Relationship Big Shock Tonight

[Jawn]

Arrrrrgggghhhhh! OK, I feel slightly better now. I'm not sure what happened with my wife today, but she didn't show up to Thanksgiving. I called her when I was on my way and asked if she wanted me to pick her up and she said "No, I'll see you there." But it was clear to me that something was wrong and I asked what was wrong and she hung up on me. So I went to her place, but she wouldn't answer the door and yes, she was there. I thought about using my key to go in, but I thought that might make things worse. So I went to the Thanksgiving gathering and immediately people started asking me where she was and if she was coming. At that point I didn't really know, so I had to give vague answers. Later one of her sisters told me that she had called and said she had a bloody nose and wouldn't be coming. Well that made it easier for me because I could then just say she wasn't feeling well and wasn't coming when new arrivals asked where she was, etc.

Her "close" sister said she would try calling and talking to her once she got home tonight, so hopefully they will talk because she always does better after talking to this sister. Her sister told me to NOT stop on my way home, but maybe call and let her know that people missed her and I have leftovers for her. When I called it went straight to voice mail, so I think her phone is turned off. Sigh......I did go online and look at the cell phone usage and she checked her voice mail at about 6pm, so I guess that's a good sign. I did drive by on my way home, but I didn't stop. At 7pm her house was completely dark, so I guess she must have been in bed already.

Needless to say, I guess she couldn't handle the day and the gathering. I am very worried about her though because yesterday seemed like a good day. Sigh......I doubt I will sleep much tonight.

Jawn

 

[Iam]

Oh Jawn, I am so sorry. What a disappointment for you but worse, you must be worried. I am glad that she is able to talk with her sister. Hopefully you will hear some good news soon so you will feel more comfortable.

 

[Nicolette]

While sad for you Jawn, I would not have predicted much less. Your wife is working on her illness, trying to save her marriage & maintaining a job. Throw in a gathering of people who you both know and the potential for stressors such as unwanted questions and you're asking for PTSD flare up. Sorry but I see both sides and get that your wife is struggling and you are disappointed. You also may want to consider the fall out if your wife now feels bad for letting you down.

Hang in there.

 

[PTSDT]

it has to be very difficult to be able to easily do things like the Holidays and not see why someone else can't. But we really can't. And it makes me feel ashamed and like a weak failure when I just can't do it.

I am not trying to be critical at all. Just speaking for myself with PTSD with agoraphobia. Someone checking to make sure I was coming would make me feel super nervous. I like it when someone who knows what I have says something like, "I'll see if you're there and I won't if you're not. It's just a day. Call me if you need me." That takes so much pressure off of "the event" I am expected to attend. My friend will often say, "Well, whatever you do, I'm behind you on it. Either you will do one thing or the other. It's up to you." It is empowering to me and I do not feel I have failed him.

I hope you can sleep your normal hours and relax. I would want my carer in this situation to get plenty of rest for when I did want to talk to him, and to leave me a short message saying that he/she understands it is the PTSD. I would want to feel understand and that It was just a day that was difficult and they were not disappointed in me....just worried. I would want them to say, "I'm here so call me when you feel like it."

I spent my Thanksgiving with one person. He provided the food. I didn't even have to make up my mind about him coming over until late and it was a last minute decision. Either he was going to eat the food and have left overs or bring me some. Nothing expected of me. We watched TV and quietly visited and laughed. It was peaceful. I felt no pressure, so I was able to be and have fun. I cried once at the end of the evening about my struggles with my therapy. And the holiday is now over. I hope Christmas is the same. A little bit of enjoyment, no expectations, and just the two of us.

 

[Jawn]

Thanks Nicolette and PTSDT. I would have gladly spent the day with my wife....just the 2 of us. I know it's the PTSD, but I am still worried about her. While I did get to see lots of people today, it was mostly her family and while I probably shouldn't, I felt out of place because she wasn't there. If she had just told me when I called that she wasn't up to going today I would have been ok with it and would have offered to spend the day with her.

I think there has only been one other time that she didn't go to some family function and she told me she didn't want to go that time. I guess I just found it hard today for her to tell me she would see me there and 5 minutes later she called her sister to say she wasn't coming. The vast majority of the people there today do not even know that there is anything going on with her, so they were just concerned when I showed up solo. Only her parents and sisters know that something is wrong and only the "close" sister and I know exactly what is the issue. Her parents and sisters are the only ones that know we have separated too.

But I can see where it might be too much for her. I just wish she would tell me that, so I could offer an alternative. I guess on the positive side of things, our nephews girlfriend had a wreck a couple miles from the house, but was ok although it did cause several of us to run down there. I also got to see my 2 sons and both my granddaughters, so there were good things today. Just a little hard to put them in perspective today.

PTSDT I think the VM I left my wife was very similar to your quote above. I think mine was "I am worried about you, so when you are up to it please call me and let me know that you are ok." At this point I will wait for her to call me and not push the issue.

