Body Memories

[kimba]

I had a breakthrough (I think) in therapy on Thursday. I had finally connected with one of my inner children (of the two or three I suspect i have). After writing down everything she told me she remembered of the sexual abuse I endured as 6-8 yr. old, I brought it to therapy and read it aloud.

I was thinking at the time that i could read it no problem because it "wasn't me" talking. What I didn't realise is that as I was reading I got tenser and tenser throughout my body. By the time I was done, I was so tense I didn't feel the chair under me and probably didn't need it. That was unexpected and my T said it was "body memories". I used a meditative rock she had in the office to squeeze out what energy I could from my tensed up muscles so I could move freely and relax.

I have been so physically relaxed ever since and I am trying to stay that way. It helps that I haven't had to go anywhere stressful since. I even slept without Unisom and slept ten hours which I knew I needed. No bad dreams either. Does anyone know how long this will last? What happens next- are the memories gone from my body now? I still haven't connected to the feelings with them.

 

[AngelaMarie]

I can't give you advice. However, I can say: Good job!!:tup:

 

[Complicated]

Congratulations! Its sounds like you did really well!

 

[kimba]

Back to "normal" today :( I was hoping the release of so much energy would somehow be a magical cure or something. Instead I had a very brief episode last night as I was falling asleep. My entire body tensed once briefly when the thought of part of one of the memories crossed my mind and that was it. I guess if I continue to avoid those memories and never get to the feelings that won't stop either? I am starting to feel more hopeless about all this with each new development. A month ago I didn't know about dissociation and body memories or whatever..

 

[Complicated]

Hi Kimba

I understand your dissapointment, but please dont be so hard on yourself. You took a huge step forward on Thursday and it will help in the end. I have been in therapy for two years now trying to deal with repressed memories and feelings. I also struggle alot with body memories and I know it is really soul destroying when you take a step forward and then go back to how things were. I know it is super hard, but you have managed to take a step forward and you should try to be proud of yourself for having the inner strength and courage to do that.

Sending you lots of hugs!

 

[kimba]

Thanks AngelaMarie and Complicated- trying to stay positive.

 

[angel2write]

My thought is that if you haven't connected with the emotions yet, you're only at the beginning of this process.

It's good that you are having this happen (even if it feels bad) because you are beginning to reconnect with parts of you that you sort of chopped off and isolated. But it's going to be a while before those parts are really at peace. Unfortunately, I'll have to tell you, it's probably going to get worse before it gets better, too. You disconnected because there was too much pain to handle. Now you're going to have to go through some of that pain.

The good news is you don't have to take too much at once. Do you know what I mean? You can sip at it, peck away at it. And when it's done, things WILL be better.

I'm about halfway through the process right now, I guess (it's hard to know for sure). I think I've about found all the memories, starting to experience the emotions, and starting to see that once the emotions are really re-experienced, that there is peace.

Wishing you peace & safety & sleep!
Angel

 

[kimba]

Thank you Angel.