Body Memories And "hearing" Memories

[Meadowsweet]

The re-experiencing of feeling (both physical and emotional) is likely to be the next stage.

Perhaps. But if the feeling wasn't felt during the experience, then it simply isn't in the memory. I have had a flashback of the pain felt in childhood abuse. But I have never felt pain during the violence of adulthood abuse. I believe this is because I dissociate at the time, and so I didn't feel pain during the event.

 

[Hashi]

if the feeling wasn't felt during the experience, then it simply isn't in the memory.

It may not be in the conscious memory at the moment, but it's held in the body/central nervous system. We did feel it at the time, even if dissociated - our brains just didn't let us know that we were feeling it.

I've found this to be true with all my perceptions. There was something about one of my traumas that I completely edited out of it even at the time, but on some level I had realised it and this came back to me later. There's actual evidence of it, so I don't have to go round in circles of doubt.

I haven't had to remember all the feelings I blocked out, physical or otherwise. Thankfully a lot of those things have been processed unconsciously while I processed other things. However, I have remembered some. The fact that I was dissociated at the time hasn't stopped them from surfacing as and when they needed to (and I was ready).

 

[Hashi]

Everything has also become a trigger for me, I can't even isolate in bed because the bed is now a trigger.

Are you seeing a trauma therapist who can help you with grounding and coping skills? It sounds like you're getting overwhelmed and can't keep the past out of the present. It's really, really hard when everything comes up - what we need most is ways to contain things. Do you have a therapist who's helping you to do that?

 

[Powder]

Hashi, I agree. My T. said if I re-experience a trauma memory, and if I dissociated at the time, I will dissociate the same when reliving the memory. She says people often think they are dissociating in the present in response to the pain of the memory (new d.) but that the d. is actually "part of the memory itself" and the experiences that were numbed by d. are stored in other places. Sometimes we get just those, and out of context, they don't make a whole lot of sense until they are reunited with their memory.

 

[Powder]

Flashbacks can be solely sensation/touch or hearing or seeing.

I get those mostly, just hearing, like you said, Hashi. But then they have "pulled me" into the re-living more fully, like I am momentarily "back there" as if time traveling, which is not pleasant. This leads to a host of possible reactions, such as the stuff maddog cited, like somatic reactions/body memories and just feeling of pain and sickness so bad that 911 was called because it frightens people. I didn't know either if it was "real" and an emergency or not.

For me the baffling part is when this happens and the trigger moment is not known. For instance waking up to it, not knowing what set it off at all, or it happening so fast based on a thought or memory that came from somewhere other than my conscious mind, and I don't see it coming.

 

[yoshixvx]

I have conversion disorder and I think this is what you're getting at. During a flashback (or the fronting of a fragment), I get extreme l-side arm/shoulder pain, and my face contorts. My body is literally stuck in an emotional/physical flashback of being abused. I chased a solution within the medical system to justify what was happening, because it is very real and very distressing, but years later I understand it to be somatic and traumatic in origin.

As far as hearing "memories", yes I get this all the time. Not sure if it is related to PTSD or co-morbid issues, but I hear the voices of my abuser ALL the time - like a running commentary of flashback-induced trauma. Nothing makes it go away, I've just learned skills to cope with them in a minimally distressful way.

 

[Hashi]

@yoshixvx, have you tried a therapy that works specifically with the body (with someone experienced in trauma)? Such as craniosacral therapy (a somatic therapy) or body psychotherapy?

 

[yoshixvx]

@Hashi I have not.. hesitant to try anything body-based because I definitely do have triggers related to being physically touched. The only sensorimotor psychotherapy I've done is in a group setting, but not specifically done while in a flashback or to target those particular symptoms.

 

[Hashi]

Fair enough if you don't want to be touched. Sensorimotor psychotherapy - I think that's the same as body psychotherapy? I'm not clear how you do that in a group. I did body psychotherapy one to one - no touching, just talking with the therapist and... well, listening to, validating and talking with my body (sometimes with art, sometimes journal dialogues, sometimes with my therapist).

Something else I did which had a big effect was Tai Chi. It helped me in a lot of ways.