Body-focused Repetitive Behaviors

[Powder]

This is an area of shame because it's so hard to control. It's hard to even notice if I'm doing this. Until about 10 years ago, I would have to rock my body in order to relax enough to fall asleep. Sometimes I would wake up and notice I was already rocking in my sleep.

I haven't noticed that in years, so I think that means I feel safer in my bed. No more abuse for many years now.

I either impulsively twist up and ruin my hair a lot, or I pick at my lips until they bleed. I haven't cared and have let myself twist up my hair this week and my lips got a nice break. It seems I have to do one or the other. It's not hardly a choice. Why this BFRB is very active is unclear at this time.

Does anyone with PTSD notice if their impulses relate to the trauma or if they relate to current life stress and if trauma therapy helps. I don't suspect that for everyone there is a traumatic origin to BFRB, but I do believe that there is in a majority of cases or at least that the anxiety has a cause.

I used to have eating disorders, which rarely come back, also. I feel like all of this is somehow related to coping techniques I developed living trapped and growing up in an abusive and frightening home with no safe place.

 

[LittleMrsAntisocial]

I can't say that I have BFRB, but when my anxiety and PTSD flare, I definitely have to like pick at stuff on my body or pull some hair out. I've been known to scratch my legs so hard that they bleed. So I would say from that standpoint that it's pretty normal

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I feel like all of this is somehow related to coping techniques I developed living trapped and growing up in an abusive and frightening home with no safe place.

I did as well & i also had no safe place (including school).

I had to look BRFB as so not to include something not included in it but it seems to just be a form of self harm (im a cutter) that seems a bit less conscience.

So going off the list i found in wikipedia, i bite my nails but i think thats more of a daily stress plus the massive anxiety i have.

I also bite the inside of my mouth in places where i cant cut but have the massive urge to; trama based.

It seems to me that what you're desibing is trauma based. By the way, i rock myself in the day time and f*ck those that care. Ive done it while waiting for my therapist, at work, in doctor offices waiting for something that i know i have to take off my clothes and be touched (especially now that my MD is female!). Its a self soothing behavior that helps to lower my anxiety.

What I do to get myself to sleep, which isnt really any different that rocking (which ive done as well at the same time) and its a never stopped behavior as far back as i can remember is to suck my thumb. I was terribly ashasmed to type that on here for the first time but others here seem to understand so i dont think you should be ashamed of it.

For me i have to use my left hand (free hand) rub something soft, i hold a teddy bear, sometimes rock myself and i very much know its my child self coming out (whom i can feel more in the day now after the recent blame shift).

Its something i can remember doing to self soothe after the bad things happened and night time TERRIFIES me. So its something i never stopped and probably wont for a long time as i have a long way to go.

Im sure thats what the rocking is/was.

The rest i see as a form of unconscience self harm and also trauma based likely and likely done due to anxiety felt in an attempt the lower it.

I also re-do the rituals done & punishments done to me; i grew up in a cult headed by my mom & step dad. Not unconscience but very much an impulse.

Im sure most trauma survivors have an impulse both related to trauma and to ease daily stress.

 

[Powder]

Thank you @lostforgottensoul It's sad but also helpful to feel understood. I'm sorry school didn't help you either. For me school was scary for a while but ended up being an outlet where I eventually felt safe. Unfortunately, nobody there noticed the abuse or took overt action, they helped educate me to where I was mentally stronger and able to set boundaries with my abusers. I think that my parents felt pressure by their kids going to school to do better at least for appearance sake.

I have always either been going to school or working in one. Not until this year did I realize that this is likely a safety-seeking impulse as well for my inner children or an impulse that never shut off from the past. I'm not sure if I'd get worse PTSD if I didn't have school in my life in some form as a safety compulsion.

In other words, when I look at the body focused repetitive behaviors and also other repetition in my life, there are other things, using food, closets, talking to a friend, and other things that I have done compulsively to try to feel safe, since childhood.

