Hello all, I am questioning whether or not it is common for a sufferer(iraq vet) to be so simple in his likes and dislikes? I might seem shallow and insensitive,but I am far from that. I do take pride in who I am, how I dress, feeling and looking pretty/sexy for my man. As of late, as I'm getting to know my boyfriend better, it has dawned on me that he rarely compliments me, and doesn't appreciate me for who I really am or what I really like.I've told him how I feel about this, and his explanation is that he is a simple guy,and not into the "things" that I am and dat he's never really been exposed/used to it and just needs to learn how to appreciate it. This makes me feel like he's forcing himself to be with me and like me for who I really am. That its not genuine. This is one of several things that has me questioning our relationship. These things do bother me and has me inbetween wanting to break up with him and not. Please let me know what you guys think. Thanx.
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General Boyfriend Has PTSD-Is It Common To Be So Simple?
- Post starter Omi81
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This is hard...
This is hard for me to read. The more I read about caregivers and ex military sufferers of PTSD, the more common I realize my problems with my own husband were...but my circumstances took a serious turn for the worse.
Just think about what a soldier is for a minute. They are trained human beings to go into battle and control cold pieces of metal and hurt the enemy. It's not really their fault they have to fight...but all of the training changes a person, and then their friend dying and all for the battle. I sort of think of it as a form of abuse to the man himself. Most are really young and aren't quite sure what they have gotten into but they get addicted to the adrenaline rush. Some get in and just can't adjust to civilian life and so they never leave. It is a really complex issue. How do you train people to kill people they have never met for causes so far from them and then ask them to go home and be normal? I know not everyone is going to agree with me on this but it is my opinion and it comes from my experience, too.
I think my husband was trained in interrogation methods because whenever I opposed him or stood up for myself he would just wear me down with insults and redundant questioning until I would just wear out or give in. There was one day where he wouldn't come down after a fight for two whole days. We just woke up and screamed at each other. I would try to avoid him but it was like he just followed me around until we clashed. There was no way to console him. Even if I just took it all in silence and tried to just keep busy in another way he was just never relaxed or seemed comfortable. I started listening to his music, I stopped doing artwork, I didn't go out with any of my friends, I was afraid to talk to just people in stores or on the street because he was suspicious of everyone, especially males. When it got really bad he would accuse me of sleeping with all of the males we had met on the street and he would make racial and ethnic slurs, accusing me of sleeping with anything, etc, etc.
He said a lot of that stuff about being simple and needing to learn these new things over again. But he often said he was just too used to being told what to do. I got mixed signals. Was I supposed to tell him what to do to take the place of his superiors? Well, I didn't think so...so I tried to just make suggestions or explain what I liked and why. Then he would tell me I was smarter than him...well, I didn't really consider that, so I told him we just had different learning experiences. There was no way for me to console him and help him with the guilt he felt. He just wore me down until I left...and while he did not give me my initial PTSD...his behavior most certainly complicated it. Eventually I caught him lying about money and legal issues and when I would confront him with the truth he always had some kind of alibi...even though I had facts to confront him with...it was just insane. He physically abused me if I stood up to him too strongly and he would accuse me of pretending to be sick from my previous traumas to make his sickness seem less important than mine.
Let me know if any of this sounds familiar...
I really hope that it does not. My husband would not get help, so I really had to leave. And when I realized I had PTSD...after I left I began to see it more clearly...I knew I couldn't go back to him...no matter what...and the longer I was away...the more confused I realized I had been in the relationship and I didn't want to go back. I realized just how severe some military PTSD can get but I rationalized...if I had to get help why couldn't he?
Again, this is just my story...but maybe you found something in it to show you one way or the other where your story is on the scale of "possible or not possible" :think:
I have since decided to stay away from simple men or men that don't share similar interest as mine...or at the very least overlapping interests. I just can't do it after all of that. I don't want to have to work that hard to be friends with someone who claims to love me. And I've sworn off his type of music because I realized I forgot who I was by listening to it too long and giving in to "his needs".
:dontknow:
This is hard for me to read. The more I read about caregivers and ex military sufferers of PTSD, the more common I realize my problems with my own husband were...but my circumstances took a serious turn for the worse.
Just think about what a soldier is for a minute. They are trained human beings to go into battle and control cold pieces of metal and hurt the enemy. It's not really their fault they have to fight...but all of the training changes a person, and then their friend dying and all for the battle. I sort of think of it as a form of abuse to the man himself. Most are really young and aren't quite sure what they have gotten into but they get addicted to the adrenaline rush. Some get in and just can't adjust to civilian life and so they never leave. It is a really complex issue. How do you train people to kill people they have never met for causes so far from them and then ask them to go home and be normal? I know not everyone is going to agree with me on this but it is my opinion and it comes from my experience, too.
