Bitterness

[raven123]

Hashi, I just didn't get it. The reason I could fill out those books in a day is because I never know what I'm feeling. I don't know how, or really if I want to, get past intellectualizing everything. I liked the thinking parts of them--fighting negative self-talk. But, the emotional stuff I drew blanks on. I really don't think I've ever felt happy or felt love because I've always lived in survival mode.

Survival mode is 24/7 for me. I've always thought through everything because I have no clue how to feel through anything.

 

[Pencil]

Honestly, I've given up on a normal life. I've suffered so much damage and can't find help for all of it I just don't see a way out. I'm sure there is counseling and stuff to help but I have no access to it. The helpless part.

I do understand your frustration Raven

 

[Hashi]

I never know what I'm feeling.

Very confused by you saying this, when you talked about three feelings in your first post in this thread:

Why am I bitter? Because, honestly, I don't know what the f*ck to do to fix me. And, that makes me angry because I am helpless against it. It makes sense. I'm also jealous of others. Not bad jealousy, but jealous nobody loved me like that as a kid (or an adult).

I'm not saying it's easy, raven. I just don't think you're devoid of feelings, awareness, or the possibility of something better.

 

[raven123]

Hashi, I wish you luck. I appreciate you offering to help.

"Intellectualization works to reduce anxiety by thinking about events in a cold, clinical way. This defense mechanism allows us to avoid thinking about the stressful, emotional aspect of the situation and instead focus only on the intellectual component. For example, a person who has just been diagnosed with a terminal illness might focus on learning everything about the disease in order to avoid distress and remain distant from the reality of the situation."

When I was sick with my hyperthyroid, that was exactly what I did.

"Intellectualization is a 'flight into reason', where the person avoids uncomfortable emotions by focusing on facts and logic. The situation is treated as an interesting problem that engages the person on a rational basis, whilst the emotional aspects are completely ignored as being irrelevant."

DBT really doesn't teach you to stop intellectualizing that I can figure out. I've done that since 4/5 years old. I don't know any different. Am I over the losses? I finally figured, hey, help really isn't coming. I can continue to beat my head against the wall or say, f*ck it, it happened, nothing I can do about it. Nothing I can do to regain decades of lost time. Create the person I want to be and f*ck the past.

I screamed for help for years and it didn't matter. Or, should I say, I didn't matter. My needs definitely did not matter to the shrinks I had. They couldn't even bother themselves with creating a plan for me. They just used a screwed up and confused and hurting person for thirty pieces of silver. Heck, I should've slept with the 3 that just wanted sex. At least I would of got a few orgasms out of it. I AM NOT GONNA BE PUT IN THAT SITUATION AGAIN! PERIOD!

I helped a lot, a lot of people. Kept quit a few from blowing their brains out. But, when it came time for people to listen to me, no one was there. Not even the ones I paid fortunes. I'm sick of the game.

Now, if God wants to help me further, he knows where I live.

 

[Valentino]

I've noticed 2 strengths of yours raven123..

intellectualization and very passionate anger/rage/frustration.

Going to extremes can have it's pitfalls, but if used properly, they can be an extremely useful tool.

I see intellectualization as a great way to be objective and rational. This is very important when your nervous system is exhausted and emotions are clouding your judgement. It is very useful to filter out BS and get to what's real and true for you at that moment.

The downside of it, as you already know, is that it can also be a great way to avoid life, numb yourself, or dissociate from your emotions. It can be quite useful as a temporary defense mechanism or coping strategy. But as a standard all the time life strategy and approach, it can make life feel very hallow and empty, and also it can be quite energetically draining to the nervous system.

You need to discover some place or way when you can let your guard down, rest and recover, relax.... being stuck in survival mode 24/7 may be an over-reliance with defense mechanisms, avoidance techniques, numbing strategies, etc. Which seems to be the safest and most effective in the short term, it's just damn exhausting in the long term. The nervous system needs to rest, recover, digest.

Passionate rage/anger/frustration -

The reason why you are having trouble making sense of your feelings is because rage has a way of covering up or masking other lighter emotions. It's a great attention getter, it's an emotion that calls for action and total attention. So it's quite normal to be totally enveloped and overtaken by rage (anger, frustration, bitterness, resentment)... Within that rage is information, insights and wisdom. There are very important messages that your body, nervous system, and subconscious is trying to share with you, in high priority, with such intense passionate emotions. With varieties of anger it typically is trying to tell you that a boundary has been crossed or broken. The anger is trying to point out a recent place of vulnerability from a broken boundary that wasn't honored or protected. The lesson to be learned is to act to protect your boundary, understand what happened , look at any injuries you received, protect yourself, and then tend to the wounds and heal up.

There is great energy that can be harnessed through passionate emotions.

..... but there is also a downside with anger and rage.. they also can be over-used as a life strategy instead of a temporary defense mechanism or coping strategy.... anger is an empowered variation of hurt, pain and vulnerability, in a life or death situation, we can't be focusing on our hurt, we have to act to defend ourselves or run away to safety (fight or flight).. Anger gives us that boost of energy to do that.... BUT it also naturally distracts us from acknowledging our pain and hurt, so it can be very easy to just hide in variations of anger, and avoid 'negative' or 'weak' type feelings of hurt, pain, vulnerability, helplessness, hopelessness, etc. So most people take anger and then add some story of blame, to project that anger towards something external..... then it turns into resentment (anger towards person(s)) or bitterness (anger towards life, god, self, unknown)... that's a great way to avoid the underlying pain, hurt and vulnerability; but it leaves you trapped with that pain, because it's now projected towards something outside of you, then it becomes like an emotional cancer, eating away your insides. Ultimately to heal, that pain inside of you needs to be addressed.

..... just sharing my opinions, wish I could have made it more concise.. it's still difficult talking about this stuff.. I can feel my arms and shoulders trembling now...

 

[raven123]

Valentino, Thank you for the response. I'm sorry you had a difficult time writing it.

You said, "You need to discover some place or way when you can let your guard down, rest and recover, relax.... being stuck in survival mode 24/7..."

It's easy to say that but I have no clue how to do that. I never seem to get a break in life to rest, relax and recover. :(

 

[Valentino]

hmm..... I know it sounds easy to say, and might sound a bit dismissive or impractical....

I was quite obsessive for years exploring different therapies, psychology, spirituality, energy healing, fitness, wellness, diet, exercise, etc.. All to try to address my needs and get some recovery....

But, I can't really pinpoint and simplify things into easy to do and accomplish bite size pieces that everyone seems to want to hear.... It's really seems to require a bit of self-exploration into the unknown and then through lots of mistakes you discover what sort of works, and eventually things start getting better......

I have found grounding to be quite useful and important tool for me, it's also the chat room topic for Saturday (I'll be busy for that meeting)....

One particular grounding technique that I've found useful is conscious breathing... there are a ton of different techniques and methods and therapies for breathing to list..... but scientifically.... breathing allows us to manipulate the ANS (Autonomic Nervous System) to switch from Sympathetic Nervous system (fight or flight response) to Parasympathetic Nervous system (rest and digest response).

When the ANS is in Sympathetic mode, heart rate goes up, tension is increased, digestion is slowed, anxiety is increase.... Parasympathetic mode is relaxed blood flow, slower heart rate, enhanced digestion, calming, relaxing, and recovery feelings.

Something as simple as a mental focus on slowing your breathing along with taking more deeper full breaths can really sooth your nervous system. For example, if you time your breaths and count 15 breaths a minute, simply work towards 10 breaths a minute.. I have gotten good enough to get down to 2-3 relaxed breaths a minute if I'm in the right state.. Supposedly some qigong masters can get down to 1 breath in a minute or even 1 breath in 2 minutes, but that's really heavy duty experts....

There's even a breath control electronic device that's certified for blood pressure management... it's just a gadget that tries to slow down the breath to 6-10 breaths a minute...

