Relationship Boyfriend started loving me again, and now its gone..again!!

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

Hi everyone.

I posted on this forum a little over a month ago. My boyfriend has PTSD, due to a very traumatic experience. He also has General Anxiety Disorder which he was diagnosed with 10 years ago. Since his PTSD, he has found it hard to feel love for me (although we had approx 6 years previous to these which were amazing).

He often says he feels numb, "dead inside", feel no emotions, he gets flashbacks, nightmares, he's often anxious, he gets frustrated SO EASILY (he always used to be a very calm person), he gets annoyed and angry easily..There is so much more, but all and all he is a different person and it kills me.

He has said on many occasions, he can't handle the pressure of being in a relationship with me as he does not feel much for me and I still love him. He feels this way because I can't always keep my emotions in check, and sometimes I forget what he is going through so I guess I pressure him, and ask him questions like "how do you feel about me". When I do not get the answer I want, I get upset..and when I get upset, he gets upset and feels guilty. I kick myself for not being able to handle my feelings but its hard for me at times, I am still new to this!

About a little over a month ago, he took a break from our relationship because he couldnt handle the pressure of our relationship along with his horrible emotions caused by PTSD.
I kept myself calm and carried on speaking to him. We kept seeing each other, and I changed my attitude. I was very easy going. I kept being easy going for a while and things actually got sooo much better. He was being loving and affectionate again! We spent the holidays together and it was amazing. I felt like I got my old relationship back.

However...
I had to go and visit family for 5 days after everything got better, and since I have come back he is again, distant, cold...he broke up with me today again. I am in pieces. Part of me feels like I am the problem, that I am unlovable. Sometimes I feel like he picks faults in me!
What do I do? I am in absolute pieces. How do I handle this, is there something wrong with me? Is this behaviour common to ppl with ptsd?
Would appreciate help :(

 

[Supervixn]

Yeah this is common. Just give him space. When he's going off into this mode its probably because he needs space. However, a lot of us people with PTSD usually don't know that we need space until we cause a major conflict, when space is what we needed the entire time.

Just focus on you. Enjoy some time to yourself. After so many years together I'd bet he will come back. Some supporters on this site have been waiting for theirs to return since before Thanksgiving. You just gotta focus on you, either way. This kind of thing, as painful as it is, is common and likely ro occur again.

Don't beat yourself up, I heard some of that in your post. You're entitled to your emotions too and it's okay to have them. You needed confirmation of his love for you, that's not a terrible thing it just makes you a human being in a relationship with a person who seems to have trouble expressing it. I have cPTSD and am working hard to show people that I love them. It's just a part of this sometimes. You felt insecure, so? No biggie. Good luck, I hope you take this time to rest, love yourself and focus your energy on yourself. You deserve a break too sounds like

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

Thanks so much for your reply Supervixn.
I feel terrible. Sometimes he looks faults in me to validate why it isn’t working.
There’s nothing wrong in our relationship, we know eachother inside out. He feels like a family member, my own blood. I’ve known him for so many years and we have been through many things together.

Every time he breaks up with me (it’s happned before) he states he’s FRUSTRATED, and feels pressured by me because he does not feel much. And every time, he talks as if it’s so final. Why do you think he will come back?

I feel in pieces and don’t know who to turn to, my friends just thinks he is playing me along and it’s so hard to be in this situation.

 

[Deleted member 44240]

First I would like to welcome you @BoyfriendqwithPTSD . As mentioned earlier, my ex broke up with me back in September and we maintained our friendship, then I started noticing behavior change the week before Thanksgiving. Right before he ghosted, he broke up with me again with the most convoluted reason. Or course I was definitive initially because that’s a natural human reaction, however I’ve now learned that I should just let him speak and walk away from the irrational behavior. Since then, I’ve reached out several times with yesterday being the most recent. His reply is and has been, “all is forgiven, I don’t want to or talk to you now, it’s gonna be a while”: I try to read between the lines and deduce, “I’m not well, I can’t explain it, go on with life”. We were able to have some dialogue yesterday and he has now explained that he’s very upset with me for betraying him, and again, makes no sense. He knows I love him, and I believe he loves me, however he is not stable enough to show me the kind of love I should have at the moment. I also believe that he appreciates me reaching out, although he doesn’t reply most of the time; I believe it show them consistency (but not over do it) they still need space. I’m there with you with feelings being destroyed when he displays certain behaviors, but I’ve learned to not lead in with my feelings and to just be there as support with no expectations (like a platonic friend) and you’ll see differences. Give them the chance to lead things and be in charge. I’ve also learned to set boundaries; what you will and will not put up with, rather he walks away or not. Also, when he ghost/isolates, find time for me and maybe reach out on occasion. I hope this helps some; it’s all IMO and I’m a supporter like yourself.

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

Thank you for your support and reply.

I feel worthless in myself. How can he just leave? I’m so scared he won’t come back, I feel like breaking down. I feel so anxious, my whole body is nervous.

