Sufferer Birth Trauma and More

[DSkyler]

C-PTSD

I was born in a cardboard box
My eyes the colour of sin
Then someone massaged my brain
So no love could ever get in.

(I wrote this aged 18 before I’d pieced everything together about my life)

I was separated from my mother at birth and driven 25 miles to a big hospital for a blood transfusion I didn’t need in the end.

8-10 days in an incubator. Living hell. I believe I nearly died and had to leave my body occasionally to remove myself from the pain. My brain and limbic system fried and welded in a mess.

Mistreatment as a young child added to the burden. Ten people had physically hit me by the time I’d reached my teens. But despite this I’ve had successes and good times.

Death of mother and family breakdown/disappearing at age 20 compounded the trauma.

Early 20s ran into books that pointed way to primal psychotherapy which helped given that I had a safe attachment figure for the first time.

But this was before EMDR. Only with EMDR did I start to feel real relief and less panic attacks and disassociation. But I had not the resources to follow it through and repeated the abandonment and fleeing to escape my pain.

Now being much older with more resources and steady family I have returned to EMDR and believe I can finally undo and reprocess without abandoning myself. I’m lucky to have got this far.

It’s taken me 34 years after realising I was an abused child to get to this point. Peace in my own body is all I want.

I feel for you all. PTSD is a failure of our environment, not us. Yet we suffer. Take care and find strength and the right help.

~ D

 

[parrotthepolly]

Welcome! It's awesome to hear you healed :)

 

[Susan Jane]

C-PTSD

I was born in a cardboard box
My eyes the colour of sin
Then someone massaged my brain
So no love could ever get in.

(I wrote this aged 18 before I’d pieced everything together about my life)

I was separated from my mother at birth and driven 25 miles to a big hospital for a blood transfusion I didn’t need in the end.

8-10 days in an incubator. Living hell. I believe I nearly died and had to leave my body occasionally to remove myself from the pain. My brain and limbic system fried and welded in a mess.

Mistreatment as a young child added to the burden. Ten people had physically hit me by the time I’d reached my teens. But despite this I’ve had successes and good times.

Death of mother and family breakdown/disappearing at age 20 compounded the trauma.

Early 20s ran into books that pointed way to primal psychotherapy which helped given that I had a safe attachment figure for the first time.

But this was before EMDR. Only with EMDR did I start to feel real relief and less panic attacks and disassociation. But I had not the resources to follow it through and repeated the abandonment and fleeing to escape my pain.

Now being much older with more resources and steady family I have returned to EMDR and believe I can finally undo and reprocess without abandoning myself. I’m lucky to have got this far.

It’s taken me 34 years after realising I was an abused child to get to this point. Peace in my own body is all I want.

I feel for you all. PTSD is a failure of our environment, not us. Yet we suffer. Take care and find strength and the right help.

~ D

Welcome to the forum. I understand this well. Peace should be easier than the suffering we endure. I feel for you too.

 

[Sideways]

Welcome to the forum:)

 

[DSkyler]

Welcome to the forum:)

Thank you. I’m not much of an online person so I don’t know how much I’ll be on here, but even dipping my toe into it I feel less alone and weird and know that this is pandemic as a species really. Wonderful resource.

 

[beckyblue10]

C-PTSD

I was born in a cardboard box
My eyes the colour of sin
Then someone massaged my brain
So no love could ever get in.

(I wrote this aged 18 before I’d pieced everything together about my life)

I was separated from my mother at birth and driven 25 miles to a big hospital for a blood transfusion I didn’t need in the end.

8-10 days in an incubator. Living hell. I believe I nearly died and had to leave my body occasionally to remove myself from the pain. My brain and limbic system fried and welded in a mess.

Mistreatment as a young child added to the burden. Ten people had physically hit me by the time I’d reached my teens. But despite this I’ve had successes and good times.

Death of mother and family breakdown/disappearing at age 20 compounded the trauma.

Early 20s ran into books that pointed way to primal psychotherapy which helped given that I had a safe attachment figure for the first time.

But this was before EMDR. Only with EMDR did I start to feel real relief and less panic attacks and disassociation. But I had not the resources to follow it through and repeated the abandonment and fleeing to escape my pain.

