Breaking Down, And I Can't I Have Kids So It's Not An Option

[Britt.f7]

Shellbell, I still have many moments of that doubt. When I went on disability it was a humbling position I never thought I would be in and, still, have moments of guilt if it is brought up. What I try to remind myself this is the only way I can help out my family right now. If it wasn't for that thought, I don't know if I would have gone through the process.

It was hard growing up, reaching out for help when my own parents told me that they didn't believe in therapy, medication. It was a "get over it" atmosphere. The trauma that I experienced was not discussed. They felt that would be "dwelling" on it. Even last year when I asked my mom about something that happened she got angry at me for bringing it up.

It does bother me that after 40 years I am still dealing with the past. But trauma does that to you. Just when I thought I've done all I can to deal with it it creeps back in.

My therapist is trying to help me regain some sort of self esteem and confidence in myself. It is a long process.
Try not to beat yourself up. Even as I say this I know it is beyond difficult to not do. Maybe, one day on this site, we'll be able to say we have made it to the other side and quit blaming ourselves. There has to be hope.

 

[Shellbell]

Britt.f7, I really look forward to the day that we can say we survived horrendous trauma's, processed it all through lots of therapy, grieved for our lost and sad childhoods, gained true confidence, stopped blaming ourselves, put down the shame, guilt and fears, and moved on to a life of healing, coping, thriving and highly functioning and are happy and content.

It's a long long hard road to that, but I have to believe there is hope for that. For us all.

 

[Shellbell]

Saw a psychiatrist today, and had to go through all my history of abuse in 90 minutes. It was horrendous. I cried through half of it and feel numb now.

She was really lovely though and very validating of how bad it all was. She told me how incredibly courageous she thinks I am and how much strength I have to survive it all and look after myself through it all with no help from family, or anyone. She validated how damaging my parents role in it all was and their abuse and the affect this has had on me, especially now only just coming to terms with that and how devastating that is.

She said my symptoms are severe as it's a reflection of how bad the trauma's are, but felt sure my strength and resilience would get me through the therapy and although it may take considerable time, that I will get through it and find true healing.

So as incredibly hard as it was, it was positive to hear it from another professional, that I am doing okay.

And she thinks I should come off Seroquel and go on Effexor (I think) instead, which is good as seroquel is making me feel ill.

 

[JustBe]

Shellbell said " grieved for our lost and sad childhoods, gained true confidence, stopped blaming ourselves, put down the shame, guilt and fears, and moved on to a life of healing, coping, thriving and highly functioning and are happy and content."

Amen!

 

[Shellbell]

Movin'On, it will be good to get there. And it will be really hard getting there, but worth it.