I think my husband was trained in interrogation methods because whenever I opposed him or stood up for myself he would just wear me down with insults and redundant questioning until I would just wear out or give in. There was one day where he wouldn't come down after a fight for two whole days. We just woke up and screamed at each other. I would try to avoid him but it was like he just followed me around until we clashed. There was no way to console him. Even if I just took it all in silence and tried to just keep busy in another way he was just never relaxed or seemed comfortable. I started listening to his music, I stopped doing artwork, I didn't go out with any of my friends, I was afraid to talk to just people in stores or on the street because he was suspicious of everyone, especially males. When it got really bad he would accuse me of sleeping with all of the males we had met on the street and he would make racial and ethnic slurs, accusing me of sleeping with anything, etc, etc.
He said a lot of that stuff about being simple and needing to learn these new things over again. But he often said he was just too used to being told what to do. I got mixed signals. Was I supposed to tell him what to do to take the place of his superiors? Well, I didn't think so...so I tried to just make suggestions or explain what I liked and why. Then he would tell me I was smarter than him...well, I didn't really consider that, so I told him we just had different learning experiences. There was no way for me to console him and help him with the guilt he felt. He just wore me down until I left...and while he did not give me my initial PTSD...his behavior most certainly complicated it. Eventually I caught him lying about money and legal issues and when I would confront him with the truth he always had some kind of alibi...even though I had facts to confront him with...it was just insane. He physically abused me if I stood up to him too strongly and he would accuse me of pretending to be sick from my previous traumas to make his sickness seem less important than mine.
Let me know if any of this sounds familiar...
I really hope that it does not. My husband would not get help, so I really had to leave. And when I realized I had PTSD...after I left I began to see it more clearly...I knew I couldn't go back to him...no matter what...and the longer I was away...the more confused I realized I had been in the relationship and I didn't want to go back. I realized just how severe some military PTSD can get but I rationalized...if I had to get help why couldn't he?
Again, this is just my story...but maybe you found something in it to show you one way or the other where your story is on the scale of "possible or not possible" :think:
I have since decided to stay away from simple men or men that don't share similar interest as mine...or at the very least overlapping interests. I just can't do it after all of that. I don't want to have to work that hard to be friends with someone who claims to love me. And I've sworn off his type of music because I realized I forgot who I was by listening to it too long and giving in to "his needs".
:dontknow:
These type of posts just show how much we are not understood. *sighs*
This really isn't about someone being simple (and that sounds rather insulting to call people with PTSD as simple.) It is about priorities. If you survive a traumatic event (which means you have lived through a life threatening event) you tend to see the world a bit differently. We prioritize. Is your hair, clothes and make-up as important as safety? No. We look for signs of danger, watch what people do, what is moving around us, listen for noises to alert us. Our minds are busy trying to keep us safe and fight off all the symptoms of PTSD at the same time.
I understand how nice it is to get compliments on how we look and that it can be important, but really those of us with PTSD (uncontrolled symptoms) just don't have time to focus on that because our brains are overloaded.
Look, if you need someone to compliment you on how you look and that is how you judge if someone is real and genuine, then just leave now. Your mind sets are way too far apart to ever meet in the middle.
I just have to say... what you wear and how you look is not who you are. It's actually a mask that you wear to present to the world. It is not the real you. The real you, is the person underneath. How you think, what you like, how you react. What you look like first thing in the morning, with your hair sticking straight up, what you are terrified of..etc.. Your looks are only the surface. What is underneath is what is really important.
bec
P.S. You don't sound insensitive, you sound very young.
This really isn't about someone being simple (and that sounds rather insulting to call people with PTSD as simple.) It is about priorities. If you survive a traumatic event (which means you have lived through a life threatening event) you tend to see the world a bit differently. We prioritize. Is your hair, clothes and make-up as important as safety? No. We look for signs of danger, watch what people do, what is moving around us, listen for noises to alert us. Our minds are busy trying to keep us safe and fight off all the symptoms of PTSD at the same time.
I understand how nice it is to get compliments on how we look and that it can be important, but really those of us with PTSD (uncontrolled symptoms) just don't have time to focus on that because our brains are overloaded.
Look, if you need someone to compliment you on how you look and that is how you judge if someone is real and genuine, then just leave now. Your mind sets are way too far apart to ever meet in the middle.
I just have to say... what you wear and how you look is not who you are. It's actually a mask that you wear to present to the world. It is not the real you. The real you, is the person underneath. How you think, what you like, how you react. What you look like first thing in the morning, with your hair sticking straight up, what you are terrified of..etc.. Your looks are only the surface. What is underneath is what is really important.
bec
P.S. You don't sound insensitive, you sound very young.
If by simple you mean his thinking is black and white then yes, its exactly the way PTSD sufferers behave. Its either good or bad.
