but after I open the door I have trouble breathing. The only times I do go out are now with the help of Clonazepam and I only get out of the house when I have to go to the VA. I remember a time in my life when it was nearly impossible to keep me in the house at all. I wish I could get back to those times. Some people have told me that PSTD is not something I will ever "get over" or be cured of. I find that very upsetting because right now the symptoms are pretty horrendous and the thought off living the rest of my life like this is almost unbearable. I also still have one more leg surgery to get through and so on top of the PTSD I still have physical problems that are difficult to deal with. Not only do I feel like my mind and soul are not my own but I feel like my body betrayed me and was not as strong as I once thought it was. I have never been one to ever be comfortable in an unfit body and used to work out and run to the point of almost obsession but now I think I must have messed up somewhere or else none of this would be happening to me. Does that line of thought even make sense to anyone??

I don't know. I hope I did not make anyone angry by being so open with what is going on with me here. I have been wanting to kind of get some of this off my chest the last couple days though and this thread seemed to be the right place.

If it was not the right place then I am sorry. You all can move this post wherever you need it to be.
Later,
dawn

 

[pdxwriter]

Well, this IS a pretty nifty thread. I think I'll add to it.

I'm Ken. I'm 43 and live near Portland, OR. I grew up in a small logging town in rural WA, served in two branches of the military, picked up a degree in History and spent over a decade managing nonprofit organizations before jumping over into writing part-time and working in local government as a reliable dayjob. I write science fiction and fantasy and have books out both in the US and abroad. My novels and short stories have picked up a lot of nice attention but the money part takes longer.

I've had C-PTSD from early childhood though it has largely been asymptomatic or at least manageable with a few significant flare-ups lasting for long stretches of years. I've been pretty diligent about recovery -- my first round of therapy focused on the intellectual understanding of my traumatic childhood, followed by a second round that focused on the emotional understanding. This newest round involves the somatic bits and a far more volatile response based, we think, on a deeper understanding of my childhood now that I'm a parent and can now see behind the curtain exactly what a parent/child bond ought to feel like. This present flare-up started just after my children were born and it's very different from the past ones. The symptoms are quite different and it's largely crippled my writing process which has been tough both emotionally and financially. It's also impacted my dayjob but I'm fortunate that my employer and my publisher are both very understanding of the situation. Resilient tenacity will eventually win the day.

I have two beautiful twin daughters that are 18 months old. My wife and I are underwater most of the time between our jobs, our daughters, my recovery and Everything Else. But we're more happy than not, I think, despite the constant stress and pressure.

I'm also a musician -- I play guitar, harmonica and sing. I do a ton of covers and have written some of my own music as well. I've found that performing does some kind of pattern-interrupt on my PTSD -- I'm assuming because it engages so many brain functions for chording, lyrics, notes, etc. So I find that to be pretty soothing. For other fun, I'm into movies, some TV, books (when I'm not too busy writing them), video games, chatting.

I'm a big fan of self-awareness and pasta. I test out as an INFJ but I'm an introvert who verbally processes and a feeler with pretty good analytical skills when the PTSD is overrunning my brain. And in the future, once the books take off and the dayjob isn't needed, I want to spend a year Down Under with my family maybe in some kind of teaching gig.

That's me in a nutshell. I welcome contact from others on the forum so shoot me a note.

 

[alixipain]

Alix Ivan Pain is my AKA. When I'm calm, I write poems, sculpt *clay/wood/metal/marble*, paint (acrylics) *cubist/pointism/abstract*. (My Icon is one of my paintings; the rose in the pic is done with ball point pins)

But that’s not what pays my bills. 12 Year journeyman Plumber (new construction/service/repair), Natural Gas pipe fitter/service technician, 14 year HVAC/R service technician. 42 years young/old (depends on my mood), married twice widowed by first wife, divorced second. Been in nearly every state in the USA, preferred the mountains of Kentucky and Tennessee. Worked in Antarctica for a plumbing company (Sub-Zero Plumbing).
Love the outdoors, would rather talk to the trees and animals than to people (they don’t judge you, unless of course they want to eat you).
I’m a teddy bear of a man, kind hearted only to those I accept as my friends, others I’d rather run from, hate rejection so much so I don’t let very many in, but on the other hand I hate being alone, it scares me. I allow even fewer to touch me for I still to the day fear being hit, yet am starved of a touch in kindness. I understand my problems with being touch deprived, and I know that it can and will lead to me being taken advantage of; thus why I allow very few to touch me. Thats what I'm proud of the most, and my accomplishments.. trying to stay positive.

 

[Gcat]

I like this forum because it's a reminder that 'we are people, too', as sometimes reading about diagnoses, treatments and trauma stories can be triggering- like, 'is that me? Do I have that?' My brain digs for information- sometimes it's healthy/reflective/healing information, but it can also go the other way- then it takes a while to regain equilibrium. I see some of the posts are from ppl who lived in the Northwest- I really enjoyed living in Seattle and Portland, OR.- at that time I moved away from my chaotic family situation on the East Coast. Loved the fresh air, greenery and West Coast flair.

I lost most of my hearing due to spinal meningitis at age 16 mos. Am now 44. My mom was a speech therapist, and both events kind of locked me into an identity as an Oral person. My parents divorced when I was three, and my Dad went on to marry three more times (widowed once). My mom abandoned her upper-middle class lifestyle to be a hippie in Vermont, and my mom, older brother and I moved a couple more times on the East Coast. In high school mom had breast cancer and my brother had several bipolar episodes. Both my brother and I had molestation incidents. When bro died from side effects of Zyprexa, a psychotropic med- we successfully sued Eli Lilly. A year later I finished my doctorate at the Univ. of Md. & was Dxed with PTSD and Mood Disorder NOS. With my brother gone, I felt swamped by my mother, who has a strong personality. She campaigned for drug safety and stopped taking her meds for mood disorder. Boundaries were never our strong forte. I love my family but the boundary issues did some damage....wait, time to rewind that tape- this is about me- but how to define myself without mentioning some of what I've been through?

Anyway I took off for the West Coast and learned about the Deaf culture and signing in Seattle. My mom did not like it one bit. It was such a major event in my identity development. I decided I HAD to go to Gallaudet in DC. First taught in Florida for 2 years, enjoyed the sun. My brother came down to help me move to DC, but wasn't taking his meds and abandoned my U-Haul on the way up (we found him later). At Gallaudet I wasn't "Deaf enough" and was compared to a 4th-generation Deaf leader as her being a "leader in Deaf Ed." I had worked so hard to be accepted and fit in somewhere. I talked to the president of Gallaudet, my inspiration for going there, and he didn't take action. Forget it- transferred to UMd, completed a doctorate in Ed. but wish I had focused on 'real life' instead.

When my brother died, I went south (psychiatrically)....oh, the smiley stuff about ME? I am a fabulous artist when I get myself to do it and can afford classes. My dream is to be a glass artist. I've worked with recycled glass. I love cats, and nature- especially the beach, and am kind and wonderful. I've come a long way.The last 4 years I've taught ASL part-time. I've been fortunate to finally find a competent, very kind pdoc and T who specializes in grief and trauma. I'm hopeful I will piece myself back together. Interesting how I seem to say, "this day next week will be it- all better"- but what is "all better"? Definitely reduced symptoms. Anyway, other goals include full-time work or two part-time jobs, getting my spirituality back, and finally having a place of my own, maybe in another city.