Relationship Big Shock Tonight

[PTSDT]

I want to state that PTSD (as with all illnesses) is not something that someone allows to happen to them or allows to control them and their actions. It is the brain's physical reaction to trauma.

It affects some people differently. Some people believe they are OK for years until it really knocks them down. Some people have it for a few months after a trauma and then they are OK.

i am very lucky that my carer worked as a psychiatric nurse for years. One of my favorite things he has created for us is "Plan B." At first, I would be melting down and in a panic and he let me go over all my catastrophic scenarios. He then started saying, "What about a Plan B?" He would then list some potential Plan B's.

There have been times where I can't see a possibility of a Plan B. But with my new therapy and my carer's patience, I am now coming up with my own Plan B's.

Some religious holidays are coming for those who celebrate them. Thanksgiving is the first of a long couple of months of distress for people with any brain difference including PTSD. Some Plan B's for any upcoming holidays might be very helpful. Maybe even some Plan C's and D's. IE:

Plan A is the person with PTSD would like to go to the big family/friends party.

Plan B is they will go after the party starts and stay for 45 minutes and will have signals to let you know they need to leave and what excuse will be made if they aren't comfortable with all knowing they have PTSD.

Plan C: You will have bought some take out food or cold cuts or whatever the day before and they have the option of choosing to have you come over at the last minute. You will call the family and friends and let them know that everything is OK, but that the two of you aren't going to be able to make it. You make sure the person knows that it is up to him/her how much time you spend together. They are allowed to tell you that they will probably just be able to eat and maybe visit for 20 minutes and then it is their choice if they can watch a movie or something.

Plan D: Your person with PTSD doesn't feel capable of even spending time with you. It sucks. But you let them know you would be happy to bring food over and leave it on their front porch so they have something good to eat for the holiday.

If you are completely open to whatever they want and there is no pressure, you might be surprised to find that they start to trust more and it might be a good day. If not this holiday, maybe the next one. When the pressure is low like this with lots of plans they are in charge of, the symptoms could really subside and the day might be much more pleasant for both people.

 

[hopelives]

Well I for one dont own a rhino skin and I still get hurt 8yrs later that my husband doesn't turn up to events. I find it embarrassing. But I am learning. I think you handled things well. I would be uncomfortable around my husbands family without him there so I think that is pretty normal. But at least they aren't blaming you for the issues like my husbands family is me.

You are doing so well Jawn. Takes the shine off holidays I must say when the PTSD rares its ugly head.

 

[PTSDT]

I should also say that if they choose to spend quiet time with you and your food and gifts, etc., it would still be possible for you to go by yourself later or earlier to the family gathering and enjoy that aspect of the holiday for yourself. You will just have your cell phone on and be flexible with a little time with your loved one with PTSD also.

 

[Jawn]

PTSDT thank you for the thoughtful explanation. I will try to plan accordingly next time. Normally for Christmas it is a much smaller gathering, but I will tell her in a few days the :other" options for Christmas and let her think about it. I am even debating whether I should decorate the house or if that would be too much pressure on her too. Any thoughts on that?

I know about not letting an illness define you or control you. I have been a Type 1 diabetic for many years and use an insulin pump and continuous glucose monitor to stay on top of it. Am I perfect with all of that? Heck no! Far from it, but I am better than I would have been if I just tried to ignore it like some people I know. My wife has been there for me the couple of times the diabetes got away from me and I want to do the same for her, but right now she seems to want to do things by herself most of the time. I hope with time and therapy that she will let me.

When I was out running errands this morning I did drive by the clinic and her car was there, so I felt a bit of relief from that. I also went and bought the laptop she has been wanting to get for her place. She hates not having a computer to use at her place, so now she will have something there. I'm not going to take it to her for a couple of days and let the dust settle first.

She did finally call me today. It was as she was leaving the vet clinic after work. She didn't want to talk about it, but said "I just wanted to let you know I am fine." Then she asked me to do something for her tomorrow, so it's now added to my list.

I started on the bedroom, but it wasn't until almost 3 pm, so I mostly have just been moving stuff out of the room. I need to do a bit more tonight and then tomorrow I will start yanking out the carpet and hopefully start laying the new floor. Hopefully I can finish the floor on Sunday and at least move the bed back in there. My wife did tell me today that she was sorry she was working every day this long weekend or she would come help me with the floor.

