Relationship Boyfriend Vet With Ptsd, Serious Questions About Our Future

[Orion87]

Hello, I just joined this group because I really need a resource to help me process some of the things I am going through with my boyfriend.
Let me try to keep it short.

95% of the time, we are purely, ecstatically in love. We have been together almost 15 months. Before getting in to our arguments, I have to say how truly wonderful he is. He is the most loving, affectionate, considerate, accepting, honest, honorable, strong, loyal man I have ever dated. We talk about getting married. I believe we will get married and he makes me so incredibly happy, happier than I ever thought I could be in a relationship.
However,
the other 5% of the time we get in to really awful arguments and, no judgment, he usually starts them. What happens a lot of the time is that he will see something on *facebook* (this is so irritating, damn social media) that contradicts something he believes. I went to a music festival last year with out him (he didn't want to come) and met two men who became friends of mine. My boyfriend is convinced that I have lied to him about what happened at that music festival and simply does not, WILL NOT, believe me when I tell him that nothing happened.

Most recently, I made a comment on one of my friend's walls that included the time '7am at the music festival'. He read this and took it to mean I was awake at that time at the festival, and when we had been talking while I was actually there I never mentioned being awake that late. And I hadn't been. That comment I made was simply a joke, a funny observation in response to what my friend posted.

This turned in to a massive screaming match. He was being mean and cruel to me (verbally) accusing me of lying and cheating and saying he had gotten played. I know this is his fight or flight PTSD response to feeling threatened, and in this state of mind there is really no reasoning with him. He doesn't *want* to be reasoned with, he wants to make a point. It is so, SO incredibly frustrating that it gets to this point (a screaming match) when it could all be avoided if he just believed me. What am I supposed to do if he doesn't believe me? He's searching for some other answer than what I'm telling him and I am at a loss, because what else CAN I tell him?

We haven't gotten into any couples therapy, and he is not in any consistent therapy at the moment. I really hope that therapy will help us learn to understand and trust each other, and learn to communicate in a way where both of us are heard.
Anyone have any advice?

 

[Sighs]

Get off Facebook.

Seriously. My vet cannot cope with social media. He's not on it and neither am I. Real life has enough stress in it.

 

[shimmerz]

the other 5% of the time we get in to really awful arguments and, no judgment, he usually starts them.

C'mon..... really?

met two men who became friends of mine.

this is normal... I don't know many people who would be happy with their gf posting pics on facebook of the two guys she hung out at a concert with all weekend... do you? Is this an example of how he usually starts arguments?

fight or flight PTSD

There is nothing more annoying than hearing from someone that a normal 'I am pissed off because this is wrong thing' is put down to my PTSD.

Posting a bunch of guy pics and alluding to a 7am wake time (with them?) Idk, it seems like there is some egging on there. Why would you do that if you didn't want a reaction? Just a thought.

 

[Zenith Astrology]

Yea, that's odd. I'm not always up for events, and if my mate went without me, when I was feeling down or not up for it, first Id feel hurt, and, I would be suspicious too. Our PTSD's are kinda different though, mine is from childhood trust. So id be doubly.

But thas why I'm not on facebook. There is just too much chance for social compeitition, disrepecting peoples relationships and hidden agenda. Hell (the entire site has a hidden agenda) and It's really hard for me to feel safe in relationships due to abandonment.

So, Im glad me and my mate both are averse to it. They might have to use it minimally for the new job, but it will be done like a business. I have seen facebook ruin alot of relationship's and people. I'm glad I never signed up.

Trust agian.... Sometimes being mistrustful is a good thing. It made me avoid many pitfalls someone without PTSD, ran into with there normal childhood / up bringing. This would be one of them.

Too bad you didnt stay home with him that day.

 

[Zenith Astrology]

Gemini- sometimes they can totally miss emotional cues..They do authentically try though. But if you want that deep emotional, soul tie of a marriage, and not anything T.V. or movies can depict, make it up to him, and keep looking into your own pathology. :)

 

[Orion87]

Hi all - thank you for the insight so far.
To clarify a little: I am not denying that it *looks* weird. When he brought it up he was already angry, had already decided I had lied to him. He didn't come to me first asking if it was true or not. The main thing here is that he simply *will not* believe me, he will not believe the truth. I have always been true to him, in every aspect, so it is confusing as to where this massive distrust comes from.

For another example, a high school friend of mine (female) was coming in to my state, to a city 2 hrs north of us. I told my bf I wanted to go up and see her, and he was welcome to come with. His immediate response - is it a halfway point?
Halfway to what?
An ex of mine lives 4 hrs north. Barely an ex, and I don't talk to this person any more, and I haven't in over a year.

