Body memories

[Pauline]

hi so I'm 25 my trauma happened at 16 years old initially as a baby I was born with a heart condition I was in and out of hospital a lot seeing doctors and having surgeries my family life is pretty amazing but at 16 I had a severe episode of not being able to breath for three hours and I blacked out I was rushed to the hospital and when I woke up I had no memory of who I was and my siblings or friends ( I could remember their faces not who the young were) I also went into childlike regression and when I recovered I went back to school but was severely emotionally bullied and my childlike regression carried on

I've had other accidents since then but lately I have had these really bizarre feelings in my body that in my early childhood before I lost my memory ( I can remember now not being able to remember who my family was but I recognised their faces my flashbacks of memory loss ) that I was hurt extremely severely by someone or something this feeling is all over my body and then I get images of my dad possibly hurting me in some way but I love my dad so much or another feeling of doctors or a man hurting me or being in a really awful situation where I'm severely harmed and trapped.

I probably sound crazy but these body feelings are very strong and I want them to go away because I love my family and feel safe with them when I'm not going through this body state the doctors said I lost my memory because of my heart condition complication but I think something happened to me when I was very young and my memory loss was just a protection mechanism but I am not sure

I would really love some opinion on this because I am not seeing a therapist and I have no idea what to do I love my father and don't want to think of him that way ever it makes me cry and is very disturbing for me but I really think it is just my body trying to tell me something when I'm ready to feel it I would really appreciate the help X

Sorry if some of this isn't written well

 

[hodge]

I'm so sorry you're going through this, Pauline. I really, really urge you to find a therapist you can relate to. I just don't feel I can give an opinion, except that I'm so sorry you are feeling this way.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

Hey, Pauline, I'm with @hodge. It sounds like you may have buried something that traumatized you. Whatever that was, it will never leave you without professional help, preferably from a trauma therapist. If nothing else, you need to understand what happened.

Good luck with it! Remember, we're here for you if you need support. (((Pauline)))

 

[Pauline]

I don't have a therapist sadly at the moment.

I was born with a heart condition so I was in hospital a lot and half of me thinks something may have happened whilst I was there I don't have any flashbacks specifically just a really nagging gut feeling and my body feels like it's in a lot of pain like someone is hurting me and I have to hide away from something.

I had thoughts of my dad hurting me but they have recently faded and it's more to do with thoughts and images of being in hospital and being hurt but I am so confused and think my brain is just crazy and likes obsessing... I don't know but it would be really helpful to get some advice from someone who has been through something similar as I feel like this is a safe place to talk

I've looked up on sexual abuse healing and figured that eventually if I was harmed in some awful way that in time my body's will just let me know and I will have to face it but I don't know how to help myself now and to address these feelings so that I can get the answers I need I have a great relationship with my dad and family and actually feel very safe around them so it's making me cry and these feelings a very disturbing for me.

I would love some help

Thank you X

 

[digger]

@Pauline - I've merged your most recent post with this one as it is extra information/thoughts on the same issue.