Body Memories And "hearing" Memories

[Hashi]

I wondered if other people sometimes mistake body memories for current discomfort or health problems? I find that often a small ache or pain in real life will trigger a severe body memory, but because of the original cause I think it's something happening in the present. Sometimes I think i need to see a doctor or even call an ambulance, the pain's so bad.

I realise this has just happened again. A few days ago I had to do a lot of walking and going up and down stairs, and my legs ached a little that night. Then that got worse and worse until yesterday I could hardly walk. I've been rushing around for a work deadline and didn't let myself stop and be quiet. When I finally did last night, I thought about how illogical it was for the pain to get so bad instead of going away, and how upsetting it was because it reminded me of something that happened during the trauma, and I finally realised it was a body memory. This morning the pain was gone, as if it had just wanted me to hear and acknowledge it.

I'm also getting a lot of "hearing" memories at the moment. There's probably a proper name for them - I mean that in my head I suddenly hear a sound that isn't a present sound in the room but was a sound from the trauma. They're really loud and unnerving. I rarely mistake them for something in the room, though. I've done that a couple of times and it's so scary. Luckily, though, I usually know they're only in my head.

Does anyone else have trouble knowing what's happening in the present and what's a sensory trauma memory?

 

[Meadowsweet]

I think possibly. I get sensations when I have waves of near panic. But I'm not sure if that is how my body is feeling the stress response, or body memories.

I can't conciously remember physical sensations or being in pain with memories of abuse. I remember what I could see with my eyes or hear, and I remember some of the thoughts that came into my mind during experiences. But I have no idea how it felt on my body at the time.

So I guess the memory of feeling must be in there somewhere.

I think you're doing really well recognising the connection.

 

[Jen93]

For me, I get body memories in my shoulder. My thirteen year old self was manipulated however into thinking that it was a regular occurrence for all British children and that she was just fitting in and being helped by the teachers-thinking that she was finally fitting in and being accepted, and they tricked her into thinking this- and that it wasn't bad.

I'm somewhat aware of it- but still somewhat in denial for the most part because of my thirteen year old self. I will sometimes think (for the most part actually) that it's just a pain in my shoulder that is hurting enough to make me cry- and that I need Advil to stop it from hurting. But another part knows that I can't fool myself anymore- if I'm getting this strong of a reaction- and have been for the past year- It MUST have been true or else it wouldn't hurt so bad. That's the part of me that says I need stronger medication from my psych.

The physical right here and now- is just at a stalemate and not doing anything for it- I don't want to somehow poison myself or take something I don't need.

As for the "hearing sound" that's a flashback. It could be a sentence, it could be a couple minutes of conversation- It is not a visual flashback, but an auditory one. Ground yourself, and remain calm. (Although it seems to me like you're doing okay in that)

And talk to your therapist and/or psychiatrist about it. Don't talk to your regular one, because it is not real- it's psychological pain that just seems real.

 

[maddog]

Currently experiencing a whole new world of physical memories that is very foreign to me. I think I'm in the process of recovering some memories of past abuse that I have been previously unaware of.

Currently they're not well formed and are very fragmented, but they are occurring almost every time I sleep and frequently as waking flashbacks as well. Almost without exception, every time I experience one of the relevant nightmares or flashbacks, they are accompanied by almost intolerable nausea and stomach pain and a whole raft of other intermittent symptoms such as sweating, uncontrollable shaking, shivering, hot/cold sweating, sharp brief fevers, thundering headaches etc. In other words, I frequently think I am experiencing some sort of horrendous medical emergency, only to discover that the physical symptoms tend to ease in conjunction with the psychological and emotional distress and to re-emerge in tandem with them the next time I go through the cycle.

It is the terrible abdominal pain and paralysing nausea that are the worst and most consistent. Truly I feel as though I am being ripped in half and am almost unable to move while they are at their worst. It is honestly one of the most horrifically painful and distressing physical experiences I can recall, and I have no idea yet if the experience of such pain and discomfort is related in some way to the almost-remembered event(s), or if it is simply indicative of the fact that the memory is very distressing.

I had no idea that this could be so enormous and so real, and while I suppose it's possible that there really is something physiological going on with me, I actually doubt it.

I truly, deeply empathise with anyone who experiences this sort of thing. As if the horror of the psychological experience isn't enough...

Maddog

 

[shell]

The pain I felt after a processed a memory in therapy was so bad that I could barely walk. The day after I spoke about it, I woke up and the pain in my the back of my legs and back was unbelievable. It lasted for 4 days, it was exactly located where she beat me.

Since then I been so scared of talking about memories, I'm scared of allowing myself to feel the emotion because I'm scared I will be in so much pain, not just emotionally, and relive the physical pain for several days.

What's funny I didn't even recall the pain as I spoke about the memory, but after thinking back, it seem logical that it must have hurt at the time, because the beating lasted for about 1/2 hour.

