Body Flashbacks That Feel Incredibly Real!

[FindingMyself88]

This has been an awful week. My depression has slowly been worsening and so my psychiatrist put me on a new antidepressant but the few days I've tried taking it, it is like it doubles my depression which puts me on the edge holding on my the tips of my fingers. One day I tried so hard to go to class but I ended up puking from anxiety and then laying curled up in the bathroom floor with my dog crying my eyes out.

Then I was suppose to see my T today and she is sick. Her office overbooks her so I won't be able to see her or talk to her this week at all.

My nightmares have been increasing. Some are PTSD nightmares and some are just weird. But this morning I woke up and felt like I had been... molested or raped again. It can't be real because no one was home with me last night and my stepdad wouldn't do anything like that anyways. So it has to be body flashbacks, but I can't seem to snap out of it. I've had these very briefly before while in therapy or during a full flashback, but not like this. Its incredibly triggering and I have to make it to school to take a test today :(.

I am totally at my wits end today. Has anyone had body flashbacks that lingered like this? If so how did you get out of them???

 

[desiderata310]

Yes, and it's difficult. I've tried everything for running to cold showers.
Most of the time it has been a matter of 'riding it out' and constantly reminding myself I am safe.

 

[sun seeker]

Ouch. Don't know if I have much advice but it sounds awful.

You say your therapist isn't available, but it does sound like you need some help ASAP. Can you contact the psychiatrist and tell her there is an emergency? Tell her just what you told us, that

but the few days I've tried taking it, it is like it doubles my depression which puts me on the edge holding on my the tips of my fingers. One day I tried so hard to go to class but I ended up puking from anxiety and then laying curled up in the bathroom floor with my dog crying my eyes out.

What is the antidepressant you are starting?

 

[FindingMyself88]

Can't run- just got diagnosed with asthma, showers are a trigger. I'm trying to read as a distraction.

@sun seeker my psychiatrist is only in office on Mondays and Fridays. So I basically can't get any help until Friday or next Tuesday.

I did contact the Psych OT that I've stayed in contact with since being admitted twice into the psych hospital. She talked with me for a bit. I didn't tell her about flashbacks but about the depression.

 

[sun seeker]

So I basically can't get any help until Friday or next Tuesday.

Arrggh... maddening! Rotten timing.

If it gets to where "holding on by the tips of your fingers" becomes suicidal, don't hesitate to go to the ER. I'm sure you know that, but I had to say it. I'm glad you are able to read enough to distract you.

 

[FindingMyself88]

@sun seeker yeah it always seems to happen at bad times. Our last session was pretty light and it was like literally that night that everything hit the fan.

Thank you. I don't believe I will get that far. I've had some ideation but no real thoughts. My dogs are my reason for living and they both stick very close to me.

 

[AnnaLost]

@FindingMyself88 I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know exactly what you mean about the flashbacks being so physically real. That was most of my spring and summer, almost nightly. My entire body felt like I had been beaten and molested.

I'm sorry I don't have a good answer. For me, I pounded my way through each day as best I could, took a lot of Ativan, then drank a lot of caffeine, watched a lot of Netflix and took a shit ton of showers. I was scared to fall asleep for months and I never felt clean.

It's a little better now, nightmares instead of flashbacks, and I can fall asleep for a few hours at a time. My advice is to ride through it the best you know how, be gentle with yourself and don't get hung up on what you "should" or "shouldn't" be doing according to others. Hang in there. Stay in therapy. It does dissipate, eventually.

 

[FindingMyself88]

and don't get hung up on what you "should" or "shouldn't" be doing according to others.

That's the hard part for me. I'm so judgmental of myself. I couldn't sleep last night between the flashbacks, severe back pain, and asthma. I had to miss class this morning just so I would have the energy for my test this afternoon.

 

[deer_in_headlights]

Good luck, this afternoon! I'll be thinking of you! I wish I could walk with you to class, but I'll be with you in thought and heart.

A number of things help me with flashbacks.
The best one is grounding, getting present, because the flashbacks are all about the past, and anxiety is all about the future. If you're in the present moment, your thinking is clear, you have safety and calm.

T's helped me practice looking around and saying, "I'm safe, nothing bad is happening to me right this moment. I'm safe..." (Repeat, repeat, repeat and you eventually see that this is true.)

I also like using my senses to counteract memory-sensations. Some of mine include: looking closely at the intricate beauty of flowers. The designs, colors, fragrance all are lovely and override the evil.
Watching clouds, hugging trees, petting animals and playing with them, becoming aware of breathing and gently feeling the air bringing oxygen and life, reading something uplifting or funny, watching a funny movie, (eating chocolate :woot::D)...

:hug: Deer

 

[FindingMyself88]

Thank you @deer_in_headlights :hug:. I planned on taking my service dog in training but he's got major case of puppy brain today and don't want him disturbing during the test.

Yeah those normally work for me. But this one like I KNEW I was in the present, but my body didn't. So it was hard to tell my body that. I basically had to distract from feeling which looked like reading and watching netflix and playing with my dogs. Today is a bit better as far as the flashbacks, but I am just exhausted. About to take my pup for a walk to see if that helps.

 

[deer_in_headlights]

Good for you! You're making good choices! My heart aches for you - I've had some really, really bad ones, like you describe. (It's hell on earth...) I wish I had seen your post, yesterday, to sit with you, to listen, to be with you, to help you escape the grip they had on you...

I'm so glad you're feeling better, that you're self-nurturing - that's exactly the right and best thing! :hug:
Please don't worry about your test. However you do on it, you'll be O.K. You really will be O.K..
If you can practice being safe, going to class, sitting in the classroom, working on the test, you are safe, you are safe, you are safe. If you feel anxious, you are safe.... Then really treat yourself, afterwards:hug:
You are safe....

 

[shimmerz]

But this one like I KNEW I was in the present, but my body didn't. So it was hard to tell my body that.

Super sour or hot candies helped my body 'know' that it was in the here and now. Something that full on bombarded my senses.