Now being much older with more resources and steady family I have returned to EMDR and believe I can finally undo and reprocess without abandoning myself. I’m lucky to have got this far.

It’s taken me 34 years after realising I was an abused child to get to this point. Peace in my own body is all I want.

I feel for you all. PTSD is a failure of our environment, not us. Yet we suffer. Take care and find strength and the right help.

~ D

I read your poem and burst straight into tears. That's so dark but honest and exactly sums up how many of us feel before we heal or start to heal because it is a forever journey. Thanks for sharing and a lovely reminder about how far I have personally come in getting free from the toxic shame I constantly lived with xxx

 

[PamelaS]

C-PTSD

I was born in a cardboard box
My eyes the colour of sin
Then someone massaged my brain
So no love could ever get in.

(I wrote this aged 18 before I’d pieced everything together about my life)

I was separated from my mother at birth and driven 25 miles to a big hospital for a blood transfusion I didn’t need in the end.

8-10 days in an incubator. Living hell. I believe I nearly died and had to leave my body occasionally to remove myself from the pain. My brain and limbic system fried and welded in a mess.

Mistreatment as a young child added to the burden. Ten people had physically hit me by the time I’d reached my teens. But despite this I’ve had successes and good times.

Death of mother and family breakdown/disappearing at age 20 compounded the trauma.

Early 20s ran into books that pointed way to primal psychotherapy which helped given that I had a safe attachment figure for the first time.

But this was before EMDR. Only with EMDR did I start to feel real relief and less panic attacks and disassociation. But I had not the resources to follow it through and repeated the abandonment and fleeing to escape my pain.

Now being much older with more resources and steady family I have returned to EMDR and believe I can finally undo and reprocess without abandoning myself. I’m lucky to have got this far.

It’s taken me 34 years after realising I was an abused child to get to this point. Peace in my own body is all I want.

I feel for you all. PTSD is a failure of our environment, not us. Yet we suffer. Take care and find strength and the right help.

~ D

Welcome! So glad you found us. Thank you for sharing all of that with us. You are among friends, here who have walked similar paths. So sorry for everything you’ve been through, but so encouraged by how resilient you have been. Thank you for sharing all of that. I’m so glad that you are in a better place physically and mentally. By myself have lived virtually for almost 25 years because of ill health and the inability to get out. So this is very comfortable for me. I hope you continue to check in with us. This is a safe place. These are your people. We all get it. And we all encourage one another. Hoping and praying that you will continue to improve in your circumstances and your healing. Best wishes to you and thank you for dropping in.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

Welcome to the forum! I have been enormously blessed here over the years, I hope you will be too. I’m sorry that you have the need to be here as well!
AKJ

 

[DSkyler]

Welcome to the forum. I understand this well. Peace should be easier than the suffering we endure. I feel for you too.

Welcome to the forum! I have been enormously blessed here over the years, I hope you will be too. I’m sorry that you have the need to be here as well!
AKJ

Thank you. Yes, sorry we are all here too but glad this offers the opportunity to share and connect and see that progress is possible despite the sheer bad luck of anyone having had to endure.

 

[DSkyler]

I read your poem and burst straight into tears. That's so dark but honest and exactly sums up how many of us feel before we heal or start to heal because it is a forever journey. Thanks for sharing and a lovely reminder about how far I have personally come in getting free from the toxic shame I constantly lived with xxx

Thank you. I’m always struck by how those unconscious words I found came right from my core. And to feel less alone through therapy and EMDR and finding this site has been a welcome relief.

It is technically and creatively a great poem too

I’ll share the remainder when I’m on my laptop.

Thanks for the welcome

 

[DSkyler]

Welcome! So glad you found us. Thank you for sharing all of that with us. You are among friends, here who have walked similar paths. So sorry for everything you’ve been through, but so encouraged by how resilient you have been. Thank you for sharing all of that. I’m so glad that you are in a better place physically and mentally. By myself have lived virtually for almost 25 years because of ill health and the inability to get out. So this is very comfortable for me. I hope you continue to check in with us. This is a safe place. These are your people. We all get it. And we all encourage one another. Hoping and praying that you will continue to improve in your circumstances and your healing. Best wishes to you and thank you for dropping in.

Thank you. I look forward to looking on the site more and seeing where I can contribute. Thanks for the welcome.