About cutting, I wonder if it has similar origins. If a knife was ever used to threaten and/ or harm.
I have recently remembered a near suicide attempt as a 6 year old. I took the biggest knife from the kitchen with the intent to plunge it through my heart. This came as a flashback accompanied by suicidal depression and hopelessness feelings, which I am still dealing with on a daily basis. I'm also experiencing anxiety as chest pain panic attacks. But I want to clarify that I do not think that I stabbed myself at all at this point. I think it was the fear of the pain that I'm feeling perhaps?

I had at various times ran for that particular knife if afraid. I remember feeling more powerful if I could get it if I needed it. In some flashbacks I grab that knife to feel safe or once, to threaten harm to myself, while an alter took over control. I have no memory of using it to fight off a perp. I do remember having to grab a nearby rock to fight off my mom from drowning my sister and I in the river. It worked. I later used rocks or carried heavy things when I was afraid. I can see the origins of these subconscious decisions now.

So this turned to cooking later, and I love to chop and cook fresh veggies. This is all part of going back and seeing the origins of associations with objects in the environment and what things they trigger that has been unconscious for me for 38 years.

In these ways, some of their power over me can be diminished. But if I cannot see the connection, it is more difficult, especially with phobias.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I'm sorry school didn't help you either. For me school was scary for a while but ended up being an outlet where I eventually felt safe. Unfortunately, nobody there noticed the abuse or took overt action, they helped educate me to where I was mentally stronger and able to set boundaries with my abusers. I think that my parents felt pressure by their kids going to school to do better at least for appearance sake.

First you are very welcome! :hug:

Im so glad that you at least had school & that they were able to help in what sounds like a big way, even if they didnt take notice. Setting boundries is something thats so very important, then and now! Im just learning how to set boundries at 34. Its hard so im so happy you had that!

I was bullied in school pretty bad in elementry, middle, & high school and had just 1 or 2 friends if any at all. My parents had good 'world faces' so theres very few times school took notice of anything. But school was a place still i tried to stay longer in, it was the better of the two...until i later found the christian youth center in high school & spent a ton of time there helping out in the office & stuff.

I have recently remembered a near suicide attempt as a 6 year old. I took the biggest knife from the kitchen with the intent to plunge it through my heart. This came as a flashback accompanied by suicidal depression and hopelessness feelings, which I am still dealing with on a daily basis.

I'm also experiencing anxiety as chest pain panic attacks. But I want to clarify that I do not think that I stabbed myself at all at this point. I think it was the fear of the pain that I'm feeling perhaps?

Perhaps. I have MASSIVE anxiety & i rarely know why, though my therapist says its the past in general. If it helps, i found an app for anxiety called What's Up (i have an android & there are others for both android & iphone, just search anxiety). I combined one of the brething exersizes with one of metaphors that helpes the best & i can normally stop the anxiety but if its in the 'red zone' it doesnt work so because i have massive anxiety i also take an anxiety med.

Hope that helps some! :hug:

My first sucide attempt i was 8 (that i can remember anyway, it sad that a 6 or 8 yr old even knows what that is!) I jumped off the roof of our house. We lived in a 1 story house so i didnt even hurt myself (i guess thats the mind of an 8 yr old) but it was very much my intention, so its the first one counted by me.

I think about suicide every day and have since, not always fully suicidal of course, but later when i was 14 my mom gave me a loaded gun & begged me to commit suicide and i find myself wishing i would of and feeling rather hopeless.

This site helps though, there are a ton of caring people here!

I have no memory of using it to fight off a perp. I do remember having to grab a nearby rock to fight off my mom from drowning my sister and I in the river. It worked. I later used rocks or carried heavy things when I was afraid. I can see the origins of these subconscious decisions now.

So this turned to cooking later, and I love to chop and cook fresh veggies. This is all part of going back and seeing the origins of associations with objects in the environment and what things they trigger that has been unconscious for me for 38 years.

Saving your sister was SO brave of you, but im sorry you had to! Im also very happy to see it turned into something good for you! Thats awesome!

