Relationship boyfriend isolating

[asterisklegend]

Hello, first time poster. I'll try (and fail) to keep it brief.
My boyfriend was diagnosed with 100% disability PTSD, depression and anxiety after 10 years of service in the USMC. I met him right as he got out of the military, transitioning into civilian life, before a majority of his symptoms started showing up. He had a troubled childhood as well, and the VA doesn't diagnose CPTSD, and I am NOT about to diagnose him- but if anyone has insight into if this pattern reflects that more closely- I'm all ears. He has been a cop since getting out, and experiences burnout from this job- he plans to leave it soon, which I support because I can see how that job would be especially triggering and intense.

I'm here because I'm currently coping through his 2nd? 3rd? isolation period we've experienced together. We've been dating for over a year and a half*? After dating for 1 year, there was a bit of an onset of his symptoms. He was wonderful and loving for the year together, and opened up in some ways, but neither of us knew the extent of his PTSD, and he wasn't getting help for it, so I didn't know what I was getting into. About 6 months ago now (1 year into dating), he unexpectedly went to a VA psych hold, and inpatient care for multiple weeks. He let me know at the beginning that he was admitted for an episode (I didn't really know what episode meant at the time), but then went completely silent for 3 months. It was awful for me. I didn't know much about PTSD, and all I knew was that he has been admitted somewhere and was getting help. After months of silence, he finally reached back out with an apology, some more silence, and then slowly he then expressed that he was getting help, getting better, and wanted to get back together. And we did. And its been about 3 months of being back together.

He really did seem to be improving, he was more communicative of feeling off or down. We talked about how if that happened again, I'd need a system in place where I could visit him, and he agreed completely. And I started really taking seriously the PTSD of it all, reading up about it, and realizing that his "shutdown" wasn't personal. He just dissociates so hard and ignores EVERYONE. Family, best friends too. He also has some hyperactive tendencies expecially around unexpected house noises, and consistently has trouble sleeping.
Fast forward to today, about a week ago he went into another isolation period after a very stressful trip he took; items stolen, phone lost, family component etc. I went to see him because I was worried, despite worrying I'd look crazy, but I just needed to know he was safe. He opened up fully, letting me in, feeding me, hugging me, talking about what happened. Then he suddenly asked for a few days of space mid cuddle- which I accepted immediately. I was so thankful that he was able to ASK for space, and let me know it was happening, rather than just going completely silent. This was very eye-opening, as I really saw first hand that he didn't seem to be "ignoring me" he just was very overstimulated and was having a hard time just doing life. He was so gentle and kind even in that state. I feel guilty for needing to "see" it, but this is new for me, and he has never been able to explain his symptoms very well, or "warn me" in a sense- because its relatively new for him too.

A few days pass with silence, as I kind of expected, I would send one message a day- low pressure, "thinking of you" "hope youre sleeping well" etc, because my non-PTSD brain just wants him to know that I'm still here, I still care, I'm not asking for a response he can't give, but to me, these let him know he's not being abandoned.

He reached out casually a few days ago, saying he was out with his best friend, and asked me how my day was. I thought he might be coming out of the isolation. But then the past three days, nothing again. I won't go visit again because I don't want to cross any boundaries. I just have my own bit of trauma from the 3 month ghosting- every hour of additonal silence whispers that I have 0 clue if it will spiral into that again. He just feels immense guilt and shame and isolates in a dissociative "going through the motions" state. Again, he's extremely kind to me, and has never lashed out aggressively or in a mean way. It's also hard to know that he was able to see his best friend, but not me. I know that's probably not personal either, and there's also that military bond I'll never have, but it's weird to wrap my brain around, him being the only person I know with PTSD.

I get out and see friends, keep up with my hobbies, but it's hard. I want to suggest couples therapy once he feels normal again. But in the midst of silence, it feels like it will continue forever. I love him a lot, and I know the road is long and difficult for both of us, but as long as he'll have me, I'm happy to stay.

He stopped going to therapy recently, which I'd gently encouraged him to return a few weeks prior to this. I hope after this, it will encourage him to go back.

I started reading Complex PTSD- From surviving to thriving, because it touches on shutdowns and isolation. It's helping me take these moments as his nervous system shutdown, and not a personal rejection. But I'm not sure if I should be reading a regular ole PTSD book. Anyways- hope everyone is having good holidays. I don't know if I want advice, or just to be seen. Whatever reading this brings up for you, let me know. And if you made it this far, thanks :)

I guess if I have one question- it's that does a daily message of care, short, brief- help or harm? I can ask him myself once he feels normal-ish again, but for now, I don't want to encourage guilt by doing what I think is helpful, only to be harmful. To me, it's to show I'm not leaving just because he has dissociative isolation he can't control, but I don't know if to him, it just reads like guilt fodder and extra pressure.

