Sufferer Brand New Here Single Parent With Bonus Ptsd Daughter 17

[Veronica Hutchinson]

My name is Veronica. I am so glad that I found this forum today when at my wits end with my daughter.

I am a 45 years old, 22 year clean and sober and was diagnosed PTSD way way back due to trauma etc in my childhood early adulthood (pre recovery). My daughter was molested at age 5 in 2001 which the only good result was I finally had to face some of my demons and went to therapy CBT and EMDR, however my daughter throughout the years has learned how to push until my ptsd kicks in and I shut down.

I also survived a malignant brain tumor right after she was born and lost my mother as I finished radiation and began chemo. I was given 3 years but that was 17 years ago (I'm a frickin miracle, and most days I feel it). I have over the years noticed the levels of myself that ptsd affects. It's the ones hidden that have taken the longest time to see and I still seem powerless over and It sadly has been the people I love and trust that sense those weaknesses and play them out, (3 ex loves and my beautiful intelligent darkly damaged daughter).

Because of the brain tumor history somewhat slim but valid fear and the fact that anxiety attack and seizure felt identical I have gone to great lengths to have a relatively calm household and not a lot of dramatic situations in my life. I am mellow easygoing and practice a lot of acceptance. I am actually an intelligent optimistic person that has a for the most part a belief that the world is a benevolent place and that I create my reality to a degree.

At 15 my daughter began using meth and being violent with me using the fact that I shut down to my complete disadvantage, she got away with a lot it culminated with me getting major support from a friend and putting her into treatment in another state for a couple months. She did okay for awhile and was actually doing really good until a couple months ago and once again a slow steady escalation.

I recently attempted to redirect some things and its culminated to my daughter screaming in my face, swearing and threatening violence and becoming ruthless when I show vulnerability, which yah she is 17 they do that, and yes children use anything they can as much as they can. I realized recently that internal walking on eggshells thing going on as well as emotional paralysis.

I feel the familiar old wall that went from my neck down and froze everything out trying to creep in. I didn't even realize it existed until I was a few years into recovery and for a long time I didn't have any power over it it just WAS. I really really feel alone and isolated, almost everyone I know even in recovery area just doesn't understand. They view PTSD as startles at loud noises or vietnam style combat flashbacks or some vague disorder people use to get SSI and my parenting issues as some moral weakness or deficiency in my character or not working the program, being codependent etc etc, :( and I'm really really needing to hear from another parent who may have been through this or something similar.

So far I have read through some posts here and am like wow okay it's not just me that struggles with detachment and so many other things. I am sorry if I have rambled on and on really I am. I told my daughter she was grounded last night and she said "f you" and went on her way I found some strength last night and was really convicted about setting some ground rules today, but due to overtiredness hunger and stress found myself just smiling and nodding because inside of me was screaming "no fighting no yelling" and this rage is right behind that and she tells me I'm crazy and there is a tiny small seed of doubt that maybe it is just me.

So when she left this afternoon I just said bye and well talk later.. :(..great parenting huh?

 

[LittleGirlLost]

I know you're looking for some parent's POV, but believe me when I tell you that I know this situation -- this troubled teen and helpless parent vicious cycle -- because I lived it. I lived it to some degree as the teen refusing to acknowledge the deep pain and terror that I was in 24/7, but I was also trying very hard to be the Good Child, so I never did drugs or acted out very much beyond yelling and slamming doors.

I really lived it with my brothers. I'm the youngest of three and the only girl. My parents are absolutely amazing, and while my father may suffer from PTSD from childhood abuse and his father's early death, the only way it seemed to manifest was in his incredible ability to bury the pain. It never affected our upbringing. But the eldest brother (I still have yet to figure out the cause) started drinking and doing harder and harder drugs at age twelve; he was addicted to heroin by sixteen. I was eight at that point. He would run away and be brought back by the police or be involved in a hostage situation and people would be banging on our doors (police or girlfriends or who knows) at all hours of the night in these ridiculous emergency scenarios. He would get into fist fights with my father when my father tried to physically restrain him from leaving the house. He was in and out of rehab for years and years, but he would also relapse. Even after prison stints, he would relapse.

And then my middle brother followed suit. So I watched them both go through it. And I watched my parents struggle and feel helpless and still to this day feel like the worst parents in the world because there was literally nothing they could have done that they didn't already try to help my brothers.

By the time I was a teenager and even worse things had happened, my parents were so overwhelmed that my cries for help weren't even heard.