I will say that emptying out the desk was an eye opening experience in some ways. I normally don't pay any attention to her drawers or her in-basket. But since I was taking stuff out of the drawers I saw some of it. I thought she had thrown away all of the cards I had given her, but there were a few from the last couple of years. It was a pleasant surprise for sure.

Thanks everyone,

Jawn

 

[Nicolette]

Hi Jawn

Sounds like 'you're the man' yet again. Well done and great management.

Your concern is obvious however you are also trying to stop yourself pushing your wife which takes "the skin of a rhino" as discussed on here many a time. Good for you.

My take on special occasions are "ask first" as there are no traditions and predictability with PTSD. What might seem fine to you or me may not be for someone whose PTSD cup is already full. If it were another time and their cup was at a different level the outcome may have been different.

Taking PTSD aside and putting myself in your wife's shoes for a moment (your's count too of course) I know that I would feel like avoiding an occasion where I was going through a trial separation with my husband but didn't want anyone to know. How should she act, she may not want to act the way she believes she used to, questions may become awkward, people may pick up things. I would have chickened out if it was me as it is easier to avoid that put yourself out to the wolves if that makes sense?

I have been let down to occasions with Anthony, some involving clients, which have been very embarrassing as I don't want to tell them about his illness, I don't want to go alone and have to concoct up some story, and the illness makes me disappointed for what it takes from me. Just human nature.....not bitterness but of all days you think why today?!

I tend to confirm invitations as late as possible now and I even hate replying to the ones where it's a sit down per head catered for function incase something goes wrong. You learn to deal with it and accept it but it is the down side to the illness.

I also tend to ask more than presume....even with things like, are we putting up a Christmas tree this year? Do you want to have a Christmas meal and do a lot of feeling before making any plans. I want Anthony to be there and enjoy the day and if it means lunch at home alone together versus him being in bed overloaded from the big potential family gathering well, you know which I would choose.

It's Anthony's 40th next year and I'm already slowly working on what he wants to do for the special occasion. I have told him what his gift will be so he has time to digest it and mentally prepare remembering that good stress is just as damaging as bad stress. Surprises are for some things which he loves but others are worth preparing for based on experience. I also find reminding towards the date helps him, it may not for your wife.

Nicolette, what kind of fall out might I expect? Just curious as to what you meant by that comment.

What I meant Jawn was that your wife may add to her PTSD Cup by feeling bad for letting you down as promised which could result in withdrawal, longer to recover, regression in your progress....anything. Doesn't really matter now as it seems you know her well enough and know the right things to say as she has come bouncing back. That's pretty good stuff compared to what I have normally read on this forum over the years when something like this has occurred.

I really believe you guys will make it!

 

[PTSDT]

Hi Jawn,

It sounds like you are trying very hard and that is really great.

About the holiday decorations: I'm not quite sure exactly what your living arrangements are. I think you are living in separate places right now? If so, put them up where you live and leave her to decide what she wants to do. She can ask you for some of the decorations if she wants.

I know that some years, I decorate and some years I don't. If someone asked me if I was going to, I would probably feel pressure and like a failure because I didn't want to deal with it. If you live in the same place and you want to put decorations up, I would suggest you tell her you would like to decorate for the holiday and that she doesn't have to help, but is welcome if she wants...or ask her if she minds if you decorate one room of the house so she isn't distracted by it.

You are helping me a lot. I am seeing the other side of this. I see why one of the people who cares for me hovers and buys me gifts trying to make me feel better and is always nervous that he is doing the wrong thing. That is no way to live. Figure out your own Plan B's also.

We with PTSD who are adults can get better over time by learning in therapy how to do more for ourselves, feel stronger with each thing we do. Having someone so willing to do things for us is great. But, I have had to tell the person who does some hovering that I need more space so I can take care of little things on my own.

You might try backing off for a few days to see if there is a little more equilibrium between you. You shouldn't have to be thinking ahead all the time trying to make sure she is happy, happy, happy. Let her feel bad if she needs to.