 

[asterisklegend]

To add, when he reached out a few days ago- he said he missed me so much. Which is consistent to things he said after coming back to me after the long period of silence. The first time it was very confusing, because how can you miss me and ignore me. But I'm slowly getting that both things can exist for someone with PTSD.

 

[Movingforward10]

I know this is the supporter page and so there are specific rules.

I would say from my perspective that it's difficult to know if a daily message would be seen as helpful or as overwhelming. If I had said to someone "I need space", and then I get daily messages from them, I would be overwhelmed and it would be more for me to deal with when I don't already have any bandwidth to deal with myself.

Equally, if there is attachment trauma and I need constant reassurance, then having that by lots of messages might help. But also might make me feel guilty.


I wonder why daily messages? Maybe less frequent? Weekly? Every few days? What is the magic in daily?
Ultimately, he either trusts you are there or he doesn't (to be blunt and unnuanced about it, which may or may not be helpful).

It's really hard and maybe asking him is the best bet like you said you are thinking of doing after this isolation period? Maybe asking him now might help?

 

[nursenurse]

Just curious, why did he stop therapy? It may flavour some of the answers you receive.

 

[asterisklegend]

I know this is the supporter page and so there are specific rules.

I would say from my perspective that it's difficult to know if a daily message would be seen as helpful or as overwhelming. If I had said to someone "I need space", and then I get daily messages from them, I would be overwhelmed and it would be more for me to deal with when I don't already have any bandwidth to deal with myself.

Equally, if there is attachment trauma and I need constant reassurance, then having that by lots of messages might help. But also might make me feel guilty.


I wonder why daily messages? Maybe less frequent? Weekly? Every few days? What is the magic in daily?
Ultimately, he either trusts you are there or he doesn't (to be blunt and unnuanced about it, which may or may not be helpful).

It's really hard and maybe asking him is the best bet like you said you are thinking of doing after this isolation period? Maybe asking him now might help?

Blunt is good. And that's something I needed to read I think (he either trusts that im there or not), and only his return will give him another data point that I am in fact there. Nothing magic about daily- doing some more thinking, it's likely just me trying to soothe my own anxiety at a certain point. I think I will hold off in messages for a bit, i'm going to give myself another week and at that point I might reassess, send something with a request to just react to the message (to just make me not worry about his, uh, aliveness). Thanks for your response and attempt to respect the rules about supporter page- I realize my question is something specific to HIM and his experience, so asking for opinions is going to vary widely with different sufferer. I definitely suspect avoidant attachment, but its hard to know exactly when he has isolation tendencies which just read as avoidant anyways. Definitely planning to, in a calm moment in the future, have a discussion about a plan in place that works for both of us when this happens, should have probably happened sooner, but you live you learn.

 

[asterisklegend]

Just curious, why did he stop therapy? It may flavour some of the answers you receive.

Great question. I wish I had a better answer... Without assuming, because I definitely didn't ask the WHY directly, I'll just give context about me finding out, and I'll let people surmise what they will.

He only started going to therapy for ptsd for the first time after his inpatient "episode". He'd expressed it made him realize he needed to take it seriously, he hadn't before. Started medication, which they were actually going to switch him to a different one as of about a month and a half ago, which he seemed a bit frustrated by.

I know he had been attending a weekly session, but then about two weeks ago now, I asked how therapy was going. He seemed embarrassed to say that he'd stopped going a few weeks ago, so I presume it's been about a month. He followed up with he'd been talking more to a close friend of his who also has ptsd- who recently went back to school to get a psychology degree, and they spoke about journaling and some other techniques that resonate with him. I just said I think therapy is good and it might be good to go again, get all you can out of what uncle sam will pay for (a bit of a running joke between us).

He opened up in that moment about some more of his history, and in those moments, I don't like to press for more info, because he always divulges what hes comfortable with on his own time. I didn't ask the why, I think I figured I would just say what I said and then follow up later- at the time I didn't predict this current episode, so later will end up being quite a bit later.

He never went before all that because he didn't think it would help him. He felt like he could handle it himself. That other people had it worse, so he could just deal. What I'm realizing are typical responses of someone who probably should definitely go. My guess is he felt it wasn't actively "helping" and was just starting to feel burnt out again. But I'm not 100% sure unfortunately.

 

[user57098]

Hi. Looking for other military people to talk to. I "have respectful disagreements on an internet forum with the civilian approach" to this issue. There's nobody to talk to.

 

[parrotthepolly]

Hi. Looking for other military people to talk to. I "have respectful disagreements on an internet forum with the civilian approach" to this issue. There's nobody to talk to.

I agree and always thought with these posts that it's a one sided view so it can be difficult to tell who did what wrong.

There's a few vets here who were active in the last few weeks but maybe not everyone wants to chat. I suggest starting a thread if you know how, the right people will come along one day.