Jawn

 

[Deleted member 5760]

Jawn,

I'm thinking of you tonight. Your love is really astounding. I'm so sorry you're having to ride this wave and I hope you come out the other side with the love which you so clearly deserve in return.

 

[Deleted member 5760]

My gf didn't show up tonight. I never thought I would be standing on your side of the fence in terms of the position I find myself in - but here I am. She has just now literally texted me saying she called a therapist tonight and has booked an emergency appointment for the morning. I'm not in a position to diagnose her as I'm not a therapist, however, I am clearly noticing certain things. It's so hard to have to watch someone allowing an illness to control their lives and take away their happiness. I feel a great sense of relief that she is seeking help - step 1 done. Whatever the outcome for our relationship, all I truly want is to see her happy and dealing with her issues so she can continue on a less destructive path.

 

[amethist]

This must have been a tough day to get through Jawn, I fully understand how you must feel.

I now do things slightly different, so neither of us feels pressured or disappointed if plans fall through. Yes he does fell upset that he cannot go, but with no added pressure from me, it is easier for him to maybe even change his mind and go at the last minute, which has happened.

This weekend is our grandson's 4th birthday, hubby has said he would like to come with my daughter and I on Sunday. I have a small bottle of Fairy dust for our granddaughter, which he said he would like to give her, a present from Tinkerbell.

To be honest I am not expecting him to be able to go, as the noise of excited children does get too much for him at times. This is where my thinking changes, not expecting him to be able to go is an OK thought for me, but if he does go on the day, well that is a big bonus for me, our grandchildren and an achievement for him.

So inviting them along, with no pressure to go, then with the thought that it may not be possible for them is a good way to manage family gatherings for yourself. No need to say anything about this, but it will be less disappointing for you, and easier for her to say yes or no.

The explanations to others can be a bit of a nightmare, but it seems her close sister has that in hand. If she can contact her at times, at least you know she is possibly just full of anxiety because of the questions she may be asked.

This is where the Rhino skin comes in handy too, fending off unwanted comments.

Take care, it does get easier, eventually

 

[AdamAnt]

Sorry you're going thru this Jawn. I know it has been discussed, but it never ceases to amaze me that family and friends can never seem to understand and either have to be placated with a lie or beat about the head with a boot to keep from creating yet another uncomfortable situation!

Good Luck to you Jawn, they say it gets darker before the light....

 

[Jawn]

Thanks everyone. All of your comments help a great deal.

AdamAnt there really wasn't anyone who was asking bad or inappropriate questions, they were just surprised to see me without my wife. Most of these cousins and such are only seen at Thanksgiving or other special functions. So they have no idea that my wife is having any problems or that we have separated. I just wasn't prepared to answer them, but I am from now on. I guess when my wife wouldn't answer the door at her house I should have figured it out, but I thought perhaps she was in the shower and would show up later.

superjen I'm sorry that you are on my side of the fence too, but I hope things work out for you.

Nicolette, what kind of fall out might I expect? Just curious as to what you meant by that comment.

Amethist thanks for your comments once again. You are right I probably need to change my mindset on what I expect. This was the first time something like this has happened and it caught me off guard. I will be more prepared for future gatherings.

I checked the cell phone usage this morning and she hasn't checked her VM yet. Probably still has her phone turned off. lol. She is supposed to work at the vet clinic F/S/S, so I think I will drive by and see if her car is there or not. If it is I will assume that she is better today and not call or pressure her. Not sure what to do if she didn't make it to work today. Oh wait, they don't know we're separated either so they would have called here if she was late. Whew! I guess I know she made it without checking! :) At least I hope going to work is a positive sign. Sigh.....

I guess I'd better get going. I have a couple of errands and then I'm going to use the long weekend to empty out our bedroom, rip out the carpet, and put down new flooring. Hopefully I can get it done before Monday. And hopefully it will keep my mind off things for a while.

Jawn

 

[lonetree]

My thoughts are with you Jawn. It must be hard for you to keep your emotions in check in the middle of a family gathering. I am glad you have her sister there to help you. It sounds like you were able to enjoy some of the gifts a holiday can bring even if its not nearly enough to outweigh your heavy heart.

I hope you will be able to speak to your wife soon and it eases your concerns.

 

[seedling]

You'll both learn to manage these things better. I've missed events this year that I usually attend. People are surprised when I say I can't commit, maybe I'll come, maybe not. My family understands and we don't have the extended family like what you had to deal with.

Just one other thought - that you two are on the roller coaster together since you still see her so often. Even though she seemed better the day before it doesn't mean much about now. That day she was able to function better in spite of all the noise in her head. It's always there, somedays (or moments) taking up more space than others.

Did you dust off the rhino skin? Might come in handy while doing those floors.:rolleyes: