Relationship Blindsided, what next?

[toddga]

Well, this pretty much spells out my relationship with my beloved girlfriend. Her ex was physically abusive, I had no idea the ramifications it would have on us. I felt that I was a great boyfriend, successful, loving, caring willing to go the extra mile to listen and be attentive. After a wonderful weekend I left her house on Monday morning to start my work week, we discussed that she might come to my town later than evening, instead, I call her and hear that she has a lot to deal with right now and she doesn't know "if she can get there"... I have no idea what this means. Over the next few weeks, I only get sparse responses to my texts and somewhat aloof partial phrases. Within a 24 hour period following that call, I had a friend commit suicide, I proceed to text her and let her know what I was dealing with and all I got was "I'm so sorry". Finally after a couple of weeks, we have a "good" conversation and agree to meet the next evening. When we saw each other it was like everything was fine, I spent the night and we felt super close.

I told her I would give her space and we would see each other the next weekend, either an over night or whatever. She asked if I was going to stay and that she wanted me too. Later that evening as I crawl in bed, she came and told me that her daughters were coming home and their grandmother was really sick from the virus and she was not comfortable with me there. The daughters are college age. I quickly got up and grabbed my things and said "you don't need a boyfriend" and left. I didnt hear from her the next day, nor the day after. She blamed me for being "mean" and said she didnt want to talk about it. She has admitted the PTSD thing and how it affects her. We had a good conversation when I went to get my things a few days ago. Since I have not heard from her, but she asked if we could still maybe go to the beach, but she didnt want to hold me back and she felt terrible.

I'm sure all this sounds way to familiar. This was a person I was talking about marrying and we discussed very serious matters. I had visited her parents. Out of no where, I'm out and I don't even get a "hey, how are you?" or "how's your day". Should I just quit pursuing all together and give her that space or touch base and let her know I'm here. It's very confusing and as much as I can say I can move on and I've been very strong through all of this, it's hard to just abandon the relationship and her. I told her I would help her through and would support her in a healthy way. Where do I go from here? I don't want to be a doormat, but I don't want to abandon someone I care so deeply about and had so many hopes and dreams. Any thoughts suggestions? T

 

[blackemerald1]

I don't see anything inherently ptsd is her behaviour.

Obviously she wants some space & also unfortunately she doesn't want her daughters seeing you in her house? If she has disclosed her relationship with you to family then perhaps she's told them something further?

It seems you've had some good conversations about the relationship with her and still she is asking for space and time.

I can understand why you wanted comfort following the suicide of your friend but since then it seems she wants more space again.

How old is the relationship? There are many reasons why relationships falter and sometimes fail. It's not always ptsd.

 

[toddga]

I don't see anything inherently ptsd is her behaviour.

Obviously she wants some space & also unfortunately she doesn't want her daughters seeing you in her house? If she has disclosed her relationship with you to family then perhaps she's told them something further?

It seems you've had some good conversations about the relationship with her and still she is asking for space and time.

I can understand why you wanted comfort following the suicide of your friend but since then it seems she wants more space again.

How old is the relationship? There are many reasons why relationships falter and sometimes fail. It's not always ptsd.

We started dating in November. She has been divorced for 18 months. Her ex physically abused her by punching, head butting and pushing her down the stair case twice. Finally to protect her girls, she left. She is still very much afraid of this man who she says suffers from Narcisstic personality disorder. PTSD never even occurred to me until she mentioned it. She says she does not know if she can have emotional intimacy. I agree relationships falter for many reasons, I've just never been in one where things were great and then they stonewall you and tell you they can't talk or handle conflict. She called me 3X per day and then radio silence. She told me I was her best friend.

 

[blackemerald1]

She is still very much afraid of this man who she says suffers from Narcisstic personality disorder.

^Remember you are only getting her version of the story. I'm fairly sure he wouldn't have been diagnosed with that disorder & if so, it doesn't necessarily mean that is why he was violent. But violent he was & she's fortunate to have terminated that relationship for whatever reason.

PTSD never even occurred to me until she mentioned it.

^Has she been diagnosed and treated for ptsd? I hope she's getting help. That's her responsibility not yours.

She says she does not know if she can have emotional intimacy. I

^And there you have it. The punchline. Everything hot and heavy in November and very much on the back burner not even six months later.

Your statements about her being a likely life long partner etc., are just a little bit premature no matter how you feel. Maybe she's backing off because she's just left one relationship and isn't ready for the full on obligations that another relationship needs? Idk.. but she is telling you she's not ready. For your own sake listen.

never been in one where things were great and then they stonewall you and tell you they can't talk or handle conflict.

^This is a very young relationship with a woman who is now adjusting to life without violence in her life.

She told me I was her best friend.

^I know you feel lost & confused and I'm so sorry that you feel this way. Try to rebuild you own life, give her all the space she asks for because that's being a good friend.

I don't know what a best friend is. If it confers some type of exclusivity over her & what she does then for your own comfort and health try not to pin her down with statements made in the glow of a new relationship.

You will not be 'abandoning' (your words) by giving her space.

 

[dcb2410]

Well, this pretty much spells out my relationship with my beloved girlfriend. Her ex was physically abusive, I had no idea the ramifications it would have on us. I felt that I was a great boyfriend, successful, loving, caring willing to go the extra mile to listen and be attentive. After a wonderful weekend I left her house on Monday morning to start my work week, we discussed that she might come to my town later than evening, instead, I call her and hear that she has a lot to deal with right now and she doesn't know "if she can get there"... I have no idea what this means. Over the next few weeks, I only get sparse responses to my texts and somewhat aloof partial phrases. Within a 24 hour period following that call, I had a friend commit suicide, I proceed to text her and let her know what I was dealing with and all I got was "I'm so sorry". Finally after a couple of weeks, we have a "good" conversation and agree to meet the next evening. When we saw each other it was like everything was fine, I spent the night and we felt super close.

I told her I would give her space and we would see each other the next weekend, either an over night or whatever. She asked if I was going to stay and that she wanted me too. Later that evening as I crawl in bed, she came and told me that her daughters were coming home and their grandmother was really sick from the virus and she was not comfortable with me there. The daughters are college age. I quickly got up and grabbed my things and said "you don't need a boyfriend" and left. I didnt hear from her the next day, nor the day after. She blamed me for being "mean" and said she didnt want to talk about it. She has admitted the PTSD thing and how it affects her. We had a good conversation when I went to get my things a few days ago. Since I have not heard from her, but she asked if we could still maybe go to the beach, but she didnt want to hold me back and she felt terrible.

I'm sure all this sounds way to familiar. This was a person I was talking about marrying and we discussed very serious matters. I had visited her parents. Out of no where, I'm out and I don't even get a "hey, how are you?" or "how's your day". Should I just quit pursuing all together and give her that space or touch base and let her know I'm here. It's very confusing and as much as I can say I can move on and I've been very strong through all of this, it's hard to just abandon the relationship and her. I told her I would help her through and would support her in a healthy way. Where do I go from here? I don't want to be a doormat, but I don't want to abandon someone I care so deeply about and had so many hopes and dreams. Any thoughts suggestions? T

I understand where you are coming from. I’d suggest just giving some space.

 

[joeylittle]

This thread has been moved to Supporter Discussion for a better fit, @toddga.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Honestly, I would leave her be.

Whether it’s PTSD or not? Who knows? The results are the same either way.

This was a very new relationship... usually after a few months the honeymoon phase ends and reality starts creeping in. During the honeymoon phase it’s all love all the time and everybody is on their best behavior. Once people get comfortable they relax and show their true natures. It could be PTSD flaring up. This may just be the real her, as opposed to her having some kind of mental health issue. She may not be feeling it any more for any number of reasons. That happens. That’s dating. Sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn’t.

I’d stop pursuing her. She’s asked for space and doesn’t thing she can emotionally connect with you. I’d stop contacting her. If she comes around after a little space, wonderful. If not, I’d cut my losses, grieve the relationship, and move on.

 

[toddga]

Thank you all so much for your thoughts. I value every point you made and appreciate it all so much. I guess it's just hard to let go and that's my problem. Thanks, Todd

 

[dcb2410]

Thank you all so much for your thoughts. I value every point you made and appreciate it all so much. I guess it's just hard to let go and that's my problem. Thanks, Todd

Been there and understand

 

[Justmehere]

She has daughters home from college and a sick contagious elderly family member on the way, you were morning a big loss... both of you dealing with a lot.

I quickly got up and grabbed my things and said "you don't need a boyfriend" and left.

Could have been PTSD or could have been other factors. Didn't seem like a complete shutdown, but rather that she didn't sound ready to have you stay overnight with her daughters and sick (contagious?) family member there. It didn't seem like she wanted the relationship to end, but you went there with it, clearly hurt. Seemed more like she just wasn't ready to take it to the level of staying overnight with family in the house. Ya know, grandmas be grandmas and all.

I didnt hear from her the next day, nor the day after. She blamed me for being "mean" and said she didnt want to talk about it. She has admitted the PTSD thing and how it affects her. We had a good conversation when I went to get my things a few days ago. Since I have not heard from her, but she asked if we could still maybe go to the beach, but she didnt want to hold me back and she felt terrible

She asked to go to the beach? Sounds like she identified you wanted to go faster than she was comfortable doing. She again didn't express a desire to end the relationship but also was respecting her own need to go at a pace that might be slower than you are ok with in the relationship. But also sounds like this pattern brought up a lot more for her and you both realizing that she isn't in the place to be in the kind of relationship you need and want in life.

Sounds like you both figured out that you need different things out of the relationship, and thankfully figured it out pretty early on. I agree with others. Good to respect her request for space. I hope the pain of this relationship not working out eases up soon.