On a different night, I went out to dinner with my best friend, here in town, and my phone battery died. Because of that, my bf thought I was hiding something, that I was really out doing something else with some guy. I had given him my best friends phone number when I saw my battery was low, but even that, he thought she was 'on my side' conveniently deflecting texts. He even called and spoke with her (and me) while we were at dinner and still somehow he is convinced of sabotage.

The list goes on and on. Different situations, slightly different reasons - but no matter how many times his suspicions amount to nothing he continues. How does one party resolve a conflict when the other will not hear the truth?

Expanding on this, the best way to avoid situations where he *might* find some aspect to mistrust, is for me to stop doing over 70% of my normal social activities. And that would be on top of people and friend groups I have *already* backed away from because dealing with his backlash was just too much.
To me this seems unfair.

The morning after a fight, he invariably apologizes, says he feels awful and that I don't deserve being treated the way he did. He knows and agrees that the way he approached the issue was destructive and he ought to do it differently - but he never does.

And yes, this all looks like a lot of one-sided whining, but I want to be able to move through and past this with him. More than anything. It's not a blame game - I truly do NOT understand why he refuses to trust me. It is especially hurtful after trying so hard to keep a calm head, and not react angrily, even while he accuses me time and time again.

 

[Orion87]

C'mon..... really?

this is normal... I don't know many people who would be happy with their gf posting...

Yeah, there are a lot of details that I didn't include in the original post. The two guys were just two of a group of maybe 10-15 people, guys and girls, that I hung out with at the festival.
It's an all night thing for 4 nights, so a lot of people do stay up until 7am and later, so, not a wake up time (and my bf does know it would have been staying up all night). I could have made that same comment on any one of that 10-15 people, but it was this guy who posted the original thing.
I did not post 'a bunch of pics' of me and these two guys. I commented on a pic one of them posted having to do with music festivals in general.
No egging on at all. It was a platonic post/observation. If I had anticipated my bf grasping on to my comment like he did, I never would have made it.
And I never, never EVER 'use' PTSD as an argument against him. I have PTSD as well. I know his suspicions arise in large part on account of PTSD but I don't use that as a scapegoat. Whether it springs from PTSD or something else entirely - I just want to find a way to communicate with him.

 

[shimmerz]

I just want to find a way to communicate with him.

My sincere apologies. Makes more sense now.

 

[Orion87]

My sincere apologies. Makes more sense now.

No worries at all. This is why I joined this forum, for different perspectives. if I'm way off I'd rather know so that I can change whatever aspects are within my power to change.

 

[Zenith Astrology]

It's not one sided whining oooo... (emoji's and lots of them:laugh:) sorry, im new here, just found them, just how to balance social life with relationships. You sound like you could be a person who is, no offense, easily bored and not cut out for people in crisis situations.

That takes choosing him over your social life until one has developed trust agian. Honestly at first, I was reluctant to even have much empathy for people who have been scammed into going to war. But I realized many times due to (and it is very hard for me to say this) financial situations and family (duty) (I see as brainwashing) one is tricked for forced.

Ok as I can understand that, they also have issues with abandonment. As much as I have a hard time with people who make jokes of combat, other cultures, killing folks and spending there time playing obviously put there, violent video games. I mean it was REALLY hard for me to find video games that had nothing to do with killing any one. I guess, they do feel a sense of abandonment from one being lied to by the gov.

The bravado chair, it's pretty high. But from what I read, they feel a sense of abandonment coming back, by the society who had them go in the first place. So Im getting alarms of abandonment, even though they may not admit it. A good way to heal past trust, is to only have company at home, but show him a good good stretch, and give any sense of he "alway'sisiums" up to GOD/universe. This is your treasured relationship, and its sounds like whole lotta healin needs to take place before your both out, so often. They are about sacrafice.

So change up your social life, more than you have, they will still be there when you get back. lol If you reallly love him, and marriage this that. Then you should be able to be with him, without being bored. I love my mate dearly, honestly I could lock myself away with them for the rest of time, but alas, Im an Aquarius, I can't do that, and since I have a pretty big moral stick, they would'nt want me to either! Abandonment though, key it seems.

Grab some cross word puzzles, invite some neighborhood kids over, and learn to bake.
Healing PTSD is all about creating a safe space. Hearth, home, then branch out grasshopper.

 

[Deleted member 20978]

wtf. That is a LOT of backhanded comments. How many people can you disparage while offering kind advice dude?

Sorry. I miss emotional cues sometimes.

 

[Orion87]

wtf. That is a LOT of backhanded comments. How many people can you disparage while offering kind advice d...

I have to agree. I posted this to get advice and different perspectives, and that is certainly a different perspective but not very applicable or relevant. Like any relationship, there are a lot of complexities and details that are not on this thread.