Boundaries and Support: Navigating a Struggling Friendship

[LucyLou]

I met up with my friend on Friday, she wanted me to go to hospital appt with her. The friend I have wrote about so much already We were supposed to go out on the 24th. I've told her I'm not going out now, since the last time we went out, it all went a bit wrong. She got a bit upset, how she was scared for me and she tried to get help from our other friend but she didn't answer, she didn't know what happened, she was sorry etc.....then she had to go into her appt and we just moved on to another topic when she came out. I dropped her home and she seemed fine.....then later in the day, she tried to ring me at just after 11pm, I was tired and had a headache and didn't want to listen to drama, so I ignored the call (which I feel horrible about now). Turns out she OD'd on painkillers and alcohol. Her neighbour must of been speaking to her because an ambulance turned up at her house. She was checked over as best they could but she refused to answer questions and flat out refused to go to the hospital too....she's started messaging me about how sh*t her life is, how it's sh*t that what she was planning on Friday didn't work etc. She won't accept help from anyone and she's sent another message "you're the only one I can trust" but it's so hard! She's taking too much from me but what am I supposed to do. She's completely on her own...and I guess I am too, which is why this is so hard. The only people that know the full extent of everything that has happened to me is her and my therapist! I'm having a difficult time myself right now and no therapy appt this week because we go away tomorrow

 

[Friday]

She's taking too much from me but what am I supposed to do. She's completely on her own...and I guess I am too, which is why this is so hard. The only people that know the full extent of everything that has happened to me is her and my therapist!

You don’t deserve to be taken hostage… and that’s what she’s doing, whether intentionally or “just” a byproduct of her mental illness.

1. Reach out to HER therapist. They won’t be able to tell you anything about your friend, but you can tell THEM that your friend is attempting to place not killing herself at your doorstep, and it’s too much. Especially after her last attempt (which her T very well may know nothing about). That’s too much responsibility for anyone to bear, on their own. If it wasn’t just you & her, maybe you and 3 friends could do a 24/7 suicide watch at home, allowing all of you time to sleep & work & have time off to protect your own sanity. But? That’s not the situation. You are one person. Who simply cannot stay awake & responsible for another person’s life 24/7 for however long this lasts for. It’s not physically posssible, no matter how badass you are. She needs help you cannot give. Her T is the only person in a position to be able to actually get your friend to see that, and take steps to get more support, willingly.

2. The next time your friend is actively suicidal, or is so swept up in ideation that she’s using you? Call 911/999/emergency services. (Unless when talking with her T, they give you another option to call for help/resources). Yes. Your friend will probably be furious with you. Because as long as you don’t get anyone else involved, she doesn’t have to do anything, but exactly what she’s been doing. Which is working well enough for her, she’s not doing anything different… but which is destroying you. And she doesn’t care. Because it’s working for her. And she is THAT far gone. If she actually does love/care about YOU? Once she’s doing better she’ll see. But she has to actually be doing better, first. Which means doing something different than she’s been doing. <<< This is an extremely difficult ask/action, to call for help, when someone else is asking for your help AND you know they’ll be angry with you. I have to ask myself what I care about more: That they live, or that they like me?