Relationship Bf With C-ptsd Acts Terrible

[Wtfiswrong]

My boyfriend of a year has c-PTSD from childhood neglect. Everything was great in the beginning. But now he seems like a stranger to me. His PTSD has gotten so bad it is impossible to deal with Him. He is irrational and constantly pushes me away.

How much is PTSD an excuse for behaving badly?

Why do I feel like the sufferer now? He has broken me down so much that I hardly recognize myself. Why do supporters tolerate constant bad behavior with little to no reward?

Why do sufferers treat the people who care the most for them the worst?

 

[TerriB8511]

Wish I had answers for you. What do you mean by broken you down? I just want to clarify that he's not being verbally or physically abusive.

I'm fairly new to this. My BF (combat PTSD) and I are on a break right now because he couldn't handle the stress. We have been together 7 months...literally the happiest of my life. This break came literally out of nowhere. We talked and laughed one night and the next day he was like a stranger I didn't know. Going on three weeks that I haven't spoken to him and 10 days without a text even though we didn't break up.

So I can I only speak for myself...when I realized he was diagnosed years back, and I just recently learned this, I started researching as much as I could and reading stories of supporters AND sufferers. Everyone copes differently but what I've learned the most is that sufferers tend to push people that they are closest to away because they know they are there. They can then cope with the rest of life's stresses. As backwards as that may sound, it makes sense to me. He knows I will be here so he doesn't have to stress about me. Yes, it is hard and painful. But only you can decide what is enough and what you are willing to do. He needed space so that's what I'm giving him. And yes, I barely recognize myself anymore, but I'm using this time apart to work on me. It's all I really have control over.

It sucks, plain and simple. I wish there was more I could offer but there are a lot of great people on this forum that will offer insights and advice. Lots of love and hugs to you. I'm here if you ever need to talk.

 

[EveHarrington]

Is he in treatment? :hug:

 

[Sweetpea76]

That's the thing... Supporters don't have to tolerate bad behavior with no rewards.

We're allowed to have our limits and refuse to be treated like shit. PTSD is not a license to act any which way.

 

[anemone]

You gotta support him, but you also can't let him take advantage of you.

What a lot of people don't understand is that being a victim doesn't give you the right to victimize others. Just cause you were hurt, it doesn't give you a free pass. It's part of a "victim mentality." And relationships are a two way street. He may be hurting like hell, but he still has to try to better himself for you. You can't heal someone by yourself.

I hope things turn out ok.

 

[Wtfiswrong]

He is in therapy and on medication. The medication he has changed about 6 times in the last year , so that alone makes him act crazy.

I literally feel like the crazy one now. One day will be fine and then the next it's like I am the devil. Somehow I am responsible for his issues. He says I am a trigger for him. It seems to me he can't deal with any stress right now and should not be in a relationship.

I feel bad walking away cause nobody else really knows what he deals with and I worry about him. like most I've read about there are multiple days at a time he doesn't leave the house, eat, take care of basic needs.

It's just really tiring I can't depend on him he basically seems like a stranger to me at this point.

 

[Sweetpea76]

First of all, he needs to own his own stuff. He can't blame you for it.

https://www.myptsd.com/threads/stressor-vs-trigger-what-is-a-trigger.13912/

You can't fix him, or even help him. He has to work on himself. If you need a break from him for your own sanity, that is valid. There is no law saying you have to put up with blame, rage, or lashing out just because he has PTSD. You can choose not to be a doormat. Being a martyr isn't romantic and selfless, it's codependent.

 

[NaeNae75]

First of all, he needs to own his own stuff. He can't blame you for it.

I swear after I read your posts sometimes I want to package up your insight and carry it around in my pocket for my less than clear moments.

 

[Sweetpea76]

@NaeNae75 I messed up a lot in the beginning, and I still mess up sometimes.

Being a supporter is a learning curve... A BIG learning curve :)

 

[NaeNae75]

@NaeNae75 I messed up a lot in the beginning, and I still mess up sometimes.

Be...

Oh, I realize that! LOL....My dad had terrible PTSD, so I learned the dance very young. I was diagnosed myself in 1998. Funny thing is, some days I don't know if being a sufferer or supporter is more difficult...but I still mess it up sometimes.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I don't know how partners in a dual PTSD relationship manage. They get a lot of props from me. My stress and anxiety get the better of me being the "healthy partner" to my sufferer. It has to be rough switching from supporter to sufferer back to supporter.

 

[Merf]

It's like I was thinking along the contents of this post in my head, and then this actual post appeared!

Being a supporter is definitely a massive learning curve, but healthy boundaries are an absolute must. PTSD may well be the explanation, but it isn't an excuse for abusive behaviours in any form. That's the biggest thing I've learnt for myself in the past four weeks. My cptsd diagnosed partner is slowly getting there, but when he is stressed then any little thing can tip him over and he will start shutting down. Sometimes I don't know what's worse, being the emotional/verbal punch bag (which is the way it was frequently going before we took a break) or him withdrawing completely and ignoring me. It's hard to remember some days why I'm still standing by him with little to no reward or my needs having to go on the back burner for a little while.

Make sure you look after yourself. If you don't then you won't be able to be there for him in a healthy capacity either. This forum is literally my saviour. You will find loads of good advice and friendly helpful support. I hope you start feeling more comforted soon whatever you decide to do