Relationship Bf With Ptsd Blames Me For His Unhappiness

[amourlily]

I am about 9 weeks pregnant, my bf has not been dealing with the stress of such a life change very well and honestly neither have I. We have only been together a few months and this was not planned. Im an emotional mess and sick all the time. Our pregnancy is already high risk so the stress of that is intense on us.

I recently found out my bf has been flirty texting with other girls even going so far as to say that he loves them and wishes they were having his baby. Last night I confronted him in a calm manner, telling him i was leaving. I left two weeks ago due to his drinking but came back because I wanted to work things out and he said we could go to counseling. This is my first child and I'm partially blinded by the idea of being a family and not so much the reality.

This morning as I'm packing, he tells me that I'm the reason he drinks, I'm no fun, that he doesn't consider what he did to be cheating, just trying to find happiness which he cant find with me, that if I was being what he needed at home he wouldn't have to go to outside sources. He says he wants nothing to do with the child because I would, according to him, raise he or she up horribly. Then he turns to suicidal talk. He wont be here much longer so I dont need to worry about telling him stuff about the baby.

Just having a no good very bad day today....

 

[sisu]

Hello armourlily,
I am sorry you are going through such a tough time right now. A pregnancy should be a celebratory time in your life - unfortunatley you are not able to celebrate. Please take care of yourself and your unborn baby.

Does your boyfriend get therapy or take meds? If he has untreated or unmanaged PTSD, he is not in control- his PTSD is. However, this does not excuse him turning to other women even if it is only via text. Whether he considers it cheating or not, it IS cheating. Sometimes an emotional connection is far worse than a physical one. It's important that he is in or seeks therapy and takes the meds prescribed to him. Once this happens, he should be in a better frame of mind to discuss your future. Right now it appears you are talking to a brick wall. I would not take what he is saying to you or about you personally.

I think you are doing the right thing by moving out and giving him space. You need to protect yourself and that baby right now. I'm sorry I have no great advice for you. I am here and listening. ((((hugs))))

Sisu

 

[AzureMind]

Hi Armourlily!

Congrats on the bun in the oven!! :) That's great! Now, knowing you're gonna be a mom, I'm sure you don't want your child exposed to any of the emotional, mental, and possibly physical abuse that your bf is subjecting you to . Let me remind you that you're worth more than that; you're the mother of his child, and I gotta say, as a suffer of PTSD, there comes a point in time where you've gotta 'man up' and do whatever's necessary for the ones you love, and yourself in order to be the man you need to be for your family...I'd love to be a father, but when that time comes I s'ppose it will. :)

Regardless of the PTSD, he needs to know how lucky he is to have somebody who's having his child by his side; if anything, he should be thanking you for being so willing to work it out with him. At any rate, there's probably not much you can do for him right now anyway, because he's gotta get himself together; but there IS something you can do for your baby, and that's being the best mom YOU can be for it, and until he gets well, raising it in a stable, loving household.

I'm a product of constant fighting, yelling, domestic violence, and a drug-addicted parent (father), and a co-dependent one (mother); I grew up feeling retarded, slow, painfully-low self-esteem, and internalized anger issues that I still fight with to this day, and I'm VERY intelligent. I'm just saying that I really don't want to see anymore children going through that, no child deserves that, living in the fear of an angry, abusive, drunken father and a mom struggling for self-esteem, as the child watches frozen in terror, living in a world seemingly all by themselves, unable to believe in their mom and dad for support...

It doesn't have to be that way with you guys....I say backing off of him is the BEST thing for you to do right now; let him get his head together, and let him prove to YOU through his actions that he's changing for the better.

Good Luck Armourlily! :) I wish you the best! It'll get better as long as the BOTH of you work together. :)

 

[amourlily]

Thank you both! You're words really mean a lot to me during this struggle. Sisu- he actually attends a weekly group therepy session at the VA which will go on for 10 months and is on medication. But he is drinking around 20-25 beers in a night which affects his moods greatly. He had a seizure in august which they think is probably due to his traumatic brain injury in Iraq and also he may have to have back surgery. His changing medications and health scares are also affecting him. He just doesn't realize how he is acting.

I am still in contact with his mother and I told her that I would send everything to her in regards to info on the baby. If he ever wants to know anything he can talk to her. That way there is some form of mediation between us. The hardest part is I have moved back to my home state in Kentucky and he is from Arizona. So even if things do turn around, it will be a struggle for him to see his child.

I do take my share of blame for how things got so bad so quickly. I am an emotional mess due to hormones and while I lived in Arizona I had no friends, no job. I had just moved there for him when we found out I was pregnant. This man was my only contact and so when he withdrew from me, I took it really personal. My sadness surely didnt help him as he was struggling with his own.