Take some relaxation time for a while and let her do her things she needs to do. Your relationship may or may not work out - PTSD or no PTSD. But, your life won't work well if you aren't taking care of yourself. Go see a movie or take a day trip and think about you and what you enjoy in life. Leave her to herself and let her call you. She knows how to ask for help and you shouldn't have to try to anticipate her every need. It is strange, but I am finding out with the right kind of therapy, that it gets worse before it gets better and no one can get it to better except me...with help from my therapist....and if I'm lucky, help from others when I need their help.

This is long term for me. I am frustrated a lot by how slowly I am progressing and by how much worse I felt for several weeks before I felt a little better. Patience is important.

You will not be able to stop the pain with anything you say or do. She will have to be the one working through that. Trying to keep her happy all the time is just delaying the inevitable. She has a lot to go through. Let her go through it knowing you're a phone call away. Check your messages often so if there is a meltdown, you can get back to her quickly. But take your own time out to think about you and do nice things for you. Buy yourself a gift next time. You deserve it.

 

[Jawn]

Thanks ladies for the helpful information and the encouragement that I am "mostly" doing the right things.

PTSDT my wife and I are currently separated while she focuses on therapy. She has said that she is not hiding the fact we are separated, but she's not advertising it either. The reason I was concerned about Christmas decorations is due to the fact she is here at our house 4-5 days per week to take care of the dogs. She does that because she gets off work earlier than I do and it's less time the dogs are penned up in the house. I just don't want to make the house uncomfortable for her although in the past she always loved driving up the driveway and seeing the Christmas lights on. I guess I will wait a while and ask her.

I would feel like avoiding an occasion where I was going through a trial separation with my husband but didn't want anyone to know.

Nicolette you may be right on this one. I know last year a few people noticed how badly she was treating me and while she's not doing that now, she also is not back to being able to treat me like she used to. i.e. showing affection. While the people who know we are separated probably wouldn't say anything, there is always the chance that they might.

I also wondered if maybe things are coming up in therapy that are making things worse for her right now too. That is just a guess on my part as I don't know what's happening with her therapy. But maybe some of those suppressed memories are starting to surface? If so, I can certainly see where that might put her in a tail spin.

I will see her tomorrow as I have to take a dog to the vet and she will be the tech assisting the vet. It will only be a few minutes, but it will be nice to see her. I think I will skip going by the clinic on Sunday though and let her have the day "off from me". :)

Jawn

 

[Nicolette]

I know that some years, I decorate and some years I don't. If someone asked me if I was going to, I would probably feel pressure and like a failure because I didn't want to deal with it. If you live in the same place and you want to put decorations up, I would suggest you tell her you would like to decorate for the holiday and that she doesn't have to help, but is welcome if she wants...or ask her if she minds if you decorate one room of the house so she isn't distracted by it.

I agree with this. My point in asking is if it doesn't matter either way for me then it's just easier to ask. And minds do change as moods do etc. If I wanted to do it I would do so but be open to any specific objections - like if living together and I want to decorate and he doesn't then well then there cannot be an expectation from me for him to help decorate and/or put it away. It's not about making him happy first; it's about compromises and not sweating the small stuff while setting boundaries and expectations. The adverse would apply to if he wanted to decorate and I didn't - why should I object and not let him be happy as long as I don't have to do things I don't want to in order for it to occur.

PTSDT you articulate your illness towards a Carer in one of the clearer ways I have seen during my time on this forum. What you have to remember when sitting in our shoes is if you are pushed over the edge we suffer too... not fair, not on purpose but it does hit us too. If we can do small things to ensure happiness of a PTSD Sufferer while at no emotional cost to ourselves then I think most would for the sake of having you well. It is the most preferred option for us. It's a bit like a win-win situation.

You are helping me a lot. I am seeing the other side of this. I see why one of the people who cares for me hovers and buys me gifts trying to make me feel better and is always nervous that he is doing the wrong thing. That is no way to live.

True..... have you asked him why he feels like this? Do you tell him you don't like to see him suffer like that?

We with PTSD who are adults can get better over time by learning in therapy how to do more for ourselves, feel stronger with each thing we do. Having someone so willing to do things for us is great. But, I have had to tell the person who does some hovering that I need more space so I can take care of little things on my own.