...... so as a simple start for grounding and creating a safe place.... you can try to do a few minutes of slow deep focused relaxed breathing every day. If it works for you, you can explore spending more time or learning other techniques....

if breathing doesn't work for you, you can explore other grounding techniques.... very physical exercise.... getting a massage... a hot shower... dancing and singing along to loud music... eating a heavy meal... basically anything that gets you more feeling your physical body.... preferably also something that helps trigger your ANS to go from Sympathetic to Parasympathetic mode...

 

[Pencil]

I never seem to get a break in life to rest, relax and recover.

Raven, it was Einstein who said 'imagination is everything'.

Try something: If you had a magic wand, and you could get what you really need right now (I'm not talking about imagining being the richest person in the world, with 20 beautiful wives kind of crap), the one thing that will help you break out of this deadlock, what would that be?

Just indulge me here, don't knock the idea of using your imagination. It was, after all, imagination that delivered relativity theory to the world.

 

[raven123]

I had panic attacks all night last night. Felt like I couldn't breathe. Never had them that bad. I'm pretty sore from them, too.

 

[raven123]

Pencil, Honestly, I feel like "healing" is a big lie that is sold to many of us. I'm sure there is a lot of people like me that are forgotten because we simply can't afford "therapy". Isn't it nice how they push it like it is so easy to get? LOL Hate to say it, but I think "the-rapy" is chock full of scam artists anyway. I am sick of reading the books on this crap, including the psychology textbooks, and finding few answers and long-winded horseshit theories and new buzzwords.

 

[Philippa]

There are a lot of therapist that aren't really balanced in themselves, and they can cause more harm than good anyway, but if you can find a good one then it can help someone who is receptive to that help. It is expensive, but you can't expect therapists to do it for nothing. Some do choose to do it for a reduced price, via community centres, so you can try that option if you don't have the means, but I hear what you are saying, and I've gone for years without therapy when I really needed help, specifically because I had no money to pay for it and couldn't work because of the state I was in. It's a common situation I think.

You can paint, and do your own art therapy, if you have some supplies, or a little bit of money to invest in some basic colors and paper, brushes etc.. It really helps me and a lot of other people. We are our own healers...no one else can do the work for us. Therapists are there to assist that process, but in the end, we heal ourselves.

 

[Pencil]

Raven

I agree with you on the fact that therapy is expensive, and only for the lucky ones who can afford it. I spent 10 years of my life saying I found the very notion of therapy 'abhorrent'. And don't get me started on the 'scam artists'. One, 10 years ago, had me cutting myself to ribbons.

But then things changed, due to a chain of events, and I am now 'kind of' in therapy (a long story) with a therapist I can't afford at the moment. But between my inability to afford her, and the crap I give her, she remains solid, sturdy, sensitive and attentive. So I think I have found someone who has the ability to help me overcome my relational problems.

So what do you think would help you to heal, if it is not therapy? Not everybody is into therapy, some find healing in religion, others in ... oh, I don't know - extreme sports, helping others, frequenting the pub, etc. What would help you? And it really helps to think as if you have a magic wand, in other words, you are not bound by obstacles such as money, access, location, etc. (The point is to get your right brain going and not have your left brain impose logic). It also helps you to really go inside yourself. It will also help you to identify where the problem lies. I, for instance, have had my (un)fair share of trauma, but it is the attachment and relational difficulties I have as a result that have far greater impact on my daily life and my ability to move forward in relationships, in a career - in all areas of my life. And therefor I had to be clear before I even started therapy about what it was I wanted. I knew that tools and techniques - that others find extremely useful - would be wasted on me. So, when I asked what the one thing would be that would really help me, it was simply someone who could stick it out with me and remain there through all the fear and anger and stupidity.

But perhaps therapy really isn't for you. So what do you think it would be?

I once looked at one of those very forgettable self-help books about finding your north star, or something like that. It was the same old stuff, BUT, the author said something about how to identify our true passion in life: It is the thing we are embarrassed about. Sounds like nonsense at first, but it isn't. The point I am trying to make is that, similarly, you/I/we might have difficulty identifying that one thing we need to make us heal. I suspect it is the thing that will make you want to cry. I don't think you're nearly as cynical and bitter as you come across. And please forgive me if you think I'm patronising you.

Give it a go Raven.