As others have said his mind is probably full of what he thinks are far more important things.
Have a look at the information section here, there's a thread called, 'Unhelpful Thinking Styles'.
As others have said his mind is probably full of what he thinks are far more important things.
Have a look at the information section here, there's a thread called, 'Unhelpful Thinking Styles'.
ISupportHer
Diamond Member
Just a quick response that I see a similar "black and white" kind of thing at my house.
Just gotta say that I am learning that PTSD is PTSD. I think I wrote in my first posts that would only be focusing on reading about abuse PTSD. WRONG! There is info to be gleaned from everyone's experiences.
Anyway, off the soap box.
Black and white for sure. Very narrow margin for what is uncomfortable with any of the senses. Too loud, perfumes too strong, too cold or too hot, very specific taste likes and dislikes. Can't remember the specific but this was mentioned in one of the books I read that was written for partners of incest survivors.
It has increased my awareness and altered my habits. I put on my after shave, outside the bathroom, for example.
And I repeat myself from somewhere else, it's just uncanny how these books describe, and help explain, what I see and feel.
Not exactly what Omni and ANCHOR speak of maybe
Just gotta say that I am learning that PTSD is PTSD. I think I wrote in my first posts that would only be focusing on reading about abuse PTSD. WRONG! There is info to be gleaned from everyone's experiences.
Anyway, off the soap box.
Black and white for sure. Very narrow margin for what is uncomfortable with any of the senses. Too loud, perfumes too strong, too cold or too hot, very specific taste likes and dislikes. Can't remember the specific but this was mentioned in one of the books I read that was written for partners of incest survivors.
It has increased my awareness and altered my habits. I put on my after shave, outside the bathroom, for example.
And I repeat myself from somewhere else, it's just uncanny how these books describe, and help explain, what I see and feel.
Not exactly what Omni and ANCHOR speak of maybe
Hi Omi81,
When I saw the title of this thread...I did a doubletake....I am sure Omi81, you did not mean it in the way It sounded or the way I read it :)
Men and women with ptsd have major issues and different concerns and priorities then we have and most of these are not by their choice. As becvan says "the brain is overloaded"....and what might seem important to us....is not to them ! And you have to accept and respect it Omi81 :)
My exbf used to compliment me......but not always, but I never doubted his love for me and whether he said something or not was not a priority for me, he loved me and that is what was important. More then saying it, he would show it to me, often in cards.
My exbf was also forgetful....and many times would forget to call or do what he had promised to do.....Does that mean he didn't appreciate me ?....No, it meant his disorder sometimes made him forget.
So you have to figure out what is important for you.....have someone compliment you, so you as a woman feel better ? Or have someone besides you that loves you for who you are ! Remember also Omi....some men have a hard time giving compliments. ptsd or not....
Keep on taking pride in how you look and dress, for you !
Your boyfriend might not be able to compliment you....not because he doesn't want, but more because he can't always express himself.
Frankie
When I saw the title of this thread...I did a doubletake....I am sure Omi81, you did not mean it in the way It sounded or the way I read it :)
Men and women with ptsd have major issues and different concerns and priorities then we have and most of these are not by their choice. As becvan says "the brain is overloaded"....and what might seem important to us....is not to them ! And you have to accept and respect it Omi81 :)
My exbf used to compliment me......but not always, but I never doubted his love for me and whether he said something or not was not a priority for me, he loved me and that is what was important. More then saying it, he would show it to me, often in cards.
My exbf was also forgetful....and many times would forget to call or do what he had promised to do.....Does that mean he didn't appreciate me ?....No, it meant his disorder sometimes made him forget.
So you have to figure out what is important for you.....have someone compliment you, so you as a woman feel better ? Or have someone besides you that loves you for who you are ! Remember also Omi....some men have a hard time giving compliments. ptsd or not....
Keep on taking pride in how you look and dress, for you !
Your boyfriend might not be able to compliment you....not because he doesn't want, but more because he can't always express himself.
Frankie
Yes. Living with PTSD is all about Survival. It can take a long time and a lot of therapy to start to appreciate subtleties and details. That doesn't mean we're unintelligent. Sure, I find it hard to concentrate at times - who wouldn't when their mind is constantly re-playing past horrors? But I can still apply my intelligence on good days/good moments.
Have you spoken to him about what your relationship means to you, and asked what it means to him?
Have you spoken to him about what your relationship means to you, and asked what it means to him?
OMI81 I suspect your looking for more from your boyfriend then he can give. I have to agree with BECVAN
As women when our insecurities get the best of us and we tend to look to our significant other to make us feel better. You have to be confident in who you are and not rely on others to make you secure in who you are.
