Sufferer Brain Surgery Has Overwhelmingly Changed My Life.

[Kohi]

Hello everyone. My name is Ashlee, but please call me Kohi for now. I need therapy severely, but cannot seem to find one with my health coverage. I have started writing a Memoir, and have noticed myself feeling better by getting it out. But most days I can't write in it very long before I have to stop because of how badly it stresses me out.

Most days I am positive. Anyone would be after all the positive changes since surgery. But getting used to this shift of LITERALLY one life into another (even though its 100 times better) has been so extremely difficult to cope with at times. I have become obsessed with analyzing and understanding what is considered a basic plateau of "Normal", just so I have something to base what I've gone through on, and there is no clear answer.

It will be 1 year since having surgery to remove a benign tumor from the center of my brain that my surgeon told me I had been growing my entire life. I know he's right because I always knew something wasn't right with me. Everyone used to say "You're not crazy because crazy people don't know they're crazy." but I always knew something wasn't right with me. I personally think that being crazy and knowing FULL well that you ARE insane and WISH you weren't is harder than not knowing you are.

Since surgery I have gone from one form of warped reality into a brand new one. It is SO hard to feel guilty for things you have said and done that you would have NEVER said/done had you been born into this second reality. My emotional state can at times be just a wreck. And I cannot stop self medicating with drugs and alcohol. I use one of three escapes DAILY. Almost minute-ly.

I am here for help, guidance, and I'm going to just start posting my Memoir if there is an area here in the forums to get feedback and help from anyone whose willing to help me. Encouragement to keep writing it is something I seek as well. Almost motivation to keep me healing even though its SO painful to write. I KNOW its helping me.

 

[Justmehere]

Hi @Kohi,

Welcome to the forum. That sounds awful what you have been through. Have you been diagnosed with PTSD?

While you say you are mostly positive most days, it seems like you are self medicating out a lot of emotional pain. Your growing drug addiction is going to cloud any ability to connect or asses with what is "normal" and destroy your ability to have healthy behavior and ways of being in the world.

Are you going to NarcAnon or AA? They are both free ways to get support now. I hope you go there *today* or get other support ASAP and get back on the path to recovery towards the healthy place you want to be.

The Trauma Diary section is section that might be good post about your trauma history too.

 

[Kohi]

@Justmehere

I just posted what I have been able to get out of me without breaking down.
The section of my childhood was suppose to be quick and easy, but I found myself being very disturbed while writing it.
And I do understand the dangers of using. But I have been doing it for 15 years with the acception of quitting while pregnant, and quitting for almost 4 years. So not the full 15 years, but most of them. And no I'm not going to any NarcAnon or AA although I fell in LOVE with a place that is at the coast made to help women get clean, as well as analyzed from the inside out, but it costs $15,000. I'd never be able to go there. And as I research and analyze everything, there's almost too many things piled on top of each other considering stress that I can't believe it, or even want to face it. I'm trying the best I possibly can on my own and with God.

 

[Justmehere]

There are other ways to recover from an addiction other than AA or a $15,000 rehab facility. However, if you are not ready to make the changes needed to recover from addiction then you are not ready and no support can help. Maybe it would be worth your time to analyze the effect alcohol and drug use/abuse and addiction can have on the brain and behavior and PTSD recovery. The psychological and physiological effects of drug and alcohol use prevent the body from processing the trauma that it is physically holding. But if you are not ready, you are not ready. It is not an easy process to be sure.

 

[intothelight]

@Kohi Welcome to the forum!

A craneotomy is a huge surgery and the surgery itself can cause damage and it takes a while to heal and recover. With that being said, have you talked to your neurosurgeon about some of the things you have been experiencing? Once insurance covers a procedure, many times coverage is extended to cover other things related to that procedure. You may want to check out a neuro-psychologist as they can be extremely helpful in addressing or directing your care to an appropriate doctor/program.

 

[Kohi]

@Justmehere
I have never thought to do that!! LOL. Silly, and I totally should have by now. Thank you so much for being polite and giving me a caring suggestion. I have no idea why, but throughout all of this I have never thought to research information on that. And I haven't really wanted to quit fully until I recently moved, from my mother's which once I did, I finally realized that there was controlling dysfuntion going on that was stressing me out to the point of using so much. And I've only been staying with my new room mate for 2 days, and I feel unbelievably better. I am still using, but I KNOW now for a fact that once I settle into this peaceful environment all the way, I will be able to quit everything. I do still want to quit, I'm just trying to actually get used to living without emotional stress constantly. So, I think it might take me a week or two to get ready, but I feel SO much better for the first time in my life, that I doubt I will need any meetings.

@intothelight
WOW! Again! Something I had never thought of! Thank you guys SO very much!!! That is also an excellent suggestion with NO judgement attached. I feel so overwhelmingly welcome here, it brings me to tears. I will definitely do both of these, and if you guys would like to know I will respond here with what I have found out. Thank you thank you thank you!!!!

 

[Born to Run]

Hi Kohi, I can relate to your post as I had brain surgery too now 4.5 years ago. It was also benign and an arterial defect I was born with and started to bleed in my brainstem. Completely removed no sequelae. While returning to work and increasing work pressure I totally went crazy. My stress levels were over the top and there was no way to find any balance. I really messed up at work and got fired. The reason I only understood much later. Brain surgery is what one would call a monotrauma, as to the body such a surgery is a life threatening event, and very often monotrauma triggers developmental trauma if it is present. So, I was finally sent to a psychotraumatologist for the monotrauma of the brain surgery, only to find out that I was never properly diagnosed with CPTSD in the past. This after 20+ years of therapies for depression on psychoanalytic basis.

For you it may be important to realize this too, that it is not the brain surgery wacking you all over the place, but most probably it has triggered something old and it does it pretty heavy.

 

[Hope1661]

Hello everyone. My name is Ashlee, but please call me Kohi for now. I need therapy severely, but cannot see...

Holy smokes! I found somebody that can relate to me!! We should totally be friends. I had surgery on March 29th of this year. Incision in the same place..

 

[Deleted member 28403]

Welcome to the forums :hug: I hope this place helps you. It's very useful because of the bulk amount of people who feel similar and understand. There is a lot of advice and support to be found here :) I hope that this amazing community helps you as much as it helped me, reading all the similar stories, and learning a lot along the way. Hugs if you accept :hug:

 

[Andreina]

Not sure if you even go on here anymore since this was a few years ago but either way WOW, thank you so much for having the courage to post something like this. I feel the same exact way, you are not alone. I had my surgery in October 2015, where my tumor that was located in my amygdala (area of emotions) was removed completely ( thank God), and I have been trying to go back to "normal," which I don't even know what normal is anymore, ever since. The better I get, the more I feel like I've woken up from a coma and have to re-learn what life is again, from normal to not normal, safe to not safe, reality basically. It drives me crazy some days and everyone says I should just be happy and at peace because I survived a brain tumor but nobody understands how much it has effected me mentally. Anyway, I literally can relate word for word. You are not alone and I would love to talk more to you. Hope all is well!