I am so happy for this baby even though things have not panned out as I had hoped. I also came from an abusive home life Azuremind, with an alcoholic father. That is why I refused to accept his drinking. I didn't want our child growing up scared of his or her father. I do care about this man and i pray everyday that he finds himself and will be the father I know he can be. Until then me and my little jellybean will just take things one day at a time.

Thanks and love to both of you!

 

[amethist]

Hi amourlily

It was the piece about him drinking that caught my eye. This is not way to cope with PTSD, it is like pouring oil on a fire, it will just blaze higher.

It will effect his mood, and drag him down even further. Unfortunaly until he see's this and tackles the problem, there will be very little you can do.

Take care of yourself and your unborn, as best you can for now.

I wish you well.

Amethist

 

[Taven Carlsen]

Amourlily, most women don't get out no matter how obvious it is. At one time this wasn't your BF's fault - by this point it is, and he needs to handle himself better.

 

[Srain]

Amourlily, congratulations on your child. I'm so sorry your are dealing with so much and quite frankly you are right to not be the brunt of your partner's issues. I'm Survivor as well and although we all understand that those closest to us are the safest and most likely to take the heat there is no excuse for demoralizing behaviour.

I hope that you are taking good care of yourself and know that you are doing the best thing for all of you, drawing boundaries.

Peace and healing,
Rain

 

[amourlily]

Well I contacted my ex in a moment of sadness. I just wanted to tell him I'll always be there and that I'm not trying to take his child away. That when he is ready I would be there to share this experience with him even though there is a great distance between us. He apologized for hurting me, said that if I only knew what was really going on I would be shocked. There is still continuous talk of suicide. I said he could fly in for the birth and could stay in a hotel in town if he didn't feel comfortable staying with me. His response was that he didn't think he would make it that long, that this world was not meant for him. He seems very torn and doesn't know what to do.

The next day the sadness had given way to anger and he was very accusatory. We had signed up for couples counseling before all of this had happened but never got an appointment set up. He was making statements about how "You shouldn't have left..."or "If only you had stayed for the counseling. As your pregnancy progressed we would have grown closer...". He flat out asked me to leave. Was making plans to meet other women while i was still packing. He is in denial right now, blaming me totally for the collapse of our relationship. His mother says he is still drinking.

I want him to straighten up and be a part of his child's life. This is so frustrating! Honestly being able to talk out my feelings here has really been helping. I do plan to sign up for counseling here since I'm already in a depressed state due to all this which i think puts me at higher risk for postpartum depression. I just need to do everything I can to stay strong for myself and the baby.

Thanks to everyone for your supportive comments, i appreciate it more than words can say.

 

[agent_lch]

Wow our situations are so similar!! I am currently 12 weeks pregnant. My "ex" boyfriend dumped me not even a month after I find out that i'm pregnant. Everything was fine then he just told me he wasn't happy. He was never abusive to me. He will be fine one day and the next he will ignore me an want to be alone. But I never expected him to just dump me on my butt like that. He already has 2 kids from his ex so its not like he is unaware of what to expect.

This is my first child an much you like I am stressed and scared and could use his company and support. He told me he would be there for the baby but he just didn't see it working out between me and him. Our relationship was growing and was a good relationship considering he suffered from PTSD and that I had no clue what it was all about when I got with him. Like you, I have took this very personally. He knows what its like to not have a father in your life. He grew up with his dad being very absent. His father was more concerned with running around and having numerous girlfriends than taking care of his children.

I also found out that my "ex" had joined a dating site online about the same time he told me that he wasn't happy being with me anymore! I joined this site to see what it was about and its nothing but a bunch of creeps trying to flirt and hook up with you. I was so disgusted when I found this site.

He does not drink at all but he does smoke Marijuana VERY frequently now. To me it has the same affects on him as alcohol would. It does not "fix" his issues, it only covers them up temporarily. He was seeking help with at the local VA when we first got together and he is taking medications. However, he stopped going to his doctor appointments and now I don't think his meds are working and he refuses to get help.

Azuremind, I agree with you that there comes a time when you have to "man-up" and take responsibility. He should go get help and try to work towards getting better. He already has 2 kids!! He knows what he needs to do. Sometimes I miss him so bad and it has been really hard the past few weeks dealing with all of this. I am so glad I found this site. It has really helped me to understand the situation better.

Amourlily I think we just have to be patient and work on making sure our child is taken care of and in the mean time perhaps our bf's will come around and get their heads out of their butts.

 

[circe47]

Congrats on your pregnancy, Amourlily...

