Bf Has Ptsd And His Ex Has Bpd - Is It Worth It?

[puppy12]

I've supported my BF for the past 2 years since he had a crisis/breakdown and was consequently diagnosed with (Complex) PTSD. We've been together for almost 5 years now. Reading through a lot of the postings here I realize that his symptoms are classic: pulling away, anxiety, avoidance, panic attacks, insomnia, difficulty making decisions, attachment problems ... the list goes on. The one thing I really struggle with is that the mother of his 2 children has Borderline Personality Disorder and is a big trigger for him. She was the main cause behind his complete breakdown, although his original abuse occurred in his youth. The thing is that he seems to have some type of Stockholm Syndrome, because he defends her actions, even though he suffered domestic abuse for so long. Am I simply wasting my time & is my BF just too complicated, because he'll always do what she wants? He is in therapy so am hoping he'll learn new behaviours and he does take his medications, has NEVER abused me in any way, shape or form and he is slowly reintegrating to work. But I just feel that I'm going to have to wait for a LONG time to get some of my needs/wants met.... we did used to live together until his complete breakdown, at which point he moved back closer to his ex (4 miles/6 kms) so that he could have access to the children again & to make the kids happy, as they felt that we lived too far from their mum/friends. Have any of you got crazy ex's to deal with, as well as a partner who's got PTSD?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Let's throw the PTSD issue out the window for a second, and the BPD issue as well, and focus on the fact that he's enmeshed with an ex. I'm throwing the mental disorders to the side for the moment because this is an issue that happens in relationships unaffected by mental disorders as well.

I think its important to assess YOUR wants and needs in a relationship. Are you OK playing second fiddle to an ex? I know that I am not, and so I have made the decision to not date people who already have kids as it gets complicated pretty quickly. (I'm the one with PTSD.) So lets say that further down the road (which is probably the distant future) your ex heals, becomes less enmeshed with this BPD ex, etc. Chances are that he's still going to side with her on a lot of things simply because she is the mother of his children. That is, you can take ALL of the PTSD and BPD stuff away (that is if by some miracle both became completely healed) and you will still likely have this issue to some degree.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I wouldn't put any stock in this being a PTSD thing that will go away with healing.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Hopefully, in the course of his therapy, the subject of boundaries comes up. Really, despite their afflictions, divorce is tricky when it comes to children and their needs. I'm not even going to wonder where his head is. The kids will always be trying to put the two of them back together. Once they're older they will care less because they want to live their own lives.
If you feel he's got loose boundaries talk to him about it because it will stick in your craw until you do.

 

[Justmehere]

Am I simply wasting my time & is my BF just too complicated, because he'll always do what she wants? He is in therapy so am hoping he'll learn new behaviors and he does take his medications, has NEVER abused me in any way, shape or form and he is slowly reintegrating to work. But I just feel that I'm going to have to wait for a LONG time to get some of my needs/wants met....

PTSD. BPD, or any problems at all - from bad habits to full blown mental health conditions - it's generally unwise to stay in a relationship with the hope that the other person will change. People can and do change, however, staying in a relationship based on the hope of change in the other person rarely turns out well.

I think you should evaluate the situation as if it won't change, that how it is now is as good as it will get. Only you can make the decision about if it is worth it or not for you to stay. Dating is all about figuring out if the relationship as it is right now is the right fit.

Have you communicated to him what you want/need in a gentle but clear way?

 

[puppy12]

Thanks so much for your responses. Yes the point about it not being related to his illness is correct - he could well have had this issue even if he wasn't ill - I guess his condition just exacerbated the problem and he couldn't cope when he felt pulled in so many ways. So do I want to be in fifth place behind his two kids & his ex, then the answer's a resounding no I don't. & yes, I need to think about my needs considering his mental state right now, even though this wasn't how he was for the first 3 years of our relationship. I hope with all of my heart that he doesn't remain like this, as it's not a good place for him to be, but if you ask me am I happy and able to accept the relationship as it is right now, then no. He's not well, he can't even really think about me & my needs, let alone satisfy them and the whole dynamic with his ex is a complete mess - her bf left the building recently leaving their child behind, which is very sad, but I had thought that we were good role models for the kids, or perhaps I dreamt it.. So all really good food for thought ... it's hard as I moved overseas to be with my bf & no longer own a property in the UK, having sold it to buy our house .. but sometimes life sucks and things happen to teach us valuable lessons ....