So here's what I'd suggest from my own experience:

1) Listen to your daughter as much as you can, even if she refuses to talk. Let her know that if she does want to talk, there is nothing she could say that would make you love her less. Get her help; get her therapy if she isn't already in it. The scars of molestation run very, very deep, especially during puberty and adolescence. I only recently at 27 (seriously, like, two weeks ago) gave my parents any kind of detail about my experiences with sexual abuse because I've been terrified since I was 13 that something horrible was wrong with me and that they'd be disgusted if I told them everything. The thing that comes up most in therapy for me these days is pain and anger and loneliness because I always felt unprotected by the adults in my life and I wish, I wish, I wish that some adult, any adult, had reached out to me in a way that I could accept.

2) I don't know anything about you as a parent or her as a child, but I do want to say definitively that even with perfect parents, even with parents who are doing so much better than any other parent probably could have in their situation, kids still get hurt. They still get screwed up. They still, even if they seem to have a really great home life, go out sometimes and drink and do heroin and break the law and go to jail because they are their own people. They make their own choices. They are not always a reflection of their parents. And sometimes the best thing you can do is just let them know that you'll always be there.


I hope you and your daughter work it out. My mother and I had a really volatile relationship when I was 17 because we were both hurting so much and living in very close quarters, but she's one of my best friends now.

 

[KP the nut]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome to the forum. :)

 

[Veronica Hutchinson]

Thank You all for the welcome :) and little girl lost thank you so much for your insight :).

I myself was thrown out of the house at barely 15 and had horrible painful secrets as well as two older brothers and sounds much the same as your home life actually. But by the time I was 6 or 7 they were in a boys home and never came back emotionally or physically. It was very sad I needed the reminder that I do need to keep it in perspective.

I really really try to hear my daughter she is bright and beautiful and I have always told her that her stubbornness and determination are an asset when pointed a direction. At her age I was out in the world trying to survive, although intellectually gifted, I was emotionally nowhere near 15 (my stepfathers rationale for throwing me out was my intelligence & quietness),

I have no real grasp of what 17 is in the "normal range", but she is actually come a long way, and knows I would never ever throw her out due to my own experiences... I do really need to learn how to not let my daughter( or any relationship) push my buttons so deftly. :( I mistakenly assume periodically that I have done so much work in that area and then a new level pops up.. (Heavy Sigh)..more layers in the onion. I did talk to my PTSD best buddy who moved far away today that helps...just knowing someone gets it .

Thanks again for the responses I am off to peruse the forum rules and read what I can before the hurricane that is my beloved daughter returns ...

 

[LittleGirlLost]

It's also, as I remember from being 17, extremely difficult to really lay down ground rules because a teenager with the will to do so is going to find any way around whatever you've set down. My parents used to block me from the internet as a punishment and I would sneak in after they went to bed and unblock myself and then redo it before they got up in the morning. Or if they took my car keys, I'd stubbornly walk whatever it was I wanted to go even if it took me two hours to get there (but then I'd call them crying and request to be picked up, so I'm not sure what I was trying to accomplish). So if you or she or both of you have a therapist, you might get their suggestion as to how best to set boundaries.

 

[intothelight]

Welcome to the PTSD Forum! :)

 

[AmyO]

Hello Veronica. I can understand completely. I am a Mom with PTSD and a parent to three boys diagnosed as well. They are all a few years younger than your daughter but let me be the first to tell you...it is not an easy road you have ahead. As much as I would like to say otherwise.

The first thing I can say is, I will be thinking of you as you are just starting the struggle. I have spent the past four years juggling therapy, medication, and well check appointments and your best resource will be knowledge. I have boxes of information printed out, books and so on that gave me a better understanding. But even at times I will still go off.

My oldest has taken up to commanding me to do things (make my dinner now...stuff like that), my middle one will just tell us that we are no longer his family and try to leave, and my youngest turns into that little ball of rage you mentioned. I still feel guilt...that will take a long time to go away. But what happened is NOT your fault. You couldn't have known. I found out after we had left our abuser about all three of my children being molested by their father and two of his friends and all I could think of is I should have protected them.

There are a lot of things that I could tell you about the road ahead. But I do agree with little girl lost, you will have to be the one to help her come together again as a family while getting the help you need as well. I would like to make myself available to you if you feel like you need that outlet. Message me if you would like and I will give you my contact information. I am a stay at home mom as I am classified as disabled from the abuse I suffered.

And little girl lost...I am sending you a big hug because you have a very wise aspect from a daughters point of view.