Breaking contact.

[ladee]

I went no contact with my family a long long time ago. Am I still the 'selfish one' according to the grapevine. Yep. Do I care? Nope.

Like was suggested, do what you have to do for YOURSELF to accept the fact no contact is what you need. If at some point you want to reconnect, then you can. But if it's going to help you to get your life together, then accept they are not going to like it. And name calling and guilt tripping in the name of jokes will not change.

A few years ago I went no contact with my son. The hardest thing I have ever done. Ever. And I had a lot of second thoughts, a lot of guilt, blah blah blah. But in the end, it was what I needed to do. A hundred years from now no one will care what we did or how we did it.

Hang tough with your choice!!! This is the only life you get. Do what is right for you. If somewhere down the line you feel differently and are willing to walk back into it, then do so. But no one is going to give you a break. You have to TAKE it.

 

[somerandomguy]

Does it really make a difference if he is a past abuser

Certainly it does.

And calling someone selfish (or occasionally making fun of him) isn't really abuse. Right?

It certainly can be. It can also be manipulative.

I think I'm being difficult and/or manipulative.

I don't think you are.

 

[Justmehere]

What holds you back from blocking his number? It’s not mean or manipulative. He’s busting boundaries and you are not doing him any good by allowing it to continue. If he was a truly repentant/reformed abuser you still would not owe him any contact. And he wouldn’t be pushing like this and treating you this way.

You can let him know in advance that because of your own needs for space, you are going to hold the boundary for no contact by blocking his number and email. You can consider letting him know that if he contacts your workplace or shows up in person without permission, you will contact security/police to escort him off the grounds. (You also don’t need to let him know any of this prior to taking such action. He is a grown ass adult that is ignoring basic boundaries and really being a bit creepy. This is really inappropriate behavior, regardless of history.)

If you are in a place where you are more ambivalent about contact, and you want contact but not like this, then I’d suggest telling him you will schedule a time/day for contact, but if he contacts you outside of that, the day/time will be canceled and number blocked etc. Or that you’ll only have contact via a police station or therpaist’s office or somewhere else with a professional third party.

It’s ok to say no. You don’t need to justify it. If you need space, you need space. That’s enough reason. Healthy sibling relationships without abuse histories in the mix allow for either party to take space when they need to take space.

 

[Muttly]

Lots of good replies. I talked about this some in therapy. My therapist reminded me of some of the stuff I'd forgotten. Honestly, the most effective thing I've done is stop responding. When I stopped responding and made it clear that I would leave if he showed up unannounced he stopped hounding. Because he was. At the point he was calling my work and stuff like that, he would persist until he got a response.

And I did try to set boundaries and stand firm. And for a while, maybe even several months, it would go ok and then I would get slammed with nastiness and being told I was selfish and yada yada yada. Which makes it very hard to be willing to try again once I stopped because even if things start out ok, I'm just waiting for the bombshell.

And I miss the good times we have, but I am also not the same person. A lot of what we had in common was our past abuse and way of being. Even when we were close and things were going well there was a lot of... teasing and hmmm... playful violence. Except, I figured out a lot of the teasing was meanness and that playful violence is still violence. Maybe teen boys hit each other to prove how tough they are, but as an adult? It's not something I need. And there was that power differential. Because he's the older one. He's way better with words than I and he was much bigger and stronger. After that, it was talking about work a lot except that stopped being something that consumed me. I mean, I love taking care of animals but talking about how good I am at my job (that's how my brother usual talks) or how stupid work is just isn't that interesting to me anymore. Truth is, a lot of the time, I'm not a big talker. I like to hang out and do things. I like to listen. I used to be a talker because that's what the family expected of me. And I can certainly have my moments. And when it comes to the deeper conversations... for one, I can't trust him. For another, he's never been that committed to doing the work to change. He talks a good game but then runs away from it. And after being his emotional sort for decades, I sort of burned out. Especially since it was so rarely reciprocal. And because I can't say the shit I'd want to say because he denies the dad did anything and glosses over most other stuff in the family.

What holds you back from blocking his number? It’s not mean or manipulative.

Ok, I was going to say I don't know, but I guess I do. And my answer is a bit lame. Part of it, is because I guess I'm still hoping he will give some sign he's changed. Some part of my is still hoping that at some point we could have a relationship. And then there's the other reason. While some part of me is hoping, another part of me is scared of him (and my dad). If I put up with the periodic message, I have some sense of his state of mind and what's going on with the family. This is probably an unreasonable fear, but part of me believes it's possible for him to show up here in a fit of violent rage. I don't think it's likely, but ... a part of me isn't willing to give up that vigilance.

 

[Cypress]

I'm confused - are you are the older brother or the younger brother?

 

[Fadeaway]

I haven't read the replies but I know my opinion is going to be an unpopular one.
If no abuse occured, I would tell the younger brother to never ever give up. Sibling relationships are far too precious to lose hope. It is a shame the older brother has no clue how lucky he is.

 

[grit]

Just remember love really does not hurt. So cliche but so true! when you struggle with it, it is no longer love.
If you are truly struggling to have a person in your life, it is not love. can be many other things but not love.
I know very generic and very general but love does not hurt. A lot of other things that are taboo hurt and feel as exciting as love like hate, rage, abuse, abandonment, etc etc. They are felt and confuse the person who does not know what love feels like and think oooh I felt therefore I must keep this thing that is making me feel something anything! boom we are addicted.
Sometimes by letting go, you find peace unexpectedly (all the wasted energy goes somewhere else or finds real love) and you actually allow others to also find peace in the same manner - removing the struggle part out.

 

[Ronin]

Different camp (in that I think relationships worth it do hurt, hella lot, some times that is just life... so difference between hurting FOR and being hurt BY the other, in which yeah, two different things)

But in every case, you don't have to gut yourself.
You can just walk away, no reason given.

Even if he's changed, it may not mean a darned thing.
It still does not mean you should force yourself to relating where you are already on your way out.