 

[Deleted member 44240]

First, I thought, he just needs a week to bring it back together. Then as time went on, I started feeling the same way you did. Oh no, he may not come back, why is he not responding to texts or answering calls? What did I do or say? Maybe he never really loved me? Give him some time and space and focus on you for a while. If you would like, reach out to him with loving and caring thoughts. He has to feel safe and accepted. He may or may not respond, but give him time. I feel your pain because I’m still experiencing some of it myself, but I may have hope, we’ll see. I hope you can make a break through.

Best wishes

 

[Supervixn]

Every time he breaks up with me (it’s happned before) he states he’s FRUSTRATED, and feels pressured by me because he does not feel much. And every time, he talks as if it’s so final. Why do you think he will come back?

Exactly. Im guilty of doing the same. I think the finality is a way to just have a sense of control over things. I felt I meant it in the moments but I loved my guy too much to truly mean it. He's much more level headed than I am so he recognized the pattern and called bs... politely. He reminds me how much we have and that it wasn't worth throwing away. I need that.

When I'm frustrated with something I need space from it to clear my mind. He doesn't feel much might mean he's more of an emotional number. Some with PTSD numb, some don't. And it wouldn't just apply to you, the numbing. It's very difficult and frustrating for those who numb. I'm the other end of the spectrum so I'm only speaking on what I've heard from others.

I think he might come back because I don't hear anything from your story that sounds like a "deal breaker"; no infidelity, nothing that sounds worth throwing a relationship away (just from what I've read here). Also, it sounds like a pattern of his. He has to learn a better way of asking for what he needs. He's forcing you on a rollercoaster by the breaking up "forever" and then getting back together. You need to have some boundaries when he returns. Because it sounds emotionally *exhausting*.

My advice still stands that you need to focus on you. Let him come back on his own and when he does, have some boundaries to protect yourself and the integrity of the relationship. It's going to be fine. If he returns or not, everything is going to be just fine.

After some space, if you dont hear from him, you could reach out and tell him you love him and care about him, that you recognize he needs space and will be respectful of that, but also state the importance of the relationship and how it's not time to put an end to it (if you agree with that statement of course). Let him know you'll be waiting whenever he is ready to try things again, but that you both need to go about it a different way because this is hurting both of you. You love him. I'm sure he loves you. This PTSD thing is a beast. It's hard.

Is he in therapy? PTSD goes a lot better with therapy. Either way... you need to be your own best friend and focus on what you need from a relationship. If it doesn't work out, you could be a wonderful friend to him given you have such intimate knowledge of his illness.

How could someone at the very least, NOT appreciate a person like you, who has shown love concern and genuine care despite all the ugliness of PTSD? You sound like a wonderful person. Good luck

 

[Justmehere]

I’m so sorry you are going through this. I can tell you really care for him. It’s so wonderful to be in a relationship where the other person feels like family.

Here’s and few thoughts as a supporter and a sufferer.

There’s nothing wrong in our relationship,

Acrually, there is a clear and consistent conflict in this relationship. (All couples have problems to work on, no one is perfect.

He wants distance. You want a higher level of intimacy. Neither of you are right or wrong. It’s a difference in what you both need, want, and are able to sustain. For him, closeness is hard to sustain. For you, distance and chronic endings is hard to sustain.

It might help to look up and read a little about avoidant attachment and preoccupied attachment. I’m not saying that either of you are attached that way, but some couples, even without PTSD, can get into this cycle where one person pushes for greater intimacy (which can be preoccupied attachment) and the other pulls away (because they are avoidant in their attachment style). The one I’ve who pushed for intimacy feels/is abandoned and pushes in more.... and the other person runs away even more...

Throw in PTSD and this cycle can go into hyperdrive.

He has said on many occasions, he can't handle the pressure of being in a relationship

He’s telling you what he can and can’t do. Pushing him to be more, isn’t working out. I think this is a time to really decide and be honest with yourself if this level of distance and chronic abandonment is something you can sustain. (Many people could not. I couldn’t. Some can sustain it, with support.)

There is another pattern. It seems like you define your self worth based on this relationship. That’s an easy thing to do. (I’ve done it.)

Part of me feels like I am the problem, that I am unlovable.

I can't always keep my emotions in check,

I kick myself for not being able to handle my feelings

I feel worthless in myself.

I feel like breaking down. I feel so anxious, my whole body is nervous.

These things, are not going to be solved by fixing this relationship. Even if he comes back, these core beliefs about yourself and low self worth are not something he can fix, just like you can’t fix his PTSD.

I wouldn’t plan your life as if he is coming back - that’s not really fair to either of you... but that being said, this relationship were to ever have a chance of working out, you would need to have the ability to really hang on to the TRUTH of who you are as a person: You are lovable. You are a worthy person. No matter what he does, these things are true.

The relationship of someone you have loved for a long time has ended, and you are understandably struggling and need support to get through this tough season. It’s great you have friends to talk to, the forum too. Have you thought about counseling? Not because anything is wrong with you, but because just about everyone needs support now and then and this is hard stuff to sort out and walk through.

 

[Supervixn]

I feel worthless in myself. How can he just leave? I’m so scared he won’t come back, I feel like breaking down. I feel so anxious, my whole body is nervous.