I never used a knife on my abusers either but had a plan to when i was 14; had a murder suicide plan. Have no clue if i could of gone through with it but then again i had gotten 'good' at killing small animals which was forced so a knife was fitting i suppose. I had never wanted to hurt anyone, ever, especially my own mom but i was told a ton of lies that i very much believed so i guess in my 14 yr old mind it was the only way out.

I slept with a knife under my pillow but never used it. Its a common dream, or even sometimes a day dream that i did used it and then was taken away and raised the remainder of the time in a good home. I feel bad saying that cuz i never want anyone but myself hurt.

I took the same thing used to hurt me (and kill small animals) and now hurt/punish myself. So i guess thats my connection to an object? Not good but working on it.

In these ways, some of their power over me can be diminished. But if I cannot see the connection, it is more difficult, especially with phobias.

Thats what its about, taking power back, right? And you did that, thats awesome!

You give me hope that maybe one day i can turn the knife away from myself and on something else like that!

 

[Powder]

I'm so sad to hear that you jumped off the roof. That was the very same compulsion I had and why I went on anxiety meds in the first place, 4 years ago. I think that's just what kids think of that they can try. :( I agree, it's hard to realize that life can be so hard for a kid that they'd attempt suicide.

I think your mom was horrible doing that. My dad just bought me a gun on my 21st and he knew I was suicidal and on SSRIs for depression. I thought that was bad enough. Your mom was way worse in that moment.

Yeah, I saved my sister's life, but she was 3 at the time. She actually never understood clearly what happened. She was asleep and then she misunderstood my life-saving work as part of the problem, perhaps.

The one thing I've learned is how good kids are at deleting their parent out of the trauma memory so that they can go on living under that roof. At least in my family, where the parents did a confusing mix of good and bad.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

The one thing I've learned is how good kids are at deleting their parent out of the trauma memory so that they can go on living under that roof. At least in my family, where the parents did a confusing mix of good and bad.

I agree, i carried full blame for my past for 34 yrs, which just shifted a week and a half ago (massive MASSIVE pain while it shifted over, i felt the full weight of my past while it shifted i think). Before that i would have a drop fight taking up for my mom & step dad and also claimed (still do sorta) thay my step dad was my 'first love'. Its quite confusing to say the least!

 

[Powder]

When you say massive pain, was it also physical?

I'm having body memory pain, which has always been really bad physical pain.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

When you say massive pain, was it also physical?

Sorry it took so long to answer this; it got buried; i wasnt ignoring it.

When the blame was shifting (which is trying really hard to shift back) i was curled up in the fetal postion in my easy chair that i sleep in throwing up in a garbage can. It was more of exteme mental pain that made me sick and i hope its the worse that im gonna have to feel.

I do have a ton of physical things that go long with my mental states but its hard to know what physical pain its causing cuz i have chronic pain anyway but my pain is worse when my physical pain is bad.

 

[Powder]

I know what you mean by the shifting the blame around. That is a nauseating feeling, physically, emotionally, mentally. It is one of the worst undertow feelings that I've had, too. I hope that you hit something deep and don't have to revisit that anytime soon.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Thanks. My therapist today said that i am already dealing with really deep things, but try to make it feel 'lighter' to deal with it. He said that the entire tone of my poetry is changing.

It was like that blame shift was me feeling the full weight of my past as it moved over (its how it felt anyway) & i hope to god thats the highest concentration of pain im gonna have to go through.

I do have flashbacks that has physical pain thats a bit obvious because of its location. Also i'll have pain in my neck or arms which isnt normal. So i do deal with that but the remainder of my body is already in pain so its just hard to know.

I do know that if im in more pain than usual (its better & worse some days as it is) but it does seem my 'normal' pain is way worse on days where mental state is not ok and so i know my pain is worse due to my mental state.

I usually notice it more after a flashback though. Havent found an answer to it but while google for the same topic for someone, i found what helps a flashback in general can help that. Not sure though as i never thought of 'fixing' that, as after a flashback im in a mindstate of 'i deserve the pain' so i never thought of it as a problem really let alone to fix it.