I get numbness in my legs, especially thighs, that comes and goes. If I'm not numbing my emotions, I'm numbing my body, at the moment it has become a focus of my treatment. I was receiving medical treatment for it, that didn't respond, but after recalling the rape it's possibly not from the damage to my back, but rather a body memory. The numbness and pain I have doesn't have the normal characteristic's that would be associated with the disc problems I have according to my physio. He doesn't know I have PTSD.

Now I just ignore my pain, if it lasts for weeks I do something about it. It's hard to determine what's real pain, that needs treatment or the the pain that I will just grin and bare. I'm grew up being used to ignoring pain, so for me, I just wait it out. If it's there for 2 weeks and I feel ill as well, I seek medical advice.

The pain is a very large part of my flashbacks, as is me hearing music from when I was raped.

 

[Anna]

Sometimes when I get anxious I get a tingling or stinging sensation in my scar tissue. Is truly bizarre.

 

[Chincho]

I get body memories of my abuse all the time. They appear wheneverr they feel like it and leave me feeling dirty and unable to function for about 15 minutes.

 

[Lionheart]

After years and years of therapy and lots of success in healing, I still get body memories from time to time and they really suck! The worst ones come on suddenly, hit me when I'm out in public, and make me feel totally disgusted and disgusting. Thank goodness they don't last very long. I have had them nearly lay me out in the floor from the pain.

I also have COPD which causes me to have shortness of breath, but I was also nearly suffocated while being abused, so this too will cause me to gasp for air and have difficulty breathing. It is sometimes hard to tell which it is, but the emotional memories often come along with the symptoms and this is what tips me off to the fact that it is a body memory.

They have become less frequent over time, but I am still cautious when out in public for fear of having body memories that I can't hide.

 

[Hashi]

Chincho and Lionheart, I understand the reaction of feeling dirty or disgusting but this isn't ours to own. It can be so difficult to deal with the revulsion that comes with body memories though.

I'm nervous in public, too. I once got stuck at the end of a conference I was attending, unable to get up and leave because of the pain I was feeling. Luckily I was able to sit there - for about 45 minutes, before I could even stand up.

I'm also nervous out because I occasionally get body memory bruises suddenly appear and disappear, sometimes normal looking and sometimes a strange red colour, and even bleeding. A lot of revulsion with those... with all of it, but I try to see it as something being worked through, working it's way out of my system. For a while it can be so hard to realise what's going on.

 

[Zef]

Thanks all for posting. I'm going through what are probably early stages of recovering memories and I'm starting to have some minor dissociative symptoms; feeling like my body is smaller like when I was younger, some little stuff with my hands not really being a part of me.

It is comforting for me to hear of your experiences, even though I may not be able to describe exactly why yet. I guess it is because you all are providing me some insight on what I may be able to expect in the future if those symptoms get worse.

 

[babyfirefly301]

I feel like I could lose my mind any minute. I think I have been having body memories for years.

For years I have had unexplainable bruises, some kind of marks under my breast that look like cigarette burns and the doctors keep telling me it is folliculitis yet I have been on antibiotics several times and they never worked, it goes away sometimes but then comes back in the same spot.

It's getting worse, now I have what looks to be like a snake bite in the crook of my arm that stings, some purplish red rash on my neck, neck pain, constant unexplained colds, leg pains, feet pains and scratch marks all over me, sometimes I feel like there are bugs crawling all over me and I have scratched myself until I started bleeding. To top it off I am now completely paranoid that the illuminati is after me and i had never even heard of the illuminati before. Everything has also become a trigger for me, I can't even isolate in bed because the bed is now a trigger.

 

[Bedbug]

I occasionally get body memory bruises suddenly appear and disappear, sometimes normal looking and sometimes a strange red colour, and even bleeding.

For years I attributed my bruises to the tri-cyclic antidepressant nortriptyline which I took for migraines. I haven't taken it for 18 months and yet I still had unexplained bruises. Since recovering my memories late last year, these bruises have gone (I am just left with self-inflicted ones :cautious:). So many other physical problems have disappeared as well. I hadn't thought of the bruises as body memories but, now that I have "seen" what happened to me, they make sense.

I can't conciously remember physical sensations or being in pain with memories of abuse. I remember what I could see with my eyes or hear, and I remember some of the thoughts that came into my mind during experiences. But I have no idea how it felt on my body at the time. So I guess the memory of feeling must be in there somewhere.

I can relate to this. I have written a lot on here lately about how I feel like I am just about to become reacquainted with the memory of feeling.

I have a sense of being in some sort of "waiting room" on my journey. The somatisation has finished. The re-experiencing of feeling (both physical and emotional) is likely to be the next stage.

@babyfirefly301, I am so sorry you are in so much pain right now. I wish I could say something that would help. Please take care of yourself.