Body Memory Or Anxiety?

[Powder]

BTW it is very interesting that you bring up the shower and after the shower your flashback started. For years I have been struggling with the shower and bathroom without knowing why. I would collapse physically after washing my hair. Since last week the bathroom issues -everything around my head; brushing teeth, brushing hair- became more and more prominent, and leading to today's session and processing the drowning attempt.

I hadn't considered that the shower water spraying was a trigger, but now I do. Also, I nearly ALWAYS shower in the morning, so at night was new. My mom tried to drown us at night in the rain. It was mega dark and raining hard while I was alone last night and even that was triggering to this trauma.

I already "know" what happened and have been processing the emotions, so I'm guessing there is more to it (the emotional-cognitive processing) to this one than first meets the eye. I cannot remember parts of actually being drowned, nor how it resolved, nor exactly the ways in which I fought back.

I got an image of grabbing a river rock and beating my mom on the head with it, but I don't know if I did that. I do know that I "willed" to kill her if necessary to save my sister and I.

This particular trauma is the only one in which I particularly recall feeling like killing someone. But I think what's actually lingering for me is the powerlessness and out of control-ness of not being able to fight while coughing and not able to breath.

Actually, I just saw my sister, who I was trying to save, which is how I got pulled down with them into the river. I still feel unable to "let go" of her with this traumatic bonding. And it bothers me that she still thinks it was "me" drowning her. I think that this won't pass until I tell her what I believe happened. But it will make her angry and she won't believe me.

 

[Born to Run]

That is a really unfortunate situation with your sister. Would it be an option to have a therapy session with your sister present?

 

[Powder]

That is a really unfortunate situation with your sister. Would it be an option to have a therapy session with your sister present?

Thank you for validating this for me. That is precisely my hope for the day, when it finally does arrive, when she's ready and actually requests this.

I'm trying to just be patient with her because she's "not there yet." Also, I'm trying to let go of her and stop the thought that I somehow am still responsible for her life. :)

You're right, though, that for my own mental health, there needs to be a definite "I NEVER tried to drown you" conversation soon. :) I'm honestly just not sure how to lovingly do that with her in her present state.

Similar to @shimmerz's sons who are in their 30s and still somewhat needy and dependently attached to the sociopathic/mentally abusive parent, my sister and brother are "flying monkeys" still to the toxic family.

Until they cut that cord, there's just not much I can do with/for them that wouldn't simply backfire, I suppose.

My husband and I have briefly talked about this and so far, we just can't figure out what will provide me with closure and not make things worse overall. I'm working on letting go, taking better care of myself and my body right now, and telling myself that I'm proud of myself for doing what I could to help her then, and now. :tup:

Do you think that's enough? I hope so. I've been having a hard time with this making me feel actually "ill" in body, so I'm working on it via a lifestyle makeover designed to get me back into a healthy body-mind to wait to tackle this when stronger. Hoping that makes sense. :hug:

 

[shimmerz]

In other words, I wonder if it's possible that this is new PTSD symptoms related to a new surfacing of a trauma. Has anyone experienced chronic breathing problems as part of PTSD body memories or flashbacks?

Yes. I am sorry, I haven't read the responses to this post as I am limping along today. I did want to answer your original question Muse as it played a very big role with me. My breath changed based on my states. It started (as far as I noticed it) with a few sessions with T-doc. I would walk out after a session and find myself breathing like a toddler who had cried WAY over her limit. That is when I realized that breath was completely tied in with state.

I then noticed that when I passed out, which I often did at that time, that my diaphragm would completely shut down. As I hit on more issues I found that my breathing changed to something that sounded like a fish out of water - gasping, stopping, gasping. Rinse and repeat. So embarrassing.

I didn't notice throat issues, but then again, I don't feel pain, but I did fall into states of mutism (sometimes for days at a time). Then the puking started.

In an attempt to have more control over my breathing I would try to regulate it - bring it back. This, by and large, has worked out really well. I noticed when I started to do this my flashbacks got really intense. I feel like my breathing was regulating itself in such a way that it would protect me from flashing in a way that was more than I could take.

so I'm working on it via a lifestyle makeover designed to get me back into a healthy body-mind to wait to tackle this when stronger. Hoping that makes sense.

It does to me Muse. Totally. I think this is a really good way of doing things. I often times use visualization to think of the 'flying monkeys' as you so aptly refer to them, as being an anchor around my neck. The anchor being the family dynamic. Let the others in your family carry the weight of the anchor, not yourself. Your husband sounds like a very supportive guy. I am really glad that you have him. :hug::hug:

 

[Born to Run]

I really like the expression 'flying monkeys', it is new to me. I understand your reasoning totally and wonder if you have faith in your sister cutting the cord with the toxic family anywhere in the near future. Otherwise, it will be such a forever waiting game, while for you it is important to get this out of your system. Many people never cut that cord. I think your current approach is very wise, like being proud of yourself of what you did to help her then and now. Still I wonder how it could make things worse for you by telling her. I mean it seems horrible to me if your sister believes you tried to drown her, while instead you saved her. Would writing it down make it more real to her? Is her present state something that will pass soon? Just thinking out loud. I have no siblings so I am no expert on this. It gave me a whole new perspective knowing since last week that my mother tried to drown me, and I am glad I know, as it explains a lot. I know here on the forum we are not 'flying monkeys' anymore, I suppose, and go for discovering the raw truth.

 

[Powder]

Thank you both, I'm so glad you posted what you did. I'll think some more on this. I do think the breathing helps diffuse the memories and keeps flashbacks at bay; that does make some kind of sense to me. I'm sure that the body has it's own tricks up its sleeve to stay on an even keel, even if it's not great all the time.

No, my sister is slowly surfacing stuff but keeps her dependency on the family, so I don't know if that cord will ever be cut; not with her enmeshed personality type, too codependent. She's practically the definition of that, so I worry not. :(

 

[shimmerz]

No, my sister is slowly surfacing stuff but keeps her dependency on the family,

Yes, so this is something that she cannot face at this time. Dependency really warps things out. I often wonder whether I should shout from the rooftops my version of the 'truth' to my family. There are two reasons I don't, not necessarily in this order.
1. They wouldn't believe me (because they can't due to the dependency issues)
2. If they did believe me it would possibly lead to a psychotic break or at least a horrendous trauma response

In their own time. I won't allow myself to be victimized about it and that changes my relationship with them. I need to be okay with that. Nobody is going to take care of me like - well, me. So I need to do that.

 

[Powder]

Yes! That's it exactly, @shimmerz!


And I don't want to be responsible for that. The reality is, that denial sets people up for some kind of delayed and horrendous reaction anyway, but I don't want to ensure it. You're completely right about balancing things so that those of us willing to deal with more of the reality, or those of us older who have had more time to think about life, can do that without impediment.

Taking care of yourself is exactly right. It's nobody else's job but mine for me and my body.