I strongly caution you not to "go there". You recognize it's his illness. What people do is generally more about themselves than anyone else. Focus on yourself and accepting that whatever will be, will be. You gotta be okay either way. You just have to.

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

Thanks Supervixn and BJ for the insight.

Its the finality of his statements that scare me. Every time I let my feelings get the best of me, he gets angry and frustrated. He feels a major sense of responsibility over MY happiness. He keeps stating how he just does not feel the love for me any more (it goes up and down, in an emotionally draining rollercoaster). It is indeed so exhausting.

He is starting therapy soon, just waiting for the appt to come through. He doesn't have much understanding of PTSD himself, he doesn't really go and learn about it. He has changed since the traumatic event, he gets so angry and frustrated SO easily. Its like he is a dead person walking around, I don't see any joy in him anymore.

He has had General Anxiety Disorder for many years. 10 years to be exact. Our 7 yr anniversary is coming up. I am not a perfect partner, I have flaws. But one thing I can is, I have given our relationship 200% and beyond. Him and I have become like family, we are extremely close. I am the ONLY person he feels safe with. He trusts me with his life. I have been through so many of his worst times in life, and I have been his backbone. Anxiety has not been easy for him, and I have held this man in my arms when he is crying. I have saved him from every dark hole he is about to enter, and done so Lovingly. I love him with all my heart, and every downfall has been worth it because I always knew..We had love. We share interests, we laugh together, we sing together, we are silly together, we cry together, we go through every hardship of life together. I have been by his side when he has been ill, when he hasn't done well financially, death of family, problems within his family, problems with friends or job...anything that has broken him apart, Ive been there! I have never cheated on him, lied or anything of that sort. When I say I love him, I really do with my heart and soul.

PTSD is the worst monster yet. I hope we get through it, even though right now I have spent the whole day crying, remembering his final words. Its killing me inside to know that maybe he won't come back. All the sufferers and supporters on this forum, I feel for you all so much!

 

[Hojay]

I hear you and how terrible you feel. This isn't just a run of the mill breakup. PTSD push/pulls or breakups never are. Aside from the devastation that being broken up with always leaves behind, what complicates it with PTSD is that sufferers often find a way (due to panic or irrational thinking or just sheer desperation) to blame their supporter for the breakup. More so, I believe, than non-sufferers, it seems hard for them at times to see that the people who support them are not at fault for what is happening to them or that their behavior/wants/needs are not the core of the problem in the relationship. Maybe taking responsibility for the fact that they are plain incapable of being in a relationship just is too much to bare when also suffering from PTSD? Maybe they need to outsource the blame? I don't know.

But that is where it gets confusing. If you envision a breakup where none of the convoluted, confusing, and often hurtful things took place within the relationship, it's easier to step back and say, "hey, my conscience is clear. If that person doesn't want to be with me, so be it." Here though? It's not so easy. It takes a lot of mental acrobatics to understand that what they blame us for is not the real issue. Sure we make mistakes, but looking at those mistakes, how realistic is it really to have to break up over them? Isn't it sometimes more realistic to see that the issue is in HOW our mistakes are being read and handled?

He guilted you for needing reassurance. That's not very fair. I said somewhere else on here recently that I have a feeling some sufferers don't want a partner, they want a service pet who operates solely for their well-being and safety and with no demands or needs of their own (save eating and pooping maybe.) Well, we're not service pets. We're human beings.

There is some advice on here to "give him space" or reach out and tell him how much you care for him. Of course, that's an option. However, I'd veer in the direction of saying, as awful as it is (and I know, it's freaking awful,) take him by his word, consider this over, and not on the premise of him perhaps coming back. It hurts to count on that and it will prevent you from healing and seeing what happened clearly. And you have to see clearly to face him and know what to do SHOULD he come back or to move on.

Sometimes it really does not help to know they have PTSD. It keeps us in a perpetual cycle of waiting, wanting, and self-blame. Take some time to let the wound scab over a little, grieve and mourn, but don't ask yourself what you could have done. If you could have done something differently, you would have. Nobody is a match for PTSD symptoms and reasoning.

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

Justmehr and Hoojay, thank you for your replies.
I will write a short reply as I am being forced to come out the house :(

Our relationship isn't perfect, when I said we don't have issues I meant theres nothing significantly wrong such as cheating for him to end things. I respect his emotions around this situation though.

Him and I have been through a lot of things together, you name it and we have conquered it. we have come to the level of comfort with each other, that he is like my family member. and vice versa. He has never been a very open person with any women besides from me.

I am so new to PTSD still, and today I am struggling. I haven't heard from him since early this morning, I was trying to talk him out of the breakup but he was adamant. My heart is broken and all our dreams together too. I am struggling...I feel like just begging him to come back, it sounds awful but my instincts are just screaming to fix this somehow!! I am scared of all sorts of stuff, he's gonna forget me, he's gonna find someone new...etc..I need to work on my self worth, very true and maybe we are TOO attached to each other..if thats possible. Some quick thoughts right now, I can't speak to my friends about this because they just don't understand at all!