Boyfriends Ptsd Makes Me Feel Different About Him!!! Helppppp

[holly]

Hi

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 4 months now. He was in the army but left for me, he suffers with PTSD.

It makes me feel like what's the point of being in this relationship if you make me feel like I dont wanna see him, and when I do their is so many awkward moments. Then he comes out with how he killed people, and just irrelavant things. He says he hates being in the army, but that's all he constinally talks to me about, I just nodd.

He tell me white lies about things like his ex treated him like crap, when it was actually him that treated her like crap. He's continally trying to impress me.

I'm funny and up for a laugh he tries to do it too, to extreme extents. In two months of being together, I told him I love him and he told me too. Now he wants to get married, have babies, its all just a bit rushed to me. Please tell me your views.

Much appreciated.

 

[MurphyJB]

So he wad in the Army and got out for you? Sorry to be so straight forward, but that isn't possible if he's in the US.
Did you know he had PTSD when you started dating? Is he seeking treatment?
If you can't handle him talking about things, then you probably shouldn't be with him. Being in a relationship with someone who has PTSD is a long hard road. Things WILL get worse before they get better.
There are a lot of good articles to read here, that I hope will help.

MJ

 

[Lionheart]

My humble advise is to not rush into anything! It can be quite a long healing journey with PTSD in the picture and you both owe it to yourself to discover if you're up to such a task.

Does he go to therapy? Is he on medication? Does he belong to the forum? In other words, is he on a healing journey yet? How far along he is at in his healing journey will directly affect his relationships with other people, including you.

If you really love him and are prepared to stand by him through the worst, then couple's counseling might be a good idea for the two of you. There is also a lot of information and support to be found here on the forum too. Either way, I wish you both success and happiness!!!

 

[OKRADLAK]

PTSD, I guarantee will be one of the biggest challenges of your life and his. He will make you feel every emotion, bad and good. You will have to find a way to be a rock your both you and him. And you can. If you choose to be with him, you will have to understand a lot about PTSD. Read a lot about it and never assume, "Oh that's not him"

He is a wonderful person and served his country. Now he needs a dedicated partner and it looks like you may be the one he wants! Read read read about it .....Read with him and alone so you both know and let him know you love him enough to go through it with him.

Good luck!!!

 

[holly]

He was in the uk army and every time I come to talk to him about it he brushes me off.

I do love him but sometimes I feel that I have to tread on egg shells. We are great together.

He had PTSD before I met him, but didn't find out until 2 months ago. He's gone cold turkey on his meds he doesnt sleep!

 

[MurphyJB]

Walking on eggshells consumes my life some days.
I love my fiancé more than anythig, but things are still hard a lot of the time.
Is he seeing a therapist?

 

[Cheshire]

Then he comes out with how he killed people, and just irrelavant things.

Killing people is irrelevant?

He tell me white lies about things like his ex treated him like crap, when it was actually him that treated her like crap. He's continally trying to impress me.

How do you know those things are lies? How do you know he's trying to impress you? Maybe he's trying to work through these things, regardless of how it went. Maybe he's trying to get some sort of sympathy or understanding from you. Maybe he's crying out for help.

I'm going to be brutally honest and say it would be better for both of you if you didn't continue the relationship. He needs help and support, and you don't seem capable of giving it with understanding and compassion. If you both can try to understand more about PTSD and what he's going through, and if you think you can be with him through all of the bad stuff - because I guarantee things will get worse before they get better - then do so. But from what you've said, that's not possible.

Harsh, I know, but just my two cents.

 

[Kintsugi]

I agree with Ches above. I think perhaps you should read a good amount of information and figure out if you are cut out for this huge commitment--being a carer.

 

[anthony]

As above...

Yes, it is common for people with PTSD to rush into a relationship, because they have black and white thinking, meaning, all or nothing, and that extends into their lives more often than not, especially seen in military due to training in black or white thinking which exacerbates this negative thought pattern.

Do you have confirmation that he treated his ex badly vs. vice versa?

If you asked my ex-wife, she would tell you I emotionally and physically abused her, when I did emotionally abuse her due to having PTSD, as she was the one who pretty much went through the entire process from uncontrolled to me gaining control of PTSD, yet her terms for physical abuse was me pinning her to the wall to stop her trying to hit me, throw things at me, kick me, etc, so it was more restraint vs. physical abuse. She actually used to physically abuse me (punching, kicking, slapping, hitting me with things, throwing things at me, etc), I emotionally abused her.

Always two sides to a story, and I agree with the above... do you have clarification on such statements vs. these are your guesses and opinions based on your feelings.

 

[femaleveteran]

One thing I must apologize for is that I can usually be okay and focused when writing about just regular stuff...but when I start writing about my own experiences with PTSD and with my own situation....sometimes I get a little confused as to how to express myself..so i apologize for that in advance of writing this post.

yeah i agree that before any judgments can be made there should be clarification. He could be just trying to work through his issues in his own mind in the best way he knows how and plus, with PTSD and then coming from the military with where, as Anthony said, there is nothing but "black and white thinking"...it is hard.....I struggle with that on a daily basis....I was in the US Army for 17 and a half years and now I have PTSD and the real thing about how I personally feel about it is this....PTSD is NOT EVER black and white...there are all kinds of ways of viewing things and dealing with things when i have personally been suffering from this illness....so I have had to try to work out a totally different way of life....I personally have found that it is of much help to take things in much smaller doses than I used to do in the military....I no longer am trying to multi-task...I just try to focus on one thing at a time..