I lived with severe trauma as a child and thus tend to look at life a whole lot different. I don't care if someone has a new shiny purse, or a new hairdo. For me life with no chaos, no physical abuse, safe spaces and minimal anxiety is a good day. I can't speak for anyone else but for me having a house, supportive friends and family and a good job is more then I could ask for right now. I know if it wasn't for the devotion of my husband I might not be here today. I am learning everyday how to be effectionate, caring, complimentative and know I will never forget what happened but I can always be sure my husband would never give up on me. When BECVAN says (Brain overload) he's not exagerating. Heck I've forgotten my husband's birthday, anniversary and could not tell you how many times I've forgotten to pay the household bills. Simple is how I like it. Simple keeps me safe and trigger free. I wouldn't have it any other way.
As women when our insecurities get the best of us and we tend to look to our significant other to make us feel better. You have to be confident in who you are and not rely on others to make you secure in who you are.
amethist
VIP Member
This is the stress bucket thing where the small unimportant stress's get dumped so the big ones can be managed.
What i mean by this is the automatic stress we have all the time, like having to get out of bed, wash ,shower and all that stuff. Like complementing how some one looks or acts is not important to be mentioned.
My husband calls it All or Nothing With no half way point.
I hope this makes sense to you and i don't mean to sound harsh but you are going to have to get used to it, because it will be like this for a very long time with just hints of what yo are asking for in between.
Read up and learn its going to be a bumpy road.
Amethist
What i mean by this is the automatic stress we have all the time, like having to get out of bed, wash ,shower and all that stuff. Like complementing how some one looks or acts is not important to be mentioned.
My husband calls it All or Nothing With no half way point.
I hope this makes sense to you and i don't mean to sound harsh but you are going to have to get used to it, because it will be like this for a very long time with just hints of what yo are asking for in between.
Read up and learn its going to be a bumpy road.
Amethist
- Post starter
- #10
First i'd like to apologize to every sufferer and/or carer who i've offended by the title and content of this thread. I was not aware how I could have been percieved and realized that I was misunderstood due to my poor choice of words.
I am now aware of how the word "simple" could be offensive and taken out of content.
I truly do apologize.
I am now aware of how the word "simple" could be offensive and taken out of content.
I truly do apologize.
- Post starter
- #11
Thank you Anchor, I am sorry about what you went through, although I have not been physically abused, some of what you explained does fit in to my current situation. I too find myself giving in to a lot of his "likes" and am starting to feel like i'm losing myself. The constant arguing between us is mainly due to miscommunication, this is why I became a part of this forum, i am learning more everyday.
- Post starter
- #12
Thank you for you reply Frankie. You hit the nail on the head when you said that you think that "i didn't mean it that way." I sure didn't and I am really embarrassed as to how I was percieved.
This was more about my likes in general. I mentioned being complimented as ONE of the things, but not the ONLY thing. I am sure of myself and love myself for who I am and don't need a mans approval. Although it is nice, and I am used to it, it is not my main concern in this relationship. I have actually compromised myself in more ways than one and I didn't mind doing it.
It just recently started getting to the point where he would ask me, "what the hell are you wearing?" or I don't like this or that, when all along I been accepting him for who he is, its hard to hear that. He in a nutshell wants me to change who I am in order to be with him, in order for me to meet his family even.
so, when I mentioned him being so simple, it's because he described HIMSELF as that. Although most sufferers have more important things on their minds, why would my boyfriend be so concerned as to what I am wearing for him to ask "what the hell are you wearing" just because I am someone differnt than what he is used to(his words). Which is why I question his realness when it comes to why he really wants to be with me. My conclusion safety and security. Not because he loves everything about me, like I do about him.
Hopefully you all can understand me a little better, although there are other things, I tried to explain a little more of where I was coming from with this thread.
Thanks again.
This was more about my likes in general. I mentioned being complimented as ONE of the things, but not the ONLY thing. I am sure of myself and love myself for who I am and don't need a mans approval. Although it is nice, and I am used to it, it is not my main concern in this relationship. I have actually compromised myself in more ways than one and I didn't mind doing it.
It just recently started getting to the point where he would ask me, "what the hell are you wearing?" or I don't like this or that, when all along I been accepting him for who he is, its hard to hear that. He in a nutshell wants me to change who I am in order to be with him, in order for me to meet his family even.
so, when I mentioned him being so simple, it's because he described HIMSELF as that. Although most sufferers have more important things on their minds, why would my boyfriend be so concerned as to what I am wearing for him to ask "what the hell are you wearing" just because I am someone differnt than what he is used to(his words). Which is why I question his realness when it comes to why he really wants to be with me. My conclusion safety and security. Not because he loves everything about me, like I do about him.
Hopefully you all can understand me a little better, although there are other things, I tried to explain a little more of where I was coming from with this thread.
Thanks again.
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