True, true and then see PTSD. I agree you are adults who are responsible for you life and healing. I agree it is nice for anyone (PTSD or not) to do things for you. I don't know your personal situation but you describing hovering and needing space means PTSD to me - the symptom of overloading and needing to isolate. I would like to know more specifics before I would comment. Some people like lots of attention and contact and others don't too so it's not always PTSD either. In our house, I "don't do being ignored".....I'm not in a relationship to be by myself so if I was being pushed too far away too much it wouldn't work for me.

You might try backing off for a few days to see if there is a little more equilibrium between you. You shouldn't have to be thinking ahead all the time trying to make sure she is happy, happy, happy. .

I personally think that Jawn is backing off the best he can from what I know as he loves his wife and just wants to be with her. He is trying to find a middle ground as to respect his wife but not go insane himself by trying to stuff down all what used to be normal and natural. It's still a relationship and still a two way street. I get a PTSD Sufferer needs space but, from my point of view, the relationship doesn't turn on and off according to PTSD. You have to journey through it; sometimes you get it right, sometimes you trip up; sometimes you blow it, sometimes you cream it in and all that can hinge on what else is going on in your life.

Let her feel bad if she needs to

I agree but he doesn't have to turn away from her for that to happen. That is what I mean is to expect fallout but it seems Jawn did really well based on his wife's response.

Take some relaxation time for a while and let her do her things she needs to do.

I'm sorry but I feel the need to defend Jawn here as IMHO he is doing all that and more.

It is strange, but I am finding out with the right kind of therapy, that it gets worse before it gets better and no one can get it to better except me...with help from my therapist....and if I'm lucky, help from others when I need their help.

Makes perfect sense to me and I agree. You do have to help yourself.

It's really hard though, without a crystal ball, to know when to help and when not to at times. PTSDT I have seen all you speak of and agree with your principles. What I think you need to factor in is the person who you are......that's why some relationships make it and others don't. Anthony has PTSD we have our bumpy patches but we are generally very well suited. I know when to back off and leave him alone but he also knows when he has to step up and give me attention too. My point being is you talk about you and share a valuable insight from a PTSD Suffers view but we are not them so we have to find our way to a point of balance. If I was your husband and you continually needed space and it went on and on and on and I was shut out I would probably crack. But that is me and not him.

What I share about Anthony and I is what works and doesn't work for us; it may be different for others.

You will not be able to stop the pain with anything you say or do. She will have to be the one working through that. Trying to keep her happy all the time is just delaying the inevitable.

I see your point but don't totally agree that applies to everyone.

She has a lot to go through. Let her go through it knowing you're a phone call away. Check your messages often so if there is a meltdown, you can get back to her quickly. But take your own time out to think about you and do nice things for you. Buy yourself a gift next time. You deserve it.

Well said.

Sorry, I just feel somewhat defensive here and I'm not sure why as I have PTSD too but I think personalities play a role in this as well as the illness and, as a Carer, while our suffering cannot be compared to yours, it is still suffering to us so we hurt. I think what is biting me on the butt here is that this reminds me of my mother always telling me I should be more this or that as there is always someone worse off out there than me. That is true but what hurts me is my suffering and I think Jawn is bending as far as he can without breaking himself (the tree branch as my mum called me - she said I would bend but always bounce back up) but he is still suffering in his own way. I commend him.

 

[Jawn]

Thanks Nicolette. Hmmmm, I guess maybe I'm a rubber tree? LOL! ;)

 

[PTSDT]

I am absolutely feeling no animosity whatsoever Jawn.

I am sharing my feelings and thoughts as a PTSD sufferer whom also scores as a solid Introvert on the MBTI scale.

I felt I could identify with your wife's behaviors and only wanted to be of some help because a loving relationship is a terrible thing to lose.

I have a graduate degree in the Social Sciences so may be too wordy or come across in a way that causes discomfort. That is not my intention. I admire anyone who can be patient in dealing with PTSD in another person. Having it is the most frustrating thing I have ever experienced.

I hope you will forgive me if I made you feel offended and I want to make sure that my only motive was to share what I want from a loved one and what has worked for me. Your story touches me very deeply and I would be very happy for you if it works out well for all concerned.

 

[Jawn]

Thanks PTSDT. I took no offense to your posts and found them very helpful.

Jawn

 

[PTSDT]

Thank you, Jawn. I am very grateful you are on the site right now. I didn't think you were offended, but felt I needed to make sure.