. I do have PTSD (god I still hate admitting that sometmes) and I am also currently in a bit of a relationship with another veteran who has PTSD and the only thing I have found so far that works and keeps us pretty happy and talking to each other is not to expect everything you each want out of this relationship all at one single time or in any type of a "scheduled" manner....make a list of what you want of course and work towards those goals but do not place a time frame on anything because the only real thing I know for sure is that PTSD is totally unpredictable and it is hard to schedule anything in life when one is in the throes of this evil illness..take each life event as it comes....do not force anything or be in demand of anything because that will just cause the PTSD symtoms to wrosen...at least that is what I have personally found for myself...I need time and space and I need to handle each thing about my life as it comes....I try not to think ahead or try to see around corners before I get to them right now as that just makes me more stressed and hypervigilant....

So maybe understand that your boyfriend is also feeling that kind of stress and presssure...I mean who does not want to survive war and then come home get married and have children....yet at the same time you dont want any of that sometimes because it means letting yourself be vulnerable....and being vulnerable with PTSD is especially difficult.....I mean I absolutely hate having it and I despise it so much I have even refused to listen to much of anyone explain my own symptoms to me..don't get me wrong...I listen to a few people....like maybe about three....other than that i tend to keep the various opinions about my illness at a minimum....too much information even can be a stressful thing for me ....maybe your boyfriend just has too much information going on in his mind right now...especially since it sounds like he is similar in that he just started dealing with the illness recently.

Noone I know who I trust to tell me the truth enjoys this illness....but through listening to some of those people in the know I have found out that, even without enjoying it or even being happy about it... I can still deal with this illness in small doses and only with people I know I can trust absolutely. So far there are only about three people I feel I can really trust...so do you trust your boyfriend?? Does he trust you??? That should be one of the first things you work out.

it took me several months to begin trusting anyone at all but now i do, trust at least one person pretty totally,( and there are probably two others I might listen to.) and it has made a huge difference...sure... but we both know there is a long road ahead and so far we are both pretty committed to traveling it together....but this is only because we have sat and talked...sometimes for hours at a time and worked out a plan of how to deal with this between the two of us as a sort of team. So, are you THAT committed? Because the road is long and hard or so I have heard....so if you are not committed and just want a boyfriend to love you and that is it then you might have a bit of a problem....not saying AT ALL that this is the case....just want you to think seriously about it....that's all.

As far as what you termed that he speaks of "killing people and just irrelevent things".....I have to say I agree with what Cheshire said above....as well, I firmly believe and have said to some people my own self that it is one thing to admit that you have "witnessed" worst of humanity....it is a whole other type of ballgame to admit that you were an actual participant in the worst of humanity.. and war is the absolute worst part of humanity. This is something I struggle with daily and it sounds like maybe your boyfriend might be struggling with those same types of ethical and moral dilemmas that you carry out of a war on your back like a ton of bricks or something... some days the load is lighter than others is all I can say about that really.

I am just curious and want you think about your own self as his partner and the fact that you have to be ready and willing to take whatever is coming and then try to figure if you are able to handle that...I believe anyone can do it if they really want to. But you do have to remain comiitted caring and a responsible partner when dealing with someone with PTSD (or any other kind of mental illness for that matter) Simply sit and think quietly for a bit as to whether you are really ready and willing to do that. Because I can honestly attest to the fact that your boyfriend is going to say and do alot of strange things..as I often do myself since I am deep in the baby step stages of this illness myself and I guess I sort of see where he might be coming from.....but I can see your side too and I want you to know that if you want to support him then you are going to need some support too....there are alot of good support people here and I am sure you can find some therapy in your neck of the world if this is a process you want to actually commit to...as I have already said....sorry i am rambling but i really am trying to say something here and I hope it all came out right.

 

[holly]

ok but lifes to short not to try with him we have fun together we joke we laugh we do new things together but sometimes i think im suffering from something to feel this way he makes me feel like im mental when i say somthing its quiet odd and its differcult to say/ type ..... its early days yet and i need to sort this out it doesnt help that his mother dislikes me but then again i dont know what hes been saying to her maybe he is crying out for my attention hes become so needy i cant go out hes allways wandering were im going who im with and he gets short tempered even if i talk about my life experiences hes always trying to say what hes done thats so good in the army and where hes been but he tells me he hated it their !!!

 

[Muzikluvr]

Sounds like you're trying to sort it out and you're taking your relationship with him seriously. Check out this website" love is respect". while you're researching perspectives.

They have some good insights into dating and relationships, and keep researching PTSD here to understand the added complications to his life and any significant other that he chooses.

Best wishes! I hope you find the info you need to make an informed decision.