Right now I am crying right into a slice of delicious chocolate cake. For a week now I been really upset about my approaching birthday. I kept obsessing over how no one will really acknowledge it, that my friends and SO are busy people, there won't be a party, that my family wont call me...
I've been seeing a therapist since October. I realized my childhood was so much more messed up than I initially thought. It's a weird feeling, seeing the mental image of your parents crumble and reveal that... neither of them were fit to raise children. It's not okay to be distant and not take part in your child's life. It's not okay to say "I'm so happy you were born" and next day slam your kid's head into the desk.
I cried a lot. My entire world fell apart. Everything was a lie. I missed both my parents terribly and felt like a reject.
But at least I started to understand why I thought about and did things in a certain way, why I stayed in an abusive relationship for years. I am messed up. 20+ years of my life is a trainwreck.
Yesterday I turned 26. That's 11 years with depression and anxiety. And well, PTSD too, so it seems.
My friends surprised me with a party. My SO, who told me he can't meet me because of work stuff was there too. I couldn't believe it. It felt... weird. Surreal.
I got drunk, came home and cried. I knew this was a good thing happening, and I should be happy, but I couldn't. Today after coming home from work I couldn't stop thinking and crying about how unfair the goddamn abuse was, how I didn't deserve it... how afraid I am that it will happen again.
I am seeing my therapist tomorrow, and I am curious if anyone has ever experienced something similar?
I've been seeing a therapist since October. I realized my childhood was so much more messed up than I initially thought. It's a weird feeling, seeing the mental image of your parents crumble and reveal that... neither of them were fit to raise children. It's not okay to be distant and not take part in your child's life. It's not okay to say "I'm so happy you were born" and next day slam your kid's head into the desk.
I cried a lot. My entire world fell apart. Everything was a lie. I missed both my parents terribly and felt like a reject.
But at least I started to understand why I thought about and did things in a certain way, why I stayed in an abusive relationship for years. I am messed up. 20+ years of my life is a trainwreck.
Yesterday I turned 26. That's 11 years with depression and anxiety. And well, PTSD too, so it seems.
My friends surprised me with a party. My SO, who told me he can't meet me because of work stuff was there too. I couldn't believe it. It felt... weird. Surreal.
I got drunk, came home and cried. I knew this was a good thing happening, and I should be happy, but I couldn't. Today after coming home from work I couldn't stop thinking and crying about how unfair the goddamn abuse was, how I didn't deserve it... how afraid I am that it will happen again.
I am seeing my therapist tomorrow, and I am curious if anyone has ever experienced something similar?
