Boyfriend cancels last minute because of health

[Star76]

Hi,
so I have been with this guy since September and he cancels dates 50% of the time due to his health - he suffers with migraines and has ehlers danlos. He always cancels last minute and it makes me get so so disappointed and upset to the point that I cry solidly for about two hours. It hits on all of my insecurities. I know rationally that he is ill and can’t help it but my emotional brain kicks in and takes over. Due to childhood trauma that has Spanned most of my life him ditching me feels like another betrayal and abandonment. Just looking for another perspective and Thoughts that will help me when he cancels plans x

 

[Friday]

There’s really only 2 ways I see this going where both of you might could happy...

1. You use dating him to get over your shit. Outside of life or death situations you can only abandon kids & pets. You’re not a kid, or a pet, so he’s not abandoning you. He might be betraying you, but I can’t speak to that as it really depends on what your personal definition is, & what the 2 of you have agreed upon. Although, I would suggest, that any agreement that involves the other person never getting sick is doomed to failure, and an impossible standard to insist upon. Dating someone without chronic physical or mental health issues is not an impossible standard, it’s many many people’s baseline, and perfectly alright. All a matter of personality & personal preference. Which leads us to the next point.

2. You break up with him, because you’re not cut out to be dating someone with serious long term health issues. Not everyone is. The same way that not everyone is cut out for politics, or moving every 6 months to a new country, or spending years apart, or every day together. Dating isn’t just about figuring out if you like them personally, it’s also about finding out if your lives fit together. You know you’re doing pretty durn well in the dating thing when most of the people you break up with? Are totally awesome, badass, amazing people... that you care about, and respect, and Your life is better for having known them. It’s just your lives simply don’t work well together, because you need & want different things / want your life to go in a different direction than they want their life to go... rather than they’re an asshole.

 

[Butterfly64]

Hi,
so I have been with this guy since September and he cancels dates 50% of the time due to his health - he suffers with migraines and has ehlers danlos. He always cancels last minute and it makes me get so so disappointed and upset to the point that I cry solidly for about two hours. It hits on all of my insecurities. I know rationally that he is ill and can’t help it but my emotional brain kicks in and takes over. Due to childhood trauma that has Spanned most of my life him ditching me feels like another betrayal and abandonment. Just looking for another perspective and Thoughts that will help me when he cancels plans x

My sufferer does that as well. Apart from CPTSD he has chronic back pains due to multiple attacks he suffered when he could still work. After almost three years I have reached a point where I am actually surprised if he doesn’t cancel ? I can still get quite dissapointed when he cancels.
You have to be extremely patient if you want to stay with him and that is not always easy! Some times I just feel like shaking him really hard...like that would help ?

 

[Ronin]

I would make backup fun plans, were I you.

So going out with him becomes an option, with someone very loved, and cherished good times if it happens...

But not necessity leading to a crushing disappoint if it doesn't.

Adding the life with him to yours.
Instead of combining your lives to one or worse, ceding yours to his and his schedules.

 

[FauxLiz]

so I have been with this guy since September and he cancels dates 50% of the time due to his health - he suffers with migraines and has ehlers danlos.x

just a different perspective here, have you considered how much he might hate/dislike the fact that he has to cancel so often because of his health? I struggle with migraines as well actually diagnosed with “chronic DAILY migraines” and yes that means 20-25 a month and I do everything I can to be there in my case for my kids as I am not in a relationship right now but I have to cancel on them for things I can never make up for and it devastates me every time.

2. You break up with him, because you’re not cut out to be dating someone with serious long term health issues. Not everyone is.

@Friday has a good point here, not everyone is a good fit to be dating someone with a serious health issue and that is perfectly fine but that is something you need to decide, chances are his health issues are not going to magically go away so are you prepared to be in a relationship where the cancellations continue to happen because they will and like ptsd, migraines are what is called an invisible disability (yes it is considered disabling for some people) so he can look fine to the outside world and others have no idea how much pain he is really in right then.
Like I said different perspective take what resonates throw the rest away.

 

[Strangelongtrip]

I may have Ehlers Danlos (I've been referred to a doctor by my orthopedic....and a three year waitlist) and the pain I experience some days is excruciating. But every time I miss something I feel terrible too. I hate cancelling plans but I'm also always terrified I'm going to be in pain if I do too much (which I almost always am). I also know what it's like to feel that abandonment when someone cancels. I just try to repeat "It's not about you" in my head until those thoughts pass. The Four Agreements has some really good points on there that sort of helped me, along with a trauma therapist!