Thank you for what you are doing lonely heart.
Your bf is having some issues right now, and they seem to be weighing on you. One of the hardest things for my supporter was trying to be in my corner. It is hard, confusing, and downright scary sometimes.
I don't know your boyfriend, but he is traveling well worn roads. When my girlfriend and I started down the journey you are just beginning, we made a lot of mistakes. I hope those lessons can help you and your love.
Looking back on these days requires a little framing if you have not personally suffered. Every thing I did, I did out of fear. She had no idea what was going on with me. "Why won't you just tell me whats wrong, I'm here to help, just let me in". I would yell at her and call her names. Not because I hated her, because if I didn't, she would stay and I might do a horrible thing that I may never forgive myself for...again. If I told her where I was going she might follow me, and I might have done something horrible... again. My gf thought i was fooling around. I was hiding. She thought I was picking fights. I was running. She thought I was lying. I was too terrified to tell her the truth.
This all adds up to a problem that reason and logic fail hard on. It's a maelstrom that only time, effort and mutual support can wether. One of the most important jobs you have is staying safe. Not just your physical safety but your sanity as well. If you cant find balance in your life, you will fall in with him, and he will have two maelstroms to deal with. Many times I found myself spiraling. I would scream at the world that there is no solution. It was a lie. I needed her healthy and strong. One day I would gather the the strength to reach up. I needed her there and ready to help me. But I was too terrified to tell her.
Your bf is having some issues right now, and they seem to be weighing on you. One of the hardest things for my supporter was trying to be in my corner. It is hard, confusing, and downright scary sometimes.
I don't know your boyfriend, but he is traveling well worn roads. When my girlfriend and I started down the journey you are just beginning, we made a lot of mistakes. I hope those lessons can help you and your love.
Looking back on these days requires a little framing if you have not personally suffered. Every thing I did, I did out of fear. She had no idea what was going on with me. "Why won't you just tell me whats wrong, I'm here to help, just let me in". I would yell at her and call her names. Not because I hated her, because if I didn't, she would stay and I might do a horrible thing that I may never forgive myself for...again. If I told her where I was going she might follow me, and I might have done something horrible... again. My gf thought i was fooling around. I was hiding. She thought I was picking fights. I was running. She thought I was lying. I was too terrified to tell her the truth.
This all adds up to a problem that reason and logic fail hard on. It's a maelstrom that only time, effort and mutual support can wether. One of the most important jobs you have is staying safe. Not just your physical safety but your sanity as well. If you cant find balance in your life, you will fall in with him, and he will have two maelstroms to deal with. Many times I found myself spiraling. I would scream at the world that there is no solution. It was a lie. I needed her healthy and strong. One day I would gather the the strength to reach up. I needed her there and ready to help me. But I was too terrified to tell her.