With regards to our baby daddys, our situations are very similar as far as their mentality goes. My son's father may or may not have PTSD, but he sounds a lot like your child's father as far as behavior. I can only surmise now that we are no longer together that he does in fact have un-diagnosed PTSD or is otherwise personality disordered(I'm thinking sociopathic). His behavior is very self-destructive...and destructive to others. He is an extreme drug/sex addict. He steals from family members....even stole his father's identity to purchase goods. He cheats on and abuses every woman he get's involved with. He brings home low-life drug addicts and twenty dollar hookers who rob him after he passes out. He goes MIA on drug binges and ignores his son for WEEKS at a time. He blames all of his bad behavior on the women in his life. If they didn't argue...fight with him....expect too much from him....make him unhappy...ultimately, give him what he wants....it his THEIR fault he has to go looking elsewhere. For 13 years....I was to blame. What started out as blind love, devotion, honesty, faithfulness and willingness to please on my part turned into a living nightmare that resulted in compounding my PTSD. This relationship also left me with concussive injuries that affect my cognitive functions like memory, concentration and attentiveness.

If experience and therapy has taught me anything it is this: Unless your husband is a small child, or has the limited mental functioning of one, it is impossible for you to MAKE him feel, think or do ANYTHING....short of having a gun to his head. How on earth is it possible for you to climb inside his head and MAKE him feel, think or do anything? He is only using "you made me do it" to justify his bad behavior. Common sense should tell you that it is ridiculous to even consider that one person and MAKE someone else think, feel or do anything. If this kind of supernatural power were possible...imagine what I could have done for ME? I'd be filthy rich!

I will also tell you that I spent 13 years with my son's father wanting him to straighten up too. It never happened....and still hasn't....almost five years later. And, why should he? His mother and the women in his life give him a safe, cushy landing spot when he crashes and burns...so why not keep the "party" going? They keep giving him what he wants and ACCEPTING responsibility for HIS bad behavior. His mother pats him on the head and coddles him like he is a five year old....every time he screws up. She told him "It's okay, I know you didn't mean it" every time he cheated, lied, stole, and abused me....and hates me for leaving her poor, eternally "sorry" son. His current three, four or five "girlfriends" keep taking him back, every time he screws them over...as long as he looks sad and sorry enough. I did too...for thirteen years.

Now, I can't say that your boyfriend is as bad as all that, but from what you say, he has the same blame-someone-else mentality (PTSD aside) and as long as others buy into it....he has no reason to change. Now, what I am going to ask you is this:

Do you really, REALLY want to be with someone who doesn't absolutely, 100%, without a doubt, think you are smart, beautiful, sexy, funny, fun, adventurous...all that and a bag of chips, too? Do you really, REALLY want to spend another minute with someone who doesn't adore you...worship the ground you walk on...respect you.....pamper you....and see that his is also responsible in doing his part of the work in keeping a relationship happy and healthy? Honey, I think that's what you want....because that's what we ALL want. The truth is, you deserve to have someone who feels nothing but wonderful feelings about you. The truth is, if you don't choose someone who feels wonderful about you AND your baby....that WILL be your fault.

Please don't waste the prime of your life on someone who doesn't adore you and your baby...and make an effort to show you EVERY SINGLE DAY!

 

[Deleted member 12723]

so much pain and anguish. It is better to leave and take good care of yourself and your baby.You deserve better. Who knows how long it will take them to hit bottom and really reach out for help.

I think it is better that you left to build a better life for yourself. I know it will be beyond hard missing him, but you will heal. And you will get yourself back. Try to take it a day at a time or even a moment at a time.

Having ptsd does not excuse this kind of words and behaavior. I wish you the best. Keep up posted on your progress. You have to make it safe for you and your baby. Good luck.

 

[Tenacity]

Congratulations! A Baby!

I have/had PTSD for many years. I can tell you like others have, this is a volatile situation. Amorelily, you've done nothing to cause your BF's behavior. Remember that you can not control anyone but yourself! Your BF must take responsibility for his behavior. Threatening suicide should set off all BELLS and WHISTLES, and may require a "Baker Act" if he can't find a way to get help himself. He also may start to control you and your behaviors, "like where you have been?" or "who were you with?"

More then not, the person who feels or is out of control him/herself, the more they may try to control their environment which includes you and your baby. In my humble opinion, you are ONLY responsible for yourself and the baby.

Your BF really needs a time out and get some much needed help. His drinking, cheating, blaming and roller coaster emotions are symptoms. I guarantee he's say the same thing if he was with someone else.

Please consider contacting the VA Suicide Hotline for guidance. 1-800-784-2433. Or maybe a Law Enforcement Officer. There are now many PTSD related places to turn to. Please be careful when you around him! First and foremost IS you and your baby.

